What an excellent question to ask.
It’s such a human thing, isn’t it? To observe the lives of others, see their struggles, and come up with solutions of how they could improve their situation in some way (even if they don’t ask you to do it). That’s the difference between being objective and subjective. When you’re objective, you’re not influenced by a personal preference or point of view. You’re more likely to be rational and less emotional. But when you’re subjective, your attitudes, mindset, feelings, and thoughts get added to the mix. It’s harder to see a situation rationally and just look at facts.
What does this all have to do with knowing yourself?
The truth, whether you agree with it or not, is that you’ve already spent a significant amount of time learning about yourself. You’re just not doing it in a mindful way so you think it doesn’t count towards anything. But really, if you have reached adulthood, you have a fairly good idea of who you are. By that I mean you should possess a solid knowledge of your strengths and weaknesses, what excites you, what you’re afraid of, how you typically react to stressful situations, what kinds of social interactions make you feel good (or uncomfortable), what value system you live by, and so on. This is a natural part of growing as a human being — we discover ourselves in day to day situations. That’s the self-discovery part of the equation, kind of like a situational analysis of who you are right now.
But there’s another, even more interesting, part of the equation — and that is exploring not just who you are, but who you can become. This is what I like to call the “what if” scenario. What or who could you become if you stepped out of your comfort zone, if you challenged yourself, if you took more risks, if you didn’t allow fear to dictate your decisions? How hard or easy would your goals be if you were self-disciplined enough to say no to distractions and really focus on what you believe is the right path to a better life?
The “what if” scenario is worth exploring. But it does not have to be anything complicated. All you need is to figure out next steps.
I’ll give several examples of what you can do.
#1. You can give your life more purpose by setting important goals.
Having a realistic, specific, and important goal is one of the most critical factors that can help you build a meaningful future. With goals, everything you do in your day to day life will start feeling like it has a greater sense of purpose. You won’t see your actions as inconsequential or isolated ones. Quite the opposite: everything you do will start to add up to something much bigger.
How do you do that?
- Identify specific goals. If your goals sound abstract, you won’t have much to work with. Non-specific goals can be any of the following: I want to get a job, live alone, get fit, lose weight, or have a large salary. Instead, make your goal as specific as possible. For example, if you’re starting a job search, write down that you want to get a job offer for a specific role that pays an annual salary of [write an amount you believe is fair given your skills and experience] so you can develop skills [write the skills you currently have and the ones you will be working on].
- Train your brain to focus on the immediate future. Who can be motivated to do anything if they don’t believe it can add up to something big and important? To make a connection between what you are doing each day with your future self, try this simple mind hack. Start each day with this question: What is the one thing I am committed to completing today? Asking it forces you to prioritize, helps your brain focus better, and streamlines the work you need to do so you don’t feel overwhelmed.
- Hold yourself accountable. This means you start being responsible for your actions. A good way to improve self-responsibility is by building commitments to yourself. How? Define a very specific goal you want to achieve in a certain time frame. For example, I am committed to focusing on my studies in the next 30 days so I can pass all three of my exams with top marks. Or, I am committed to building my physical endurance by running 4 times a week for 3 months so that I can run a 5K race.
#2. You can take the time to develop your core skill set.
You probably have a good idea of skills you’ve already developed in the past 10 or 20 years. Still, there are other skills you’ve identified as important, and maybe you wish you had them already or you’ve already started working on them because you know that the better version of you needs to have those skills. Maybe even more than that: in your vision of the future, the better you is an expert or master in a specific field of expertise! This is why it’s important to identify and develop the core skill set that will help your better self.
How do you do that?
- Identify skills you need to succeed in your dream career, current job, or athletic discipline. Take the time to come up with ideas and don’t rush through this step. You might want to go on a walk, hike, or bike ride and use one day this weekend to devote to this activity. The first step is to just brainstorm: think of all the possible skills you will need. Then, when you have a good list in your mind, sit in a quiet place with a pen and paper, and write down a list of all the skills, then select the top 3 that you want to focus on.
- Create a skill-building plan. What’s the point of having ideas if there isn’t an action plan to make them come alive? Building new skills takes time. Tolstoy didn’t write Anna Karenina in a day. Nikola Tesla didn’t work on developing the modern alternating current (AC) electricity supply system or wireless communication in a single month. And it’s estimated that Picasso produced around 50,000 works of art during his lifetime. As for you, where can you begin? Take those top 3 skills you’ve selected, then create a plan to devote time each day to them, even if that means only 15 minutes in the beginning.
- Practice each skill consistently. It’s one thing to create a plan, and another to put that plan into action. Put your planned time on your calendar and set reminders so you don’t forget what you set for yourself. When you’re working on a skill, make sure it’s deep work — focus on it without interruptions and do not multitask. Keep going even as you make mistakes; if you don’t make mistakes, you are not doing it right!
