What is the perfect philosophy to live life?

I can’t imagine a single philosophy to be perfect, but I do believe there’s one philosophy that has many practical applications in our modern 21st century life, and that is Stoicism.

The original Stoics — Seneca, Zeno, Marcus Aurelius, Musonius Rufus, and Epictetus to name a few — didn’t think of themselves as perfect human beings who preach a perfect way to live. I don’t believe that was on their list of life goals. But they were focused on values and finding ways to live a life of virtue, a more meaningful life, a life that is inward and not outward-focused. And to stay on the path of a virtuous life, they built habits they practiced their whole lives.

This is where the practical aspect of a philosophy comes in. We can apply Stoicism — or any philosophy — by building habits to reinforce it, to adopt a certain belief and value system, to practice critical thinking skills, to adapt our behavior with self-discipline, and in the process learn more about ourselves.

Daily habits for practicing Stoicism can include a number of things. For example:

Learning to accept discomfort.

Being stoic doesn’t mean surrounding yourself with material things or other people so you feel comfortable all the time and expect this state of comfort will make you happy. Instead, it means taking life in stride and making peace with discomfort. Why is this important? Because having something today can mean you take it for granted and expect it to last forever. But what if it doesn’t last? If you learn how to rely on yourself, then when tough times come around you’re better prepared to deal with them. How do you learn to rely on yourself? Try to solve problems by yourself first even if that means making mistakes, before you give up or turn to someone else to help you fix the situation.

Managing obstacles more easily.

When we reach an obstacle, we tend to react by complaining. It’s not fair! This is impossible to fix! It’s not my fault! But complaining won’t change a thing. What will make a difference is getting proactive. First, learn to anticipate obstacles. If you prepare yourself psychologically for them, they won’t feel as big or important to you when they happen. Second, use the opportunity to pause, learn something new, think it through, and try a different solution that can yield better results. And third, take advantage of this time to achieve mastery in one area to become an expert at it. By eliminating the obstacle, you’re in a position to move forward faster, better, and in line with stoic principles.

Maximizing your unique strengths.

The Stoics didn’t believe in having to change themselves completely in order to lead a high quality of life. They believed they should take advantage of their unique strengths and abilities. You can practice this in two ways. First, take an honest look at yourself — what you are doing right now and where you are going with your life. Are you overestimating your abilities or are you being objective and realistic about what you can do and how you can reach your goals? Second, think of ways in which you can take advantage of what you have going for you — your personality, the things you’re good at, the skills you possess and take pride in. Then focus on doing exactly that and on developing your strengths, instead of worrying about potential weaknesses or things you don’t already possess.

Calming your mind.

It’s not uncommon to have thousands of thoughts bouncing around in our mind, many of which aren’t exactly sunny and happy ones. Those thoughts can also be negative, self-critical, dismissive. They can focus on past failures, embarrassing mistakes, and tap into our insecurities. The good news is this: even though you may think so, you are not your thoughts. You are much bigger than your thoughts! And there are ways to effectively manage random thoughts and not let them rule your life, your day, and every waking hour. A short, 1-minute meditation to calm your thoughts might be a good idea — try the Headspace or Calm apps to get you in the habit. Or, practice the 4–7–8 breathing exercise to help reduce stress and help you think more clearly.

Practicing self-discipline.

This is probably the top habit to embrace if you want to practice stoicism. Why? Because putting off activities that make you feel great does have its advantages. When you give yourself a good dose of self-discipline, you do something difficult first in order to reward yourself later. There’s even science to back this up. Stanford University’s Marshmallow experiment shows how delayed gratification can increase your chances at succeeding in many areas of your life. You can practice this too. For example, if you want to watch a movie or catch up with a phone call to friends, leave it for after you have completed what you planned to work on during the day.

📖 I’ve been a big advocate of stoic habits for quite a while, so I created a workbook called 7 Ways to Practice Stoicism: Become more resilient, reduce fear and suffering, and lead a content life. It includes question prompts, a workbook section, a list of recommended reading, a weekly plan template, and an obstacle journal template. You can learn more about it here.

E-workbook #3 is now available!

I just completed a third growth mindset workbook which is part of a new series of workbooks I’ll be publishing in 2021. This workbook is called 5 Ways to Boost Mental Strength. It is a printable, 31-page workbook divided into 5 chapters. Each chapter includes an explanation of one tip, followed by question prompts and a workbook section for writing down your answers. At the end of the workbook you’ll also find a list of recommended reading on the topic of mental strength.

The workbook is available is three formats: PDF, MS Word, and Pages.  

Check out this page to learn more.

How do I become better at controlling emotions?

Excellent question, and an important one.

Having emotions is part of being human, but the interesting thing is that we humans often have a hard time with our emotions. We struggle to understand them, we don’t know where they come from, we are conflicted about them, we find it hard to cope with them, let alone change them. It’s not uncommon that we let our emotions take over our daily lives, which can make us feel like we cannot control them and instead, they control us. Emotions can affect our behavior, mood, cognitive performance, even relationships with others.

In an ideal world you would be the one in charge. You would control your emotions so they don’t wash over you, tell you what to do, and even negatively influence your relationships with people you care about. What are some ways to make that happen?

