Tag: Daily habits

Self discipline is one of the best approaches to self-actualization. How do you become self-disciplined?

Self discipline is one of the best approaches to self-actualization.

Interesting observation, and I agree! Especially if you think about what self-actualization means, which can be:

👉🏾 Becoming a better (making progress towards the best) version of yourself.

👉🏾 Reaching your full potential.

👉🏾 Becoming everything you are capable of becoming.

This last definition comes from psychologist Abraham Maslow, whose name you may recognize as the author of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. According to Maslow, there are 5 core human needs.

1. Basic needs — food, shelter, clothing

2. Need for safety — having stability and security

3. Relationship needs — feeling love and having a sense of belonging

4. Esteem needs — accomplishment, respect for other people, self-respect

5. Self-actualization — achieving one’s full potential

And you’re right, here’s where self-discipline plays a pivotal role in the self-actualization phase. It will be helpful to understand the concept of self-discipline as an important skill, a daily habit, even a way of life that can lead to self-actualization.

How can you implement it in your life? I suggest doing it in small steps every day.

1. First, narrow down your focus.

The way you start any day will set the tone to whatever you do, try to do, want to do, and then actually do. You can choose to be reactive, which can mean you wake up, get your phone, start checking emails, read the news on Twitter. If you’d like to create a different beginning to your day, get proactive by training your brain to be focused as soon as you wake up.

How would you do this?

Start your day with this question: What is the one thing I am committed to completing today? This technique trains your brain to focus on identifying goals important to you and forces you to prioritize the single goal you believe to be the most relevant in this moment. How? Put it in writing. Write it in large letters on a sheet of paper and hang it on your bedroom or bathroom wall. Read it out loud as you start your day, for example as you’re brushing your teeth or getting ready for work or school. Come up with an answer on the spot and answer it out loud. Then follow up by taking action.

2. Do your “deep work” as early as possible.

When it comes to work, timing — just like in most other aspects of your life — is everything. Being self-disciplined means you do deep work (concentrating on complex cognitive tasks such as studying, problem-solving, writing) first before you do anything for pleasure. It means you set aside a certain time of day for work, and then leave other times for entertainment and socializing.

How would you do this?

Make the most of your mornings by building a habit of doing your deep work early. Take full advantage of your circadian rhythm (your body’s biological clock), which is your natural rhythm that “knows” what are the optimal times for you to perform certain tasks. For most people, the early morning hours are optimal for deep work. Specifically, the brain’s peak performance is 2-4 hours after we wake up. So if you wake up at 6, then your peak times are until 10 a.m. Working early allows your brain to focus fully on the problem at hand, with fewer distractions from your environment.

3. Postpone what you do for pleasure.

What’s the point of postponing pleasant activities? You’d be surprised how far-reaching this practice can be. In a study performed by Stanford University scientists, results showed that delayed gratification can increase your chance at succeeding in many areas of your life — your education, career, short and long term goals, even your personal life choices. This study is now famous and is called the Marshmallow experiment.

How would you do this?

Start by observing the things you’d like to indulge in whenever the opportunity presents itself — for example, eating a large slice of chocolate cake after dinner. Then, resist the temptation to treat yourself by thinking of one reason why not to indulge: maybe you’re focused on your new fitness goals or developing better eating habits. And follow up — take your attention away from the distractions and focus on your priorities for the day: complete your homework, go outside for a run or brisk walk, listen to a podcast on an interesting topic.

4. To achieve your full potential, don’t let social media run your life.

Leading a self-disciplined life means you learn how to say no to indulging in pleasant activities, procrastinating on daily priorities, letting distractions take over your day. Distractions are toxic — one minute you’re catching up with a friend on WhatsApp, and next thing you know it’s two hours later and you haven’t started studying for your exam. When you turn off what distracts you, you have a better chance to actually get stuff done.

How would you do this?

Distractions come from different sources, not just your electronic devices. Deal with them one by one. First, set your phone to Airplane mode when you need to focus on work — try it for a 2-hour period. Next, let people around you (family members, friends, or roommates) know you won’t be available during that time. Check your email and social media apps 2–3 times during the day. To avoid browsing the Internet while working, close all tabs in your browser.

5. Think forward.

Like with all other areas in your life, self-discipline is for the most part all about attitude. It’s not about what you “should” do or what feels uncomfortable to do. It’s all about what it can afford you. With daily practice, self-discipline can train your brain to prioritize the things you can control and free up your time to focus on personal goals.

How would you do this?

Instead of focusing only on daily tasks, start thinking about your future and what you want to accomplish in 5, 10, and yes even 20 years. Maybe it feels like you’re sacrificing some things right now (chatting with friends or indulging in a delicious dessert), but think long-term. Write down a list of new habits you’re practicing that can add up to bigger results a year from now. Create time for them in your calendar — even for 30 minutes a day. When you understand how self-discipline can impact your life, you’re more likely to practice it today, tomorrow, and onwards.

✏️🗓 If you are interested in this topic, I put together an e-book package called My Complete Self-Discipline Kit. It consists of two e-books: Develop a Self Disciplined Lifestyle Workbook and My Self-Discipline Journal. Learn more about it here.

