Why do some people succeed in difficult situations while others give up?

Because for most people it’s much easier to quit than keep going.

To be fair, quitting can mean different things to different people. It can mean giving up on a goal, letting go of an idea or habit or dream, making a decision that an outcome isn’t really worth it (and this can be for many different reasons), being tired of constant small failures that repeat over time, being exhausted to the point of having literally no energy to move forward, being distracted by something else that seems more interesting and worth our time, or wishing to go back to a comfort zone of doing something familiar to us that we are good at, instead of pushing ourselves to do something new.

I am reading a book by David Goggins called Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds. Goggins is a triathlete, ultramarathon runner, and retired U.S. Navy SEAL who served in the Iraq War. In his book he describes participating in three and surviving two Hell Weeks to qualify for SEAL training. Hell Week lasts from Sunday evening to Friday morning and the training is brutal. Students train on less than four hours of sleep, run 200+ miles, swim, perform physical training with logs, and go through numerous obstacle courses that test their physical endurance. On the Navy SEAL’s website it is described this way:

Hell Week consists of 5 1/2 days of cold, wet, brutally difficult operational training on fewer than four hours of sleep. Hell Week tests physical endurance, mental toughness, pain and cold tolerance, teamwork, attitude, and your ability to perform work under high physical and mental stress, and sleep deprivation. Above all, it tests determination and desire. On average, only 25% of SEAL candidates make it through Hell Week, the toughest training in the U.S. Military. It is often the greatest achievement of their lives, and with it comes the realization that they can do 20X more than they ever thought possible. It is a defining moment that they reach back to when in combat. They know that they will never, ever quit, or let a teammate down.

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Why does only a quarter of SEAL candidates succeed?

There’s a common thread that links them all.

First, they practice a growth mindset by asking themselves — What am I capable of?

Second, they aren’t afraid of a challenge — in fact, they welcome it.

Third, they’re extremely self-disciplined — they repeat the same behaviors day after day