Here are 5 techniques you may find useful. They are listed in chronological order.

Technique #1. STOP and acknowledge the emotion.

It can be as simple as pausing in the middle of a situation and saying, I notice I am feeling _______. You can use a specific word (angry, sad, frustrated, confused, upset) or a group of words (I am feeling both angry and resentful). Don’t worry about categorizing the emotion as a positive or negative one. The important thing is to have an awareness that an emotion has shown up.

Technique #2. SIT with it.

This may feel weird and that’s OK. Sitting with an emotion simply means not avoiding it just because it makes you uncomfortable. In fact, it’s better for you to give it some space and let yourself feel it. Often times we rush from one thing to the next, one task to the next, or one conversation to the next without processing our thoughts or emotions. And whenever that happens, we brush our emotions aside without really taking a good look at what we are feeling. If you want to get better at controlling your emotions, you have to take a look at them up close. It can take a few seconds or a few minutes, just be sure to give yourself that time.

Technique #3. THINK through your emotional loop.

Try to remember a few situations in the recent past when you got very emotional about something, and ask yourself the following questions.

• What caused me to get that upset? Was it an event in my immediate environment, something a friend said to me, an unexpected turn of events in the news, someone’s extreme behavior, or a comment I heard at work or school? These questions are helpful because if you notice a pattern, it will help you identify the triggers.
• What typically happens when I overreact this way? Do I speak more loudly, cry, talk or yell, gesture emphatically, start an argument or get really quiet? How does overreacting make me feel? What happens immediately afterwards? It’s important to think through the steps so you can better understand not just your reaction but also how it affects other people and the way they behave towards you.
• What would I like to change about my behavior? If you don’t like something about it, you have the power to change it. If you are internalizing something bad you heard on the news, is there a way to reduce your exposure to reading everything you see online? If you are upsetting people around you, is there a different way to share your thoughts and feelings with others by initiating a dialogue instead of an argument? Consider different options that can make a more positive impact.

Technique #4. ZOOM OUT to see the big picture.

Sometimes we react too quickly out of fear. In some cases, it can be an instinctive reaction — if we sense we are in danger, we run. In other cases we may misinterpret an event as something that will cause us immediate harm, when realistically speaking it does not pose an objective threat. It’s important to understand the big picture — is the danger we feel real or not? Ask yourself the following questions.

• Is my reaction to an event “mirroring” (imitating) other people’s reaction because they also find it scary and upsetting? For example, if you’re in a group of friends watching news footage from a war-torn region and you hear about numerous casualties, it’s human for viewers to get upset, cry, or have a heated discussion about what they just saw. You shouldn’t feel bad about getting emotional in this instance.
• Do I often find myself getting upset or easily drawn into arguments with others? This could be for several reasons. Maybe it’s a cultural or family thing and the way you were raised, where you were taught to express your emotions and thoughts openly and verbally. Or, it could be because there’s someone close to you who is deliberately provoking you or you perceive their behavior as provocative. Although you might not feel OK reacting this way, it’s good to understand where the learned behavior is coming from. Next time it happens, take a deep breath and try not to say or do anything. Observe how the other person reacts. If that doesn’t help, read technique #5.

Technique #5. DISENGAGE.

If you find yourself frequently in situations where you argue with others or get upset to the point that you can’t continue your work or concentrate on anything else, it may be time to literally remove yourself from the situation that is upsetting you. Try the following steps.

• When a situation escalates, step away. Remove yourself from the room, say out loud that you need to leave for a bit, and don’t add anything else to the conversation. Then walk out. The benefit to this behavior is that by leaving, you ensure that you won’t add any more emotion to the situation. Sometimes adding more words to the mix (even if they’re said with good intentions) doesn’t help.
• Go for a walk or do another type of physical activity. For example, ride your bike, go for a run, or do a set of 20 pushups. Give your body something else to do that is completely different from the situation you just left, which will give your mind a chance to disengage. Another benefit is that you’ll get a positive rush from endorphins during exercise.
• Acknowledge that you reacted differently this time. This is a positive change — you didn’t fall into the same emotional loop. What you’re doing right now is working on breaking a bad habit, and every time you react differently you’re rewiring your brain and creating new opportunities to create better habits. Take a few minutes to see how this change feels. Allow yourself to feel gratitude about working to conquer something that is challenging to you. And stay consistent — make a deliberate effort to adjust your behavior daily whenever the opportunity presents itself.

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📖📖📖 If you are interested in the topic of managing your emotional loops, there is one book I recommend: Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life by Susan David, PhD. In this book Dr. David introduces the concept of emotional agility. Emotional agility means that we can be flexible with our thoughts and feelings (the equivalent of having a growth mindset), instead of being rigid and holding on to beliefs from our past (the equivalent of having a fixed mindset). She explains four key concepts of emotional agility:

• Showing up (facing your thoughts and feelings)
• Stepping out (detaching from thoughts and feelings)
• Walking your why (focusing on your core values)
• Moving on (getting proactive in changing your habits and mindset)

How can I become less emotional in life, and why?

