Excellent question, and an important one.
Having emotions is part of being human, but the interesting thing is that we humans often have a hard time with our emotions. We struggle to understand them, we don’t know where they come from, we are conflicted about them, we find it hard to cope with them, let alone change them. It’s not uncommon that we let our emotions take over our daily lives, which can make us feel like we cannot control them and instead, they control us. Emotions can affect our behavior, mood, cognitive performance, even relationships with others.
In an ideal world you would be the one in charge. You would control your emotions so they don’t wash over you, tell you what to do, and even negatively influence your relationships with people you care about. What are some ways to make that happen?
Here are 5 techniques you may find useful. They are listed in chronological order.
Technique #1. STOP and acknowledge the emotion.
It can be as simple as pausing in the middle of a situation and saying, I notice I am feeling _______. You can use a specific word (angry, sad, frustrated, confused, upset) or a group of words (I am feeling both angry and resentful). Don’t worry about categorizing the emotion as a positive or negative one. The important thing is to have an awareness that an emotion has shown up.
Technique #2. SIT with it.
This may feel weird and that’s OK. Sitting with an emotion simply means not avoiding it just because it makes you uncomfortable. In fact, it’s better for you to give it some space and let yourself feel it. Often times we rush from one thing to the next, one task to the next, or one conversation to the next without processing our thoughts or emotions. And whenever that happens, we brush our emotions aside without really taking a good look at what we are feeling. If you want to get better at controlling your emotions, you have to take a look at them up close. It can take a few seconds or a few minutes, just be sure to give yourself that time.
Technique #3. THINK through your emotional loop.
Try to remember a few situations in the recent past when you got very emotional about something, and ask yourself the following questions.
- What caused me to get that upset? Was it an event in my immediate environment, something a friend said to me, an unexpected turn of events in the news, someone’s extreme behavior, or a comment I heard at work or school? These questions are helpful because if you notice a pattern, it will help you identify the triggers.
- What typically happens when I overreact this way? Do I speak more loudly, cry, talk or yell, gesture emphatically, start an argument or get really quiet? How does overreacting make me feel? What happens immediately afterwards? It’s important to think through the steps so you can better understand not just your reaction but also how it affects other people and the way they behave towards you.
- What would I like to change about my behavior? If you don’t like something about it, you have the power to change it. If you are internalizing something bad you heard on the news, is there a way to reduce your exposure to reading everything you see online? If you are upsetting people around you, is there a different way to share your thoughts and feelings with others by initiating a dialogue instead of an argument? Consider different options that can make a more positive impact.
Technique #4. ZOOM OUT to see the big picture.
Sometimes we react too quickly out of fear. In some cases, it can be an instinctive reaction — if we sense we are in danger, we run. In other cases we may misinterpret an event as something that will cause us immediate harm, when realistically speaking it does not pose an objective threat. It’s important to understand the big picture — is the danger we feel real or not? Ask yourself the following questions.
- Is my reaction to an event “mirroring” (imitating) other people’s reaction because they also find it scary and upsetting? For example, if you’re in a group of friends watching news footage from a war-torn region and you hear about numerous casualties, it’s human for viewers to get upset, cry, or have a heated discussion about what they just saw. You shouldn’t feel bad about getting emotional in this instance.
- Do I often find myself getting upset or easily drawn into arguments with others? This could be for several reasons. Maybe it’s a cultural or family thing and the way you were raised, where you were taught to express your emotions and thoughts openly and verbally. Or, it could be because there’s someone close to you who is deliberately provoking you or you perceive their behavior as provocative. Although you might not feel OK reacting this way, it’s good to understand where the learned behavior is coming from. Next time it happens, take a deep breath and try not to say or do anything. Observe how the other person reacts. If that doesn’t help, read technique #5.
Technique #5. DISENGAGE.
If you find yourself frequently in situations where you argue with others or get upset to the point that you can’t continue your work or concentrate on anything else, it may be time to literally remove yourself from the situation that is upsetting you. Try the following steps.
- When a situation escalates, step away. Remove yourself from the room, say out loud that you need to leave for a bit, and don’t add anything else to the conversation. Then walk out. The benefit to this behavior is that by leaving, you ensure that you won’t add any more emotion to the situation. Sometimes adding more words to the mix (even if they’re said with good intentions) doesn’t help.
- Go for a walk or do another type of physical activity. For example, ride your bike, go for a run, or do a set of 20 pushups. Give your body something else to do that is completely different from the situation you just left, which will give your mind a chance to disengage. Another benefit is that you’ll get a positive rush from endorphins during exercise.
- Acknowledge that you reacted differently this time. This is a positive change — you didn’t fall into the same emotional loop. What you’re doing right now is working on breaking a bad habit, and every time you react differently you’re rewiring your brain and creating new opportunities to create better habits. Take a few minutes to see how this change feels. Allow yourself to feel gratitude about working to conquer something that is challenging to you. And stay consistent — make a deliberate effort to adjust your behavior daily whenever the opportunity presents itself.
📖📖📖 If you are interested in the topic of managing your emotional loops, there is one book I recommend: Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life by Susan David, PhD. In this book Dr. David introduces the concept of emotional agility. Emotional agility means that we can be flexible with our thoughts and feelings (the equivalent of having a growth mindset), instead of being rigid and holding on to beliefs from our past (the equivalent of having a fixed mindset). She explains four key concepts of emotional agility:
- Showing up (facing your thoughts and feelings)
- Stepping out (detaching from thoughts and feelings)
- Walking your why (focusing on your core values)
- Moving on (getting proactive in changing your habits and mindset)
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