New to the blog? Subscribe with your email and get a free sample of My Self-Discipline Journal.  

What methods do you personally advise using to break free from limiting bad habits?

There are two things that can help you:

  • Change your mindset i.e. the way you think
  • Change in the way you talk to yourself

I’ll explain.

The limiting bad habits you’ve been struggling with are probably something that’s become part of your daily life. Perhaps you tried to eliminate them on many occasions. But every time that happened you’ve concluded it’s impossible.

You told yourself, “This is incredibly hard. I can’t stop doing this!”

Instead of the same negative self-talk over and over, you can choose a different path and say, “Why don’t I at least try to stop doing this?”

Every time you ask an open-ended question like this one, you are creating a small shift in the way you think — your mindset. Actually, you’re making a switch from a fixed to a growth mindset way of thinking. As Carol Dweck describes in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, your mindset does not need to stay fixed over the course of your life. A fixed mindset makes you believe that your personality, skills, and strengths are “fixed” i.e. you have them from birth and there’s nothing you can do to change them, for better or worse. If you’re the type of person who smokes, there’s no use trying to stop. Or, if you believe you’re a quitter who leaves one job after another or goes from one relationship to the next, there’s no point in changing your ways. That’s a defeatist way to lead your life, don’t you think? Instead, you can cultivate a growth mindset in a number of ways: you can change your attitude and core beliefs about yourself, other people, even different angles for solving a problem.

Here’s a real-life situation where you can practice breaking free from bad habits.

Next time you hear that inner voice telling you, This is incredibly hard. I can’t stop doing this! — remind yourself that it’s your fixed mindset talking. Give yourself permission to react differently by taking these steps:

  • Give yourself time to think if there’s something hiding behind your “I can’t!” Maybe it’s the fear of not being able to do something successfully, or not knowing how to stay away from things you know aren’t good for you, or feeling OK to stay in your comfort zone, or not having enough self-discipline to get out of it.
  • Ask yourself why you are feeling so much resistance. Be honest. What are the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing right now? Is there fear of any kind, a need to distract yourself because you’re avoiding something, or is there some other benefit you believe you’re getting by keeping the bad habit? Find out what it is so you can do something about it.
  • Think how a habit change can benefit you. You can win over the fear that’s been following you for a long time. You can lead a healthier life. You can reach a goal that matters to you by getting all obstacles out of the way. Not to mention how great you’ll feel once you put the bad habit behind you!
  • Ask the question, Why not try to stop it? Then observe how your brain reacts to the question. What is the first thing that comes to mind? Do you immediately look for obstacles if you try something different, do the words give you courage to act differently, do you feel you have more freedom to contemplate what a positive outcome will bring you?
  • Consider your future. What would your life be like if you decided not to let fear limit you? How would you deal with other obstacles if you kept an open mind about this one? By adopting a growth mindset, you can cultivate strengths and skills through continued effort over time. This mindset can give you the strength to say no to bad habits so you can create space for letting more positivity into your life — better habits, more optimism, and more hope. And you — you deserve that!

✏️📖 I created a workbook on this topic called Train Your Brain to Break Bad Habits. It includes 7 steps to change a habit you don’t want to keep in your life any more, and tips to replace it with a positive habit. Each chapter includes an introduction, question prompts, and a workbook section. I also included two templates for tracking your habit change: a weekly schedule and an obstacle journal. You can learn more about it here.

My comfort zone is killing me, but I am too lazy to step out. What should I do?

I don’t think you’re too lazy — I think you’re scared.

I’ll explain.

Being in your comfort zone just means you like what’s familiar. There are certain habits you repeat every day, specific rituals you believe work best as you’re completing daily tasks, and a certain way you talk to yourself that has stuck with you for years. Underneath all those layers, there’s probably something that scares you. It’s scary to take risks because that sounds dangerous. It’s risky to change the way you study or work because what if that yields negative results? It’s challenging to convince yourself to find a goal that’s unique to you and only you, instead of taking on a goal a friend told you about and now you want it too.

Breaking out of your comfort zone requires you to do uncomfortable things — and the first one is to be honest with yourself. This means:

#1. Acknowledging that you feel scared of something you don’t know.

We as humans all feel fear of some things, and that’s how we are wired. Fear has protected us and helped us survive. It has kept us on our toes, always on the lookout for danger and enemies and natural disasters, so that we can escape when we need to. And we often still feel that need to escape, even though we have come a long way from what our ancestors had to deal with every single day. But still, it’s best to be aware of the feeling.

👉🏾 Question to ask yourself: What am I fearful about? Give the fear a name. Say it out loud.

#2. Trying not to immediately have a negative reaction to something new.

Sometimes it’s that voice that you hear saying, I can’t do this! If it is, just chalk it up to your fixed mindset talking. What’s a fixed mindset? It’s your belief that your personality, skill set, and strengths are “fixed” i.e. you have them from birth, and that that’s just how it is. What’s better? Let your growth mindset do the talking. A growth mindset is when you start believing that you can cultivate strengths and skills through your efforts. When you get rid of negative self-talk, you give yourself the space to learn something new.