To be fair, being emotional is not a bad thing. In fact, it is quite positive to be in tune with your emotions, give yourself the space to acknowledge and feel them, and understand their value in your development as an adult. But if you often find yourself being emotional about every single thing you encounter during your day, and if those emotions are what drives you to make decisions in the moment that will likely not be the best choice for you (your physical or mental health) or your future — then yes, it can be beneficial to keep those emotions in check.

Instead of letting emotions take over, it will be more helpful to develop skills that will help you make better and smarter decisions. You’ll learn to use logic (not panic) when you’re trying to overcome an obstacle. You’ll use critical thinking (instead of mimicking what other people do) to understand a problem. You’ll learn to work with feelings of discomfort (instead of saying, I can’t do it!) and allow yourself to go outside your comfort zone. As a result, your brain will be better equipped to deal with the changes in your life.

Here are three skills that can be helpful.

Skill #1. Go with the flow.

Let’s take the COVID-19 pandemic as an example. Yes, it’s made a huge change in our lives in the past year, but this is not the first time we’ve come across an obstacle. More often than not, our week takes a different turn from what we imagine it should be. In the past, you’d feel rushed to prep an exam because you didn’t study on time, or a work-related project had a new deadline and you had to work more hours to get everything done. These days, it’s the opposite — you may be working from home, feeling more isolated than before or perhaps having to deal with noisy or disruptive family members or roommates. Be careful not to let emotions take over, whether they’re feelings of anger, sadness, helplessness, or frustration. It may actually benefit you to go with the flow and take each day as it comes.

How can you do it?

• Be aware of the thoughts running through your mind as you’re reacting to the unexpected event. The thoughts might sound something like this. It’s the end of the world! I’ll never hang out with my friends again! We can’t even travel safely any more!
• Tell yourself that the emotion you are feeling is temporary. You can say, No wonder I’m upset, but I have to admit everyone else is going through the same thing. It’s normal to have an emotional reaction right now but it will pass!
• Ask yourself, What can I do right now to make myself feel better? You can get off Twitter, turn off the TV for one hour, take a few deep breaths, do a crossword puzzle, read a novel, write in your journal, make a batch of cookies, or take a nap.

Skill #2. Start looking at obstacles differently.

While you’ve been stuck at home during quarantine, have you found yourself awfulizing with thoughts like, If this wasn’t happening, I’d be going on a road trip with my friends or, If only I weren’t at home all the time I’d still be on my diet but now I can’t do it? In those moments when you’re trying to rationalize your decisions, you’re blaming the obstacles (in this instance, the pandemic) for not allowing you to achieve a goal. You’re giving external factors top priority and more importance than anything you can do. What if obstacles were to serve a different purpose in your life? Instead of using them as an excuse to avoid or quit something, what if you could use them to your advantage?

How can you do it?

Retired US Navy SEAL Jocko Willink has a power tip for dealing with obstacles, which he wrote about in his book Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual. When you reach an obstacle, instead of saying, Oh no! you should embrace it and say, GOOD! Why talk about an obstacle in a positive light? It’s a mindset shift that can yield big results because it gives you a feeling of control and allows your brain to be more flexible instead of rigid.

• If you’ve been getting bad grades in college courses in the past year, GOOD!Now you’ll dedicate more time to prepare and organize your study days more effectively.
• If your apartment is a mess because you’re too busy with work, GOOD! Now you’ll have to schedule in the time to tidy up, even if it’s 10 minutes each day.
• If you feel bad about not reaching out to friends as much as before, GOOD!You can get creative: send a text message, a voice clip, or short and funny video to let them know you’re thinking about them.

Skill #3. Practice a growth mindset.

Stanford professor of psychology Carol Dweck wrote a book called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success in which she makes an important distinction between two mindsets: fixed and growth mindset. A fixed mindset is when you think the world is “fixed” i.e. everything stays the same forever, people never change, and they are incapable of being in control of their lives. You’re lucky if you have good genes, a particular talent or gift; conversely, if your IQ isn’t stellar, too bad because you can’t do anything to improve your intellect. Translated into the current situation, having a fixed mindset means we see the world as completely out of our control. That way of thinking can make us feel powerless. Here’s where practicing a growth mindset can prove helpful.

How can you do it?

Shift your focus from awfulizing about things — the pandemic, the bad economy, the horrible weather, the unbearable news — and find something that is within your control and that you can work on every single day. Instead of scrolling through Twitter for hours getting anxious from the news, identify one area of your life you can improve that has a positive side effect of making you feel better about yourself. When you are proactive, you’re building emotional resilience and taking control of your life.

• Find the time to finish up a home project you’ve been putting off for months, whether it’s painting the walls in your bedroom, cleaning out the bedroom closet, or organizing your spice collection.
• Schedule a simple workout for 15–20 minutes each morning to create a routine that will give you a boost of endorphins and a healthy dose of vitamin D from the sunlight. Try a yoga routine or go for a quick walk through the neighborhood.
• Call a friend over the phone to ask them about their day. They may only want a sympathetic ear or they’ll seek advice for solving a problem. Either way, don’t multitask as you’re talking — really listen and figure out what’s the best way to be their friend right now.