Why should a person not impose their thoughts to kids?

So many reasons.

Let’s first define the verb “to impose” as forcing someone to accept something, especially a belief or way of living. It can also mean establishing and reinforcing a rule that must be obeyed, which in this case means demonstrating the parents’ authority over their children.

Why is this such an important thing?

Because thoughts don’t just remain in the minds of parents.

Thoughts directly affect their actions — specifically the words they use to talk to their children.

And in turn, the words parents use will affect the mindsets of their children.

Speaking of mindsets, there’s an excellent book on this topic by Carol Dweck called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Dweck explains that we adopt a certain mindset about our abilities very early in life due to the words used by our parents, teachers, and other adults as we were growing up. Over time, these words and phrases shape the attitude we develop towards ourselves, including how we see our strengths and weaknesses. As we become adults, we acquire one of two opposing mindsets that ultimately prove to be either empowering or detrimental to our life. A fixed mindset is about believing that your affinities and talents are set in stone so you cannot change or fix them, whereas a growth mindset is about believing that you can grow and cultivate your skills by working continuously on them.

How do you know if you have a fixed mindset?

Think back to a time when you encountered a setback, received criticism, or had a hard time learning something new. Did you ever hear from a parent or tell yourself any of the following statements?

I was born this way.

You can never change.

I always get straight A’s in school.

You’re my son/daughter, you’ll study what I tell you to study.

It’s impossible.

I am stupid.

You’ll fail.

It’s better to give up.

You’re not talented.

I am too scared to try.

I can’t do this.

These statements show a fixed mindset way of thinking — which has many disadvantages. This type of mindset can make you feel helpless, irrelevant, and passive. It can lead you to believe there’s nothing in this world that you can control. It can take away your freedom to express yourself, learn new things, explore the world, be curious, find out who you can truly be. Essentially, having a fixed mindset holds you back from living your life expansively.

There is a silver lining in this story — you don’t have to be resigned about having this mindset forever! There are specific things you can do to make incremental adjustments, go outside your comfort zone bit by bit, and change your way of thinking in small ways every day.

Here are 7 ways to gradually change from a fixed to a growth mindset way of thinking.

👉🏾 Learn something new every day. It can be anything from brushing up on your history knowledge by watching documentaries on ancient Greece or World War II, to researching something practical such as how to incorporate strength training into your daily workouts.

👉🏾 Don’t just take it easy. Next time you are successful at reaching a goal, don’t sit back and let it all go. Maintain that level of success, from making a plan to improve a skill important for your personal development, and then pushing yourself to a more advanced level.

👉🏾 Absorb knowledge wherever and whenever. Studying shouldn’t be limited just to the classroom. Learn any time, anywhere! Read books on an interesting topic, take an online class, or watch free tutorials on YouTube on developing a skill you always wanted to have.

👉🏾 Find growth mindset people to spend time with. People closest to you (family, friends, or your partner) can impact your mood, attitude, belief system, and even what you perceive to be your strengths or weaknesses. Your inner circle should include optimistic people who have a can-do attitude towards problem-solving and who encourage you to grow your skills every day.

👉🏾 Change the way you think about success. Instead of thinking that success is being the best, start thinking of success as doing your best. Focus on finding ways to improve how you work and manage your personal development, from planning a difficult task ahead of time to waking up at 6 a.m. so you have time to implement a new positive habit in your life.

👉🏾 Train your brain to see failure in a different way. Instead of seeing your failures as confirmation of your inability to do something, train your brain to see failure as a setback. This is more motivating and helps you build character. Be honest with yourself how you may have contributed to failing, then come up with ways to do better next time.

👉🏾 Welcome new opportunities. Next time you’re faced with a new problem, start by asking yourself, What if…? This question is open-ended and trains your brain to think beyond just reacting with, I am stupid or I can’t. It allows you to look at a situation from other angles, practice your critical thinking skills, and creates space to come up with creative solutions to a problem.

Is it normal for parents to call their children stupid?

No, I wouldn’t call it normal — but what is sad is that parents frequently use this type of language. And what they don’t seem to understand is just how much this kind of message will follow their children throughout their lives.