👉🏾 Questions to ask yourself: Do I say something is difficult because I’ve always told myself similar things are difficult, and how would I change this if I could start all over again?

#3. Remembering why you’re doing something.

Whatever you’re working on, it’s important to mentally “step out” of the current situation and connect with the initial reason you started doing it. This will remind you that your actions are directly linked to a personal or professional goal. Maybe you started working on a new skill such as playing guitar to fulfill a lifelong dream. Or, you are studying for exams so that you can get a degree that will open doors to an exciting career and financial independence. Or maybe you’re looking for a job that is a better fit for your skill set and career path than the last one you had.

👉🏾 Questions to ask yourself: Why is this challenge so important to me? What is at the core? What will I gain from solving it? What will this mean to my life in the long run?

#4. Anticipating obstacles.

When we are faced with an obstacle, we tend to stop what we’re doing and start reacting. It’s not fair! It’s impossible to fix this! But complaining won’t change a thing. What will make a difference is getting proactive. First, start anticipating that there will be obstacles you will encounter on your path. If you prepare yourself psychologically for them, they won’t feel so devastating when they actually do happen. Second, use the opportunity to learn something new, take a different approach to the problem, and try something different that can yield better results.

👉🏾 Questions to ask yourself: What are 3 things I can do when I am faced with an obstacle? Which solutions can I brainstorm so that I have them ready in case I need them?

#5. Not overthinking and deciding to take action.

By now you’ve prepared yourself for what you need to do to get out of your comfort zone. There comes a time, however, when we should stop thinking and move on to the next step. It’s time to take action. Think of this situation as an experiment where you’ll try something new. You’ll see what happens next. You’ll learn something about yourself and your true abilities. You’ll adapt to the situation.

👉🏾 Questions to ask yourself: What is the first step I can take to move forward? Do I need to study one topic to understand it better? Do I need to practice a skill in order to master it? Do I need to find a mentor who can provide guidance and offer advice?

📖✏️ Finding ways to leave your comfort zone is a popular topic and I frequently get questions about it. That’s why I created a workbook called Get Out of Your Comfort Zone. It’s a printable, 24-page e-book consisting of 5 chapters, each explaining one step to get you out of your comfort zone, followed by question prompts and a workbook section. Find out more about it here.

Why is it hard to give up a life of comfort?

It’s difficult to give up on a lifestyle, on things, on people, even places when we became used to them over the years.

Let’s face it, change is hard. And being in your comfort zone (whatever that is for you) just feels better and requires less effort.

Your comfort zone is the space — physical, mental, emotional — that is familiar to you. It can mean different things to different people. Eating foods with specific spices. Driving the same route to school or work every day. Beginning conversations with friends in the same manner. Staying in a job not because it helps you grow your skills, but because it affords you a certain lifestyle. Being in a relationship that no longer feels right but you don’t want to be single again. Watching TV from your couch for hours before going to bed. Helping yourself to another plate of food because there are leftovers.

It’s difficult to give up on these things because over time they have turned into daily habits we repeat over and over, without really asking ourselves why we do them or if they’re still good for us.

Or maybe we don’t think about what happens next. We just think about how good and comfortable it feels now.

What if we changed our approach? Come up with a different way to do something. Stop a negative habit. Challenge ourselves to do something we think is impossible to do. Give ourselves the time and space to grow.

By stepping outside that comfort zone, we could focus on different things such as:

Personal growth.

When you confront something challenging, it usually happens outside of what you’re used to. This forces you to come up with solutions to deal with it, and you’re more likely to learn things you wouldn’t have had to otherwise.

Flexibility.

Every time you are out of your own environment, you learn to adapt in order to survive. You realize that you’ll need to develop skills to communicate better, get answers to questions, and use what you have to make the most of it.

A sense of wonder.

Getting out of your comfort zone shows you the world is bigger than you thought: there is still much to discover, things to learn, people to meet, conversations to mull over, little things to make you wonder and question and keep your mind open.

Wisdom.

Exploring new territory means gaining life experience. Experience is necessary to learn. Learning should lead to knowledge. And prolonged seeking of knowledge should lead to wisdom. This takes time. It’s the best way to make time work for you.

Self-discovery.

How do you know who you can become if you keep yourself stuck in the life you already inhabit? Imagine you decide to do something different this year. What if this decision helps you discover hidden strengths or even talents you didn’t know you have? To find out the best and strongest parts of you, you need to put in the effort, experience some discomfort, and certainly experiment. Think of it as a treasure hunt, but within yourself. There’s some gold you will uncover — but you have to keep your eyes focused on the future.

📖✏️ Getting out of our comfort zone is a popular topic here on Quora, and I am frequently asked questions about it. That’s why I created a workbook called Get Out of Your Comfort Zone. It’s a printable e-book consisting of 5 chapters, each explaining one step to get you out of your comfort zone, followed by question prompts and a workbook section. Find out more about it here.

What is a daily habit that you stopped doing because it made you miserable?

Easy answer — staying up all night.