#3. You can simplify new habits that can improve the quality of your life.
Why? If you make your habits super complicated, you might only work on them for a week or two. Did you notice what happens in January each year when people come up with New Year resolutions, especially those related to fitness? There are many people running in the neighborhood and the gyms in the area are packed. But by the end of the month, most of them have already given up. What happened? Probably their goals were too lofty and the habits too complicated to keep up, given their long commute, family and work responsibilities, and so on. You can approach this problem differently.
How do you do that?
- Start with small steps. Practice super short activities that are not only doable but easy to fit into your day so you won’t be able to make excuses for avoiding them. For example, if you’re improving your writing skills, start by writing a paragraph or two each day. If you’re learning a new language, start by learning how to introduce yourself in a sentence or two. If you want to lose 10 pounds, start by going on a 30-minute walk after work to get you in the workout frame of mind.
- Make it impossible to say no to your new habit. If it takes a long time to start something new, chances are you’ll give up quickly, maybe even after a week of trying. That’s why it’s important to keep a new habit as simple as possible. For example, do a mini-workout at home for 10 minutes every day this month, instead of giving up on working out just because your gym is a 30-minute bus ride away.
- Prepare what you need ahead of time. You’ll have a much better chance at achieving success if you’re prepared for action. If you’re overwhelmed and exhausted from studying, go to bed 30 minutes earlier than usual to give yourself time to de-stress and relax with a good book or soothing music. If you want to stop making unhealthy choices for lunch, prepare and pack your meal the night before so you don’t have to grab a burger at a fast food place when you’re starving.
#4. You can say “thank you” for everything you have in your life right now.
There are many benefits to practicing gratitude — and no, it doesn’t mean repeating abstract words or phrases that you learn by heart but don’t understand. If done correctly, this habit can be a total game changer. Practicing gratitude trains your brain to focus on positive things and makes you think of what you already have in your life, as opposed to what you do not. Being grateful will also keep you grounded in your personal life so you are less focused or even obsessed with what others (friends, classmates, people you follow on Instagram) are doing with theirs.
How do you do that?
- Do it early in the day. It will only take a few minutes when you wake up and before you start getting ready for work or school. You may want to write your thoughts down in a journal, or think about them silently, or say your thoughts out loud. It’s up to you.
- Start small. Focus on 3 things you are grateful for today. It can be having a warm bed to sleep in; a family member or friend who you trust and who encourages you to become the best version of yourself; food in your fridge; the opportunity to focus on your education so that you can take charge of your life and become independent.
- Be as specific as possible. If it’s one person you’re grateful for having in your life, emphasize which qualities you are grateful for (they’re warm, intelligent, helpful in giving advice, or incredibly funny). If it’s having your own space, point out why this is important to you (you have your own room or apartment to relax at the end of the day, and devote yourself to activities important to your personal growth).
#5. You can make a deliberate effort to believe in yourself more.
Sure, you will say. But that’s easier said than done. We consider ourselves lucky if a family member or close friend tells us, I believe in you! It’s good to hear, and even if that doesn’t happen that’s OK. It is much more important for you to believe in yourself. This is a challenge because all of us from time to time engage in negative self-talk, give in to self-doubt, and are our biggest critic in the whole world. How can you move beyond that way of thinking? By changing your mindset, bit by bit, each day.
How do you do that?
- Develop a growth mindset. In a nutshell, a growth mindset means you stretch yourself to learn something new every day, challenge yourself to solve tough problems, and work consistently until you improve. Instead of telling yourself what you can or cannot do, what you’re talented at, or how you feel stupid whenever you try doing it (all of which is a fixed mindset way of thinking), start expanding your horizons by saying, What if I tried getting better at this every day, in small steps?
- Grow your critical thinking muscle. As you experience life and the world around you, it’s important not take everything you see and hear for granted, but rather learn how to think on your own. Start by asking questions — not just those that can be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ — but also open-ended questions that begin with why and how. Take from the information you receive what is important to you (based on your own personal goals, values, and priorities). When someone offers you advice ask yourself, does it align with my personal values? How would I benefit from following this advice, or is it not useful to me?
- Turn obstacles into opportunities. When we encounter an obstacle, it’s a default reaction to get emotional — we feel frustrated, angry, sad, or helpless. As a result, we may turn around and go the other way, we may quit, and we may not ever find out what would’ve happened if we kept going. Instead of the emotional reaction, work through the challenge so you can get stronger mentally. Write down the problem and why it happened. Consider all possible solutions and their pros and cons. Make a decision based on the information you know, then act on it. When you’re proactive about your life, you’ll see yourself as stronger and more powerful — which is how you’ll know you are already becoming that better version of yourself.
📖 Because this is an important and popular topic, I created a workbook called Best Version of Yourself. It’s a printable, 30-page book with a checklist of tips and explanations, question prompts, and a workbook section for writing down your answers. Read more about it here.
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