To be fair, being emotional is not a bad thing. In fact, it is quite positive to be in tune with your emotions, give yourself the space to acknowledge and feel them, and understand their value in your development as an adult. But if you often find yourself being emotional about every single thing you encounter during your day, and if those emotions are what drives you to make decisions in the moment that will likely not be the best choice for you (your physical or mental health) or your future — then yes, it can be beneficial to keep those emotions in check.
Instead of letting emotions take over, it will be more helpful to develop skills that will help you make better and smarter decisions. You’ll learn to use logic (not panic) when you’re trying to overcome an obstacle. You’ll use critical thinking (instead of mimicking what other people do) to understand a problem. You’ll learn to work with feelings of discomfort (instead of saying, I can’t do it!) and allow yourself to go outside your comfort zone. As a result, your brain will be better equipped to deal with the changes in your life.
Here are three skills that can be helpful.
Skill #1. Go with the flow.
Let’s take the COVID-19 pandemic as an example. Yes, it’s made a huge change in our lives in the past year, but this is not the first time we’ve come across an obstacle. More often than not, our week takes a different turn from what we imagine it should be. In the past, you’d feel rushed to prep an exam because you didn’t study on time, or a work-related project had a new deadline and you had to work more hours to get everything done. These days, it’s the opposite — you may be working from home, feeling more isolated than before or perhaps having to deal with noisy or disruptive family members or roommates. Be careful not to let emotions take over, whether they’re feelings of anger, sadness, helplessness, or frustration. It may actually benefit you to go with the flow and take each day as it comes.
How can you do it?
- Be aware of the thoughts running through your mind as you’re reacting to the unexpected event. The thoughts might sound something like this. It’s the end of the world! I’ll never hang out with my friends again! We can’t even travel safely any more!
- Tell yourself that the emotion you are feeling is temporary. You can say, No wonder I’m upset, but I have to admit everyone else is going through the same thing. It’s normal to have an emotional reaction right now but it will pass!
- Ask yourself, What can I do right now to make myself feel better? You can get off Twitter, turn off the TV for one hour, take a few deep breaths, do a crossword puzzle, read a novel, write in your journal, make a batch of cookies, or take a nap.
Skill #2. Start looking at obstacles differently.
While you’ve been stuck at home during quarantine, have you found yourself awfulizing with thoughts like, If this wasn’t happening, I’d be going on a road trip with my friends or, If only I weren’t at home all the time I’d still be on my diet but now I can’t do it? In those moments when you’re trying to rationalize your decisions, you’re blaming the obstacles (in this instance, the pandemic) for not allowing you to achieve a goal. You’re giving external factors top priority and more importance than anything you can do. What if obstacles were to serve a different purpose in your life? Instead of using them as an excuse to avoid or quit something, what if you could use them to your advantage?
How can you do it?
Retired US Navy SEAL Jocko Willink has a power tip for dealing with obstacles, which he wrote about in his book Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual. When you reach an obstacle, instead of saying, Oh no! you should embrace it and say, GOOD! Why talk about an obstacle in a positive light? It’s a mindset shift that can yield big results because it gives you a feeling of control and allows your brain to be more flexible instead of rigid.
- If you’ve been getting bad grades in college courses in the past year, GOOD!Now you’ll dedicate more time to prepare and organize your study days more effectively.
- If your apartment is a mess because you’re too busy with work, GOOD! Now you’ll have to schedule in the time to tidy up, even if it’s 10 minutes each day.
- If you feel bad about not reaching out to friends as much as before, GOOD!You can get creative: send a text message, a voice clip, or short and funny video to let them know you’re thinking about them.
Skill #3. Practice a growth mindset.
Stanford professor of psychology Carol Dweck wrote a book called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success in which she makes an important distinction between two mindsets: fixed and growth mindset. A fixed mindset is when you think the world is “fixed” i.e. everything stays the same forever, people never change, and they are incapable of being in control of their lives. You’re lucky if you have good genes, a particular talent or gift; conversely, if your IQ isn’t stellar, too bad because you can’t do anything to improve your intellect. Translated into the current situation, having a fixed mindset means we see the world as completely out of our control. That way of thinking can make us feel powerless. Here’s where practicing a growth mindset can prove helpful.
How can you do it?
Shift your focus from awfulizing about things — the pandemic, the bad economy, the horrible weather, the unbearable news — and find something that is within your control and that you can work on every single day. Instead of scrolling through Twitter for hours getting anxious from the news, identify one area of your life you can improve that has a positive side effect of making you feel better about yourself. When you are proactive, you’re building emotional resilience and taking control of your life.
- Find the time to finish up a home project you’ve been putting off for months, whether it’s painting the walls in your bedroom, cleaning out the bedroom closet, or organizing your spice collection.
- Schedule a simple workout for 15–20 minutes each morning to create a routine that will give you a boost of endorphins and a healthy dose of vitamin D from the sunlight. Try a yoga routine or go for a quick walk through the neighborhood.
- Call a friend over the phone to ask them about their day. They may only want a sympathetic ear or they’ll seek advice for solving a problem. Either way, don’t multitask as you’re talking — really listen and figure out what’s the best way to be their friend right now.
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