I would routinely do this during graduate school and for many years afterwards. Going to sleep at 3 or 4 a.m. was a normal thing for me. I thought that sleep was for other people. I considered it irrelevant, plus I believed that doing my best work could only happen late at night when everyone else was asleep and I could really “focus.”

To be precise, it didn’t make me feel miserable or bad during the night. But I really felt it the next day and not in small ways, either. I was feeling sluggish in the morning, had little energy throughout the day, couldn’t concentrate fully during classes, and of course — I drank coffee all the time. And that was during the week. On weekends, I’d try to make up for lost sleep by sleeping in, and that would cut into my time off and made me feel even more sluggish, not energized at all.

It was a vicious cycle. Of course, at some point when I started working full-time, I realized this could not continue. Around this time I I started doing research around sleep and morning routines because I was ready for a change. I read Hal Elrod’s book The Miracle Morning which made me rethink how I could start my day. In addition, I found some interesting data on the ideal amount of sleep based on age groups (from the Sleep Health Journal). I didn’t know, for example that our cognitive performance reaches a peak at 7 hours of sleep before it starts to decline (from the Journal Frontier in Human Neuroscience).

The research consistently revealed that sleep can help us learn, consolidate new memories, improve memory and recall, and give our brain sufficient time to get rid of waste. Conversely, the research emphasized that chronic sleep deprivation can reduce our cognitive abilities, negatively impact our concentration, slow down the learning process, and can even temporarily reduce IQ (according to the book Sleep Thieves by Stanley Coren).

It was so obvious that I had to rearrange my schedule so that I could function like a normal human being, but it wasn’t easy at first. To make the transition easier, I started making small changes. For example:

I set up a bedtime alarm.

Alarms are not only for mornings. You can set one for bedtime too! I created an alarm on my iPhone to go off 30 minutes before I need to sleep. What’s the benefit? It is a signal to the brain that I need to finish up any activities I’m in the middle of doing, whether it’s watching a show on Netflix or catching up with a friend over the phone. I don’t just create this habit for every working day — I keep the bedtime alarm for weekends so that my habit has a better chance to stick.

I changed my dinner habits.

If you tend to eat late almost every night (this was very normal for me), having a full stomach can cause disrupted sleep. Not only will you have to deal with a busy mind, but you may also feel sluggish due to eating heavier foods or eating a lot more than your body needs at this time of day. I usually have a larger meal for lunch and a snack around 6 p.m., instead of waiting for dinnertime on an empty stomach. I try to avoid fried food and caffeine, and instead prepare a lighter dinner with a big salad and protein such as grilled fish or chicken. I also try to schedule dinner at least a few hours before bedtime.

I started exercising regularly.

I know — an 8 or 10-hour workday can be exhausting. When I’m done, I just want to chill out, have dinner, and relax for a few hours. But going outside for some fresh air helps me unwind, and it can be for only 15-20 minutes. What’s the benefit? It’s good for your digestion, and it also allows your busy mind some time to pause from all the work you’ve been focusing on all day. Bonus points if you can squeeze in a small workout like cycling or running — the extra cardio makes a big difference.

I took melatonin and drank hot tea before bed.

Melatonin is a sleep hormone that your body produces naturally and that follows your circadian rhythm. The problem is that many people cannot produce enough melatonin to fall asleep. This is due to several reasons such as stress, smoking, and too much blue light exposure (the light that comes from your TV and phone screens, for example). That’s why melatonin is also sold as a supplement. What’s the benefit? It helps you fall asleep and have a better quality of sleep. Tea is also soothing and can be sleep-inducing, as long as it’s caffeine free. My favorite tea is loose-leaf lemon verbena tea or caffeine-free chai tea.

I started listening to bedtime stories again.

When we were little, our dad would tell us these elaborate adventure stories that came in installments each evening. They were about a group of friends who traveled across prairies and deserts exploring and meeting interesting people and animals. We were totally hooked and loved every one! Now as an adult, I miss not having a story to fall asleep to. I actually found that in the Headspace app there’s a section called Sleepcasts. Each sleepcast is a 45-minute story that begins with a simple breathing exercise, followed by a story that takes place in different settings, from an aquarium to a tropical getaway on an island market to a launderette that’s open at midnight. It’s really cool and I recommend it!

How can I learn to change a bad habit faster?

Starting today, change the way you talk to yourself regarding the bad habit you’re struggling with.

There is so much time that gets wasted with negative self-talk we indulge in on a daily basis. Often times we’re not even aware it’s negative; it’s just the way we think or say things to ourselves. On top of that, we’re not aware how often we repeat the negative thought patterns throughout the day. But all that negativity adds up, and in the case of trying to change a bad habit the entire process gets drawn out over weeks, months, sometimes years.

It doesn’t have to be that way. You can start making the adjustment right now.

Here’s a real-life example of how.

It’s likely that the bad habit you’re trying to change has been going on for years of your life, and most likely you’ve tried changing it many times. However, every time you tried making a change — maybe five days or two weeks later — you concluded it’s impossible.

Maybe you told yourself, “I can’t stop doing this!”