Specifically, the way parents talk to their children will help shape their mindsets. And speaking of mindsets, there’s an excellent book on this topic by Carol Dweck called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Dweck explains that we adopt a certain mindset about our abilities very early in life due to the words used by our parents, teachers, and other adults as we were growing up. Over time, these words and phrases shape the attitude we develop towards ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses. As we become adults, we acquire one of two opposing mindsets that ultimately prove to be either empowering or detrimental to our life. A fixed mindset is about believing that your affinities and talents are set in stone so you cannot change or fix them, whereas a growth mindset is about believing that you can grow and cultivate your skills by working continuously on them.

How do you know if you have a fixed mindset?

Think back to a time when you encountered a setback, received criticism, or had a hard time learning something new. Did you ever hear or tell yourself any of the following statements?

I was born this way.

You can never change.

I always get straight A’s in school.

You’re my son/daughter, you’ll study what I tell you to study.

It’s impossible.

I am stupid.

You’ll fail.

It’s better to give up.

You’re not talented.

I am too scared to try.

I can’t do this.

If you did, these statements show a fixed mindset way of thinking. What’s the disadvantage? It can make you feel helpless, irrelevant, and passive. It can lead you to believe there’s nothing in this world that you can control. It can rob you of the freedom to express yourself, learn new things, explore the world, be curious, find out who you can truly be. Essentially, having a fixed mindset holds you back from living your life expansively.

But you don’t have to be resigned about having this mindset forever! There are specific things you can do to make incremental adjustments, go outside your comfort zone bit by bit, and change your way of thinking in small ways every day.

Here are a few ideas for changing from a fixed to a growth mindset way of thinking.

👉🏾 Learn something new every day. It can be anything from brushing up on your history knowledge by watching documentaries on ancient Greece or World War II, to researching something practical such as how to incorporate strength training into your daily workouts.

👉🏾 Don’t take it easy. Next time you are successful at reaching a goal, don’t just sit back and let it all go. Maintain that level of success, from making a plan to improve a skill important for your personal development, and then pushing yourself to a more advanced level.

👉🏾 Absorb knowledge wherever and whenever. Studying shouldn’t be limited just to the classroom. Read books on an interesting topic, take an online class, or watch free tutorials on YouTube on developing a skill you always wanted to have.

👉🏾 Find growth mindset people to spend time with. People closest to you (family, friends, or your partner) can impact your mood, attitude, belief system, and even what you perceive to be your strengths or weaknesses. Your inner circle should include optimistic people who have a can-do attitude towards problem-solving and who encourage you to grow your skills every day.

👉🏾 Change the way you think about success. Instead of thinking that success is being the best, start thinking of success as doing your best. Focus on finding ways to improve how you work and manage your personal development, from planning a difficult task ahead of time to waking up at 6 a.m. so you have time to implement a new positive habit in your life.

👉🏾 Train your brain to see failure in a different way. Instead of seeing your failures as confirmation of your inability to do something, train your brain to see failure as a setback. This is more motivating and helps you build character. Be honest with yourself how you may have contributed to failing, then come up with ways to do better next time.

👉🏾 Welcome new opportunities. Next time you’re faced with a new problem, start by asking yourself, What if? This question is open-ended and trains your brain to think beyond just reacting with, I am stupid or I can’t. It allows you to look at a situation from other angles, practice your critical thinking skills, and creates space to come up with creative solutions to a problem.

My 5-year old daughter is good at spelling words and is interested in spelling more. Should I attach any meaning to this?

Of course! The meaning is this — your daughter is curious, excited, and eager to learn how to spell. What a wonderful thing! I am happy that as a parent you’ve picked up on these cues and you’re observing your child learn new things.

That said, it’s important to pause and self-reflect. When your child says she wants to learn more words, what do you say to her? How do you give her feedback? I would encourage you to consider your words carefully because she will not only listen to what you have to say, but also she’ll absorb your reaction which will ultimately influence how she sees herself and her intellectual abilities for years to come.

Let me explain. A Stanford professor called Carol Dweck wrote a wonderful book which I recommend to everyone — Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. It explains how we adopt a certain mindset about our abilities very early in life (around your daughter’s age and even earlier) due to the messages we receive from parents, teachers, and other adults in our community. These messages help shape the attitude we develop towards ourselves: what we “should” be doing in our careers, what our role in society “should’ be, what our strengths and weaknesses are, etc. There are two opposing mindsets that can be either empowering or detrimental to our life: a fixed mindset (believing that our affinities and talents are set in stone and therefore cannot ever be changed, for better or for worse) and a growth mindset (believing that we can grow and cultivate our skills by working continuously on them).

