No, I wouldn’t call it normal — but what is sad is that parents frequently use this type of language. And what they don’t seem to understand is just how much this kind of message will follow their children throughout their lives.
Specifically, the way parents talk to their children will help shape their mindsets. And speaking of mindsets, there’s an excellent book on this topic by Carol Dweck called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Dweck explains that we adopt a certain mindset about our abilities very early in life due to the words used by our parents, teachers, and other adults as we were growing up. Over time, these words and phrases shape the attitude we develop towards ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses. As we become adults, we acquire one of two opposing mindsets that ultimately prove to be either empowering or detrimental to our life. A fixed mindset is about believing that your affinities and talents are set in stone so you cannot change or fix them, whereas a growth mindset is about believing that you can grow and cultivate your skills by working continuously on them.
How do you know if you have a fixed mindset?
Think back to a time when you encountered a setback, received criticism, or had a hard time learning something new. Did you ever hear or tell yourself any of the following statements?
I was born this way.
You can never change.
I always get straight A’s in school.
You’re my son/daughter, you’ll study what I tell you to study.
It’s impossible.
I am stupid.
You’ll fail.
It’s better to give up.
You’re not talented.
I am too scared to try.
I can’t do this.
If you did, these statements show a fixed mindset way of thinking. What’s the disadvantage? It can make you feel helpless, irrelevant, and passive. It can lead you to believe there’s nothing in this world that you can control. It can rob you of the freedom to express yourself, learn new things, explore the world, be curious, find out who you can truly be. Essentially, having a fixed mindset holds you back from living your life expansively.
But you don’t have to be resigned about having this mindset forever! There are specific things you can do to make incremental adjustments, go outside your comfort zone bit by bit, and change your way of thinking in small ways every day.
Here are a few ideas for changing from a fixed to a growth mindset way of thinking.
👉🏾 Learn something new every day. It can be anything from brushing up on your history knowledge by watching documentaries on ancient Greece or World War II, to researching something practical such as how to incorporate strength training into your daily workouts.
👉🏾 Don’t take it easy. Next time you are successful at reaching a goal, don’t just sit back and let it all go. Maintain that level of success, from making a plan to improve a skill important for your personal development, and then pushing yourself to a more advanced level.
👉🏾 Absorb knowledge wherever and whenever. Studying shouldn’t be limited just to the classroom. Read books on an interesting topic, take an online class, or watch free tutorials on YouTube on developing a skill you always wanted to have.
👉🏾 Find growth mindset people to spend time with. People closest to you (family, friends, or your partner) can impact your mood, attitude, belief system, and even what you perceive to be your strengths or weaknesses. Your inner circle should include optimistic people who have a can-do attitude towards problem-solving and who encourage you to grow your skills every day.
👉🏾 Change the way you think about success. Instead of thinking that success is being the best, start thinking of success as doing your best. Focus on finding ways to improve how you work and manage your personal development, from planning a difficult task ahead of time to waking up at 6 a.m. so you have time to implement a new positive habit in your life.
👉🏾 Train your brain to see failure in a different way. Instead of seeing your failures as confirmation of your inability to do something, train your brain to see failure as a setback. This is more motivating and helps you build character. Be honest with yourself how you may have contributed to failing, then come up with ways to do better next time.
👉🏾 Welcome new opportunities. Next time you’re faced with a new problem, start by asking yourself, What if? This question is open-ended and trains your brain to think beyond just reacting with, I am stupid or I can’t. It allows you to look at a situation from other angles, practice your critical thinking skills, and creates space to come up with creative solutions to a problem.
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