Instead of wasting valuable time on repeating the same negative self-talk, you can choose a different approach by saying, “Why don’t I TRY to stop it?”

Every time you ask this type of open-ended question, you are creating a small shift in your mindset. Actually, you’re switching from fixed to a growth mindset way of thinking. As Carol Dweck describes in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, your mindset does not need to stay fixed over the course of your life. A fixed mindsetmakes you believe that your personality, skills, and strengths are “fixed” i.e. you have them from birth and there’s nothing you can do to change them, for better or worse. If you’re the type of person who smokes, there’s no use trying to stop. Or, if you believe you’re a quitter who leaves one job after another or goes from one relationship to the next, there’s no point in changing your ways. That’s a defeatist way to lead your life! Believe it or not, you can cultivate a growth mindset in a number of ways: you can change your attitude and core beliefs about yourself, other people, even different angles for solving a problem.

Now back to the bad habit you’re trying to change. How does the mindset apply to this situation and what can you do?

Next time you hear that inner voice telling you I can’t, I’m not capable of stopping, I’m not strong enough — remind yourself that it’s your fixed mindset talking. Give yourself permission to react differently by taking these steps:

  • Give yourself some time to think if there’s something hiding behind your “I can’t!” Maybe it’s the fear of not being able to do something successfully, or not knowing how to stay away from things you know aren’t good for you, or feeling OK to stay in your comfort zone, or not having enough self-discipline to get out of it.
  • Ask yourself why you are feeling so much resistance. Be honest. What are the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing right now? Is there fear of any kind, a need to distract yourself because you’re avoiding something, or is there some other benefit you believe you’re getting by keeping the bad habit? Find out what it is so you can do something about it.
  • Think how a habit change can benefit you. You can win over the fear that’s been following you for a long time. You can lead a healthier life. You can reach a goal that matters to you by getting all obstacles out of the way. Not to mention how great you’ll feel once you put the bad habit behind you!
  • Ask the question, Why don’t I try to stop it? Then observe how your brain reacts to the question. What is the first thing that comes to mind? Do you immediately look for obstacles if you try something different, do the words give you courage to act differently, do you feel you have more freedom to contemplate what a positive outcome will bring you?
  • Consider how this change could impact your future. What would your life be like if you decided not to let fear limit you? How would you deal with other obstacles if you kept an open mind about this one? By adopting a growth mindset, you can cultivate strengths and skills through continued effort over time. This mindset can give you the strength to say no to bad habits, starting with this one — right now.

✏️📖 I created a workbook on this topic called Train Your Brain to Break Bad Habits. It includes 7 steps to change a habit you don’t want to keep in your life, and tips to replace it with a positive habit. There are also two templates for tracking your habit change: a weekly schedule and an obstacle journal. You can learn more about it here.

How can one get started with Stoicism?

My advice to you — find ways to apply it to your daily life.

Your experience of Stoicism doesn’t have to be just reading a philosophy book you get from the library. It can be less abstract and more realistic. In fact, it can become a way of life that can help you navigate more easily through all the surprises, challenges, and obstacles you may encounter as you go through adulthood.

So how do you get started?

Here are 3 ways to incorporate Stoicism into your daily life.

#1. Embrace discomfort.

Being stoic isn’t about staying in your comfort zone. That’s the place where you’re surrounded by familiar things, people, and experiences. If you are used to studying for 12 hours at your desk, you keep doing it even if it makes you dizzy and leaves you unmotivated. If you react the same way when you have a problem at work, you continue with the same problem-solving approach even though you know the results won’t be any different. Staying in your comfort zone is the opposite of growth. As soon as you step out of it, you give yourself a chance to experience something new. Yes, you’ll experience growing pains. Yes, you’ll feel discomfort. Yes, you may feel out of place, or not knowledgeable enough, or even silly. Those are all good things. The more you get used to discomfort, the more flexible you’ll be when problem-solving. You can:

  • Give yourself permission to feel. Being stoic isn’t about being in denial. You need to process your thoughts and feelings so they don’t overwhelm you. The best way to do this is by giving yourself the time to observe what you’re feeling. Are you scared? Frustrated? Feeling like you don’t belong? Dreading that you’ll fail? Acknowledge those feelings. Your awareness will benefit you.
  • Learn to rely on yourself by trying to solve a problem at work or school by yourself first. If you make mistakes, it’s good. Mistakes will eventually lead you to success. You’ll figure out what works and what doesn’t. And, you won’t be dependent on others to solve your problems.
  • Don’t be afraid to try a different way of overcoming an obstacle.Experiment a little. Try something new. Learn and repeat and get better at something.

#2. Learn to practice self-discipline.