There’s one specific chapter of the book that you may find useful as you think through this. It’s Chapter 7: “Parents, Teachers, and Coaches: Where Do Mindsets Come From?” In this chapter Dweck writes about giving praise to children, talking about failure, and what happens when children process what their parents tell them.

• How important is it to give praise? Many parents praise everything their children do in the hope it will boost self-confidence. However, Dweck believes that adults should praise their children’s efforts (in your daughter’s case, her spelling skills), but not their inherent abilities or talent. She points out that praising intelligence harms the children’s motivation and performance. Translation: if they feel talented in one area, they won’t feel a need to work on it; when they fail, they won’t have the necessary skills to pick themselves up and move forward.
• What should be parents’ attitude towards failure? This is something many parents struggle with, and for good reason. Some have been criticized by their own parents for not doing well in school and they either repeat the same behavior or else they go in the opposite direction, avoiding a discussion about failure altogether. But this step is important too. Parents can offer constructive criticism by acknowledging the failure, explaining how it happened, and offering advice on how the child can improve in the future.
• How do children process their parents’ feedback? Depends on their mindset. Children with fixed mindsets constantly feel judged by their parents, often struggle to be that “perfect child” and learn from an early age that their parents’ love is conditional. Children with growth mindsets do not believe that their performance is linked to their self-worth. They feel supported by their parents and understand that the feedback is meant to help them develop a love of learning.

As a parent, you are in a position to make a lasting impact on your child. What you say, how you behave, which words you choose to encourage (and also criticize) — everything will go towards shaping the future of this wonderful human being who is now merely 5 years old. When she grows up, she will remember how you spoke to her. Maybe not the exact words you said, but she will remember how you made her feel. It will become part of her mindset, too. And if it’s a growth mindset, you will have given her a tool that she can use for problem-solving, critical thinking, and making decisions that are right for her and her future.

How can I focus on my own happiness instead of trying to please my parents?

 

Ufffff. Tough one.

How do I say this as gently as possible and at the same time give you my interpretation of a parent-child relationship from an adult’s perspective?

I would point out two important things.

First, trying to please your parents is an incredibly difficult task. A never-ending project, without a clear beginning or end. A time-consuming exercise that doesn’t guarantee success — certainly not every single time.

Most likely, things were more simple back when you were younger. It was easier to please your parents as you were focused on learning how to read the alphabet, ride a bike, or get that first A in a math class. But fast-forward 10 years or so and you’re somewhere in high school or at university, and the requirements for pleasing parents have become more complicated and intricate. Now you’re trying to keep up with classes, have a social life, experience your first real long-term relationship with someone you care about — and your parents might have an issue with your performance in one of those areas, if not all of them.

So what can you do about it? My advice to you is this: Even if the situation seems overwhelming right now, it will not last forever. Focus on your goals, both scholastic and personal ones. And one important note — make sure that the goals you set for yourself are those that are uniquely yours.

Which brings me to the second important thing.

To focus on your own happiness, you first need to identify what it is that makes you happy. You have to set aside some time for self-discovery and exploration. Think back to what made you happy when you were younger (other than eating ice-cream and going on vacation!). What did you think you were going to do when you grew up? Did you always dream of becoming a pilot, a painter, a college professor? Take a notebook and start writing these things down. First write a list of activities, professions, or a lifestyle you would want to have in ten years. Next to each item, write down why this is important to you. Make the connection between the what and the why.

Growing up is very tricky. You are establishing who you are as an adult, what traits make you unique, who you want to include in your circle of friends, which activities you want to do that will help you get better at skills that will benefit you as you go through the college years, your first job, even your social network and your marriage. As you embark on your life’s journey, know that there is a big difference between what your parents (also teachers, family members, and friends) think you “should” do and what is right for you. Make sure that you’re not behaving in a “fixed mindset” way (believing that your skills cannot be changed or that you must pursue a career that others want for you). Instead, give yourself the opportunity every single day to pursue a “growth mindset” way of thinking (knowing that you can improve your skills and learn new things continuously over an extended period of time).

Why is all this important? Because there will come a time when you will find yourself in a college program, a job or a career path — and you may realize that it doesn’t make you happy or fulfilled in any way. You may start daydreaming about something you gave up doing a long time ago. You may start regretting the time lost.

Don’t get to that point. Make sure that others do not make those important choices for you. Create a plan for your life, find out what it will take to achieve goals that are dear to you, and take full ownership of your happiness.

Don’t ever let others dictate what will make you happy. That’s YOUR job.