This is probably the top habit to embrace if you want to practice stoicism. Why? Because putting off activities that make you feel great and give you pleasure does have its advantages. When you give yourself a healthy dose of self-discipline, you do something difficult first in order to reward yourself later. There’s even science to back this up: Stanford University’s Marshmallow Experiment shows how delayed gratification can increase your chances at succeeding in many areas of your life. You can:

  • Make the most of your mornings by building a habit of doing deep work. It will help you reduce the amount of procrastination you feel when you’re trying to prep for exams or meet deadlines for work projects. Use the first 4 hours of the day to read, write, problem-solve. Your brain will be able to focus more effectively.
  • Resist the usual routine of waking up and reaching for your phone to start scrolling. If you’re like most people, you probably like to check email, Twitter, funny Tik Tok videos, websites, blogs, or even games. One good way to resist this is to turn off all notifications so you don’t see them pop up every time there’s a new post somewhere.
  • Leave conversations, social media, and TV activities for the evening. Once you’re done with work for the day, of course you need to rest and have fun. Hold yourself accountable and don’t do things just for the pleasure of it unless you’ve completed your daily work goals.

#3. Don’t waste time on pointless activities.

The Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca devotes a section of his book On the Shortness of Life to this problem. Indulging in pointless activities was an issue for many people back then, too. Seneca describes gluttony, vanity, focusing on materialistic things, and trying to impress others. If you think about it, it’s not that different from our world today. There are ways to use your time more wisely. You can:

  • Reduce your exposure to social media. Find a way to measure how much time you spend on Twitter, for example, and when you usually do this. Make a plan to reduce the total time and to check updates only in the evening.
  • Don’t indulge in gossip and complaining when talking to friends. What would be the point, the end result of such an activity? You can’t change people’s behavior, and they won’t care about your opinion of them anyway. Find other topics that are more helpful and interesting. Use the time to learn something new from one another, tell a funny story, or share a positive experience.
  • Keep one specific goal top of mind. When you’re focused on a personal or professional goal, you’re less likely to distract yourself with activities that will take you away from it. A good habit to practice each morning is to ask yourself, What is the one thing I am committed to completing today? Your answer will help your brain focus better because it won’t have to constantly evaluate and make decisions. And the rest of the day you’ll know that this is your mission and you will do what it takes to accomplish it. Just like in the words of Seneca, “Nothing happens to the wise man against his expectation.”

📖 I created a workbook on this topic called 7 Ways to Practice Stoicism: Become more resilient, reduce fear and suffering, and lead a content life. It’s a 50-page printable book featuring 7 stoic habits to practice, followed by question prompts and a workbook section. You’ll also find supplemental materials: a list of recommended reading, a weekly plan template, and an obstacle journal template. You can learn more about it here.

What are the best ways to become mentally strong?

Your best bet is to be consistent with positive habits that will boost your mental strength.

The positive habits I’m talking about are not about eating healthy, working out regularly, and getting enough sleep, although those are important too. I’m talking about the way you think — about problems, obstacles, your abilities and skills — even the way you react to other people and how they interact with you.

I’ll give you examples of 5 positive habits you can practice every day that can improve your mental strength.

#1. Change the way you react to unexpected situations.

Encountering unexpected situations in life is a normal thing. This current situation with the COVID-19 pandemic, questions about getting vaccinated, the possibility of returning to work or school is definitely something out of the ordinary. But it’s not the first time you’ve encountered a turbulent time. In fact, more often than not, whatever you have on your regular daily schedule gets pushed back due to delays in traffic, people running late, forgetting to bring your wallet or lunch with you to work or school, and so on. Instead of responding with anger, helplessness, or frustration, it will benefit you to go with the flow.

How can you do it?

Step one is to be aware of the thoughts running through your mind as you’re reacting to the unexpected event. I can’t believe I forgot to do that! This is going to be a disaster! I’ll be late and totally miss my class! Step two is to tell yourself that whatever emotion you are feeling is only temporary. You can say, Of course I’m upset but this feeling will pass! And step 3 is to ask yourself, What can I do right now to make myself feel better?You can choose to take a few deep breaths, write a list of 1–3 things you can do to correct the situation, or go on a short walk to give yourself the space to calm down.

#2. Experience obstacles in a different way.

How often have you told yourself that if only it weren’t for a strict professor, slow bus driver or difficult family member, you would have managed to complete a school or work task on time? In those moments when you’re trying to rationalize the situation, you’re blaming the obstacles (in this instance, other people) for not letting you achieve a goal. To put it differently, you’re giving the external factors top priority and more importance than anything you can do. But what if obstacles were to serve a different purpose in your life? Instead of using them as an excuse to avoid or even to quit something, you can use them to your advantage.

How can you do it?

In his book Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual, retired US Navy SEAL Jocko Willink gives an unusual idea for dealing with obstacles. He says that when you reach an obstacle, instead of saying, Oh no! you should embrace it and say, GOOD! It’s a mindset switch that can yield positive results because (a) it affects how you react to a problematic situation, (b) gives you a greater feeling of control, and (c) allows your brain to be more flexible instead of rigid. If you’ve been getting bad grades in your college courses in the past year, GOOD! Now you’ll have more time to prepare and organize your study days more effectively. If you’ve been complaining that your desk is cluttered so you don’t have space to study, GOOD! Now you’ll find the time, maybe just 10 minutes, to tidy up.

#3. Be consistent in growing your mindset every day.

Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford, wrote a book called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success in which she makes an important distinction between two mindsets: fixed and growth mindset. A fixed mindset is when you think the world is “fixed” i.e. everything stays the same forever, people never change and cannot control their lives (that goes for you too). But if you develop a growth mindset, you start seeing yourself as a person who can get better at life skills if you work consistently on them over time. The benefit: instead of feeling powerless and weak, you feel more powerful about making changes in your life if those changes help you move forward.

How can you do it?

Shift your focus from “awfulizing” about a negative situation (failing an exam, getting a bad review for a project you submitted, gaining 10 pounds) to identifying something that is within your control and that you can work on every single day. If you wasted time while you should have been studying, organize your day better and remove distractions so you’re not tempted to multitask. If you want to be healthy and fit, prepare meals ahead of time so you’re not tempted to eat junk food. If you find yourself overwhelmed watching the news but can’t find the time to relax, turn off the TV, take that book that’s been sitting on your shelf for months and read the first chapter.

#4. Reduce your exposure to toxic people.

This one isn’t easy. Sometimes those closest to us can be extremely negative people, repeating how it’s impossible to do anything, complaining about their lot in life, blaming others for their failures, or focusing only on what’s preventing them from being happy — in their opinion. These people can be your friends, family members, even your partner or best friend. They may claim they know what’s best for you and they care about what happens to you, and that’s why their advice is to be careful, not try anything new (or learn new things) so as not to move forward. This is why it’s important to reduce the amount of time you spend with them.

How can you do it?

When you get unsolicited advice or are asked to spend time dealing with other people’s problems, remember that you have the power to live life the way you want to live it. Your decisions will primarily affect you and your future, so it’s important to have them work to your advantage instead of the advantage of others. Rather than allowing others to take over your time and then later resenting them for it, come up with an action plan. If someone whose behavior is toxic wants you to spend an evening listening to their problems or stories, say no and tell them you’re busy. If a friend or neighbor wants to gossip, don’t encourage them to continue and switch the topic. If you see your phone light up from incoming text messages when you’re supposed to be working, let the person know later that if they continue bothering you, you won’t respond at all.

#5. Practice your NO muscle.

If you often find yourself running out of time to do what you need or would like to have time for, that means you’re saying yes to too many things, and ultimately wasting time and energy on things or situations that are not that important in the long run. What are some real-life examples? Giving in to distractions of any kind such as spending hours on insignificant activities, pointless conversations, participating in drama caused by a partner or family member, answering every phone call, or indulging in passive forms of entertainment like watching TV or Netflix for hours. When you say no to distractions, you make a positive change that will impact each day and improve the quality of your overall life.

How can you do it?

Practicing your “no” muscle means saying no in a variety of situations. If there’s leftover cake in the fridge, don’t eat a double portion for the next three days just because you can and it’s there. If you’re in the middle of finishing up a project and a friend asks you out, don’t drop everything because you want to please them. If there’s someone in your life who constantly requires your attention, don’t put their needs ahead of your goals for the day. Know your priorities — and stay in tune with them. Be aware of what is relevant to you and why you’re working on something. If you think of it this way, you’re less likely to ignore the things that are beneficial to your personal and professional growth.

👉🏾📖 I created a workbook based on this answer called 5 Ways to Boost Mental Strength. It is a printable, 31-page book that includes tips, question prompts, a workbook section for writing down your answers, and a list of recommended reading on the topic of mental strength. To learn more, check out this page.

How important is consistency to success in life?

Supremely important.

And I’ll tell you why. Don’t believe other people who tell you stories of overnight successes. There is no such thing. Perhaps you may think of someone’s rise to fame as something that happened in an instant. But what you don’t see is the hard work that went into it. You were not there at the beginning when they could barely pay their bills and make ends meet, you didn’t talk to them when they were figuring out their goals, and you didn’t witness their grueling schedule as they worked to reach their milestones, again and again and again.

No, you don’t know the whole story. But what you can learn from successful people is this:

To make anything work, to reach an important goal, to eliminate a bad habit from your life, you have to make a commitment to yourself.

No matter what, I will be disciplined about this.

No matter what, I will take one small step every single day.

No matter what, I will keep my eyes straight ahead.

No matter what, I will remain focused on what is important to me.

No matter what, I will not quit.

How does this way of thinking about being consistent and self-disciplined impact your everyday life?

Here are several examples.

#1. Your focus becomes more intensified.

A consistent and self-disciplined lifestyle starts early in the morning. That’s the time when you set the tone to the next 12–16 hours of your life. You can choose to be reactive — wake up, get your phone and start scrolling through emails or Instagram, watch the news on TV, or respond to text messages that your friends start sending you during breakfast. If you’d like to create a different beginning to your day, train your brain to be focused as soon as you wake up.

How to do this?

Start your day with this question: “What is the one thing I am committed to completing today?” It trains your brain to focus on which goals are important to you right now, and it forces you to prioritize the goal you believe to be the most relevant in this moment. Write the question in big letters on a sheet of paper and hang it on your bedroom or bathroom wall. Read it out loud as you start your day, for example as you’re brushing your teeth. Come up with an answer on the spot and answer it out loud. Then follow up by focusing your energy throughout the day on your one thing.

#2. You make it a priority to do hard work early.

A self-disciplined life is not about being spontaneous in how you go about your day. There’s time for spontaneity, and then there’s time to do what you need to do. In other words, timing is everything. Being self-disciplined means you do your hard work first before you do anything for pleasure. It means you are aware of which times of day should be devoted to doing hard work, and which times can be allotted to entertainment and socializing.

How to do this?

Build a habit of doing your hard work early. Take full advantage of your circadian rhythm (your body’s biological clock), which is your natural rhythm that “knows” what are the optimal times for you to perform certain tasks. For most people, the early morning hours are optimal for doing deep work — work that requires a lot of concentration. Specifically, the brain’s peak performance is 2-4 hours after we wake up. So if you wake up at 6, then your peak times last until 10 a.m. Working early allows your brain to focus fully on the problem at hand and with fewer distractions.

#3. You postpone doing things that make you feel good.

If doing hard work early helps you focus better, the natural side effect of self-discipline is that you start postponing things that are more pleasurable. What’s the point of doing something difficult first? You’d be surprised how far-reaching this practice can be. In a study called the Marshmallow Experiment performed by Stanford University scientists, results showed that delayed gratification can increase your chance at succeeding in many areas of your life — your education, career, short and long term goals, even your personal life choices.

How to do this?

Start by observing things you’d like to indulge in whenever the opportunity presents itself — for example, buying a decadent dessert or box of candy at your grocery store. Then, resist the temptation to immediately choose to treat yourself by thinking of one reason why not to indulge: maybe you’re working on creating new fitness goals or building better eating habits. And follow up — take your attention away from the distractions and focus on your priorities for the day: finish your homework, go out for a run, or prepare dinner.

#4. You stop making excuses to distract yourself all the time.

It may feel easier to give in to the temptation to indulge in pleasant activities, procrastinate on daily priorities, and allow yourself to get distracted all the time. These activities may seem harmless to begin with, but distractions can easily make you slip from your work. One minute you’re just catching up with a friend on WhatsApp, and the next thing you know it’s two hours later and you haven’t even begun studying for your exam. When you turn off what distracts you, you have a better chance to actually get stuff done.

How to do this?

Distractions come from different sources, not just your electronic devices. Your goal is to dial down all distractions so they’re not in your way. Set your phone to Airplane mode when you need to focus on your work — try it for a 2-hour period. Let people around you (family members, friends, or roommates) know you won’t be available in the next few hours. Check email and social media apps at scheduled intervals 2–3 times a day. Don’t browse YouTube videos without a specific purpose; instead, close all tabs in your browser so it’s easier to focus.

#5. You think about the big picture of your life constantly.

As I mentioned earlier, self-discipline can become part of your mindset, so it’s important how you think about it. If you define self-discipline as an uncomfortable practice, it’s time to get another perspective so instead of deterring you, it can help you apply it to your daily life. For me, it’s never been about what I “should” do. It’s about what it can afford me. With daily practice, self-discipline trains my brain to prioritize the things I can control, allows me to let go of what I cannot, and frees me up to focus on goals regardless of how small or big they are.

How to do this?

Instead of living life day by day, start thinking about the big picture of your life. If being consistent and self-disciplined in your habits feels like you’re sacrificing something right now (time chatting with friends or indulging in a delicious dessert), think about what it will afford you 6 months, one year, even 5 or 10 years from now. Write down a list of new habits you’d like to practice that can add up to bigger results. Create time in your calendar to devote to these new habits so you can make progress — even a 30-minute session is sufficient. When you understand the benefits of this lifestyle, you’ll invest in it more, not just today or tomorrow or later this month — but every day.

📖 I’ve been working on a growth mindset series of workbooks this year, and one of the workbooks is called Develop a Self Disciplined Lifestyle. It is a printable book divided into 5 chapters with tips, question prompts, a workbook section, a list of recommended reading, and a weekly gratitude journal template. For more information, check out this page.

New e-book on breaking bad habits is out!

In the past few months I received quite a few questions and requests for tips to break a bad habit. Frankly, as you know, this is no small feat. Often we are stuck in a negative loop where we repeat a certain behavior for weeks, months, even years. The next thing we know, the behavior has turned into a habit which we don’t want to keep. The question is — how do we get unstuck and make a change in a positive direction?

That’s where I think a change in our mindset can benefit us. Like with every habit and every single behavior we repeat over time, the mindset is the driver behind it all. In this case too: our brain is already on autopilot telling us what to do, often without making a distinction whether that thing is good or bad for us. If we want to change a bad habit, we need to change our mindset about it.

This is why I created a workbook on this topic called Train Your Brain to Break Bad Habits. It’s a 57-page printable book with 7 steps and tools to change a habit you don’t want to keep in your life any more. Each chapter includes an introduction, question prompts, and a workbook section. You’ll also find two templates for tracking your habit change: a weekly schedule and an obstacle journal.

The workbook is available in 3 formats: PDF, MS Word, and Pages.

You can learn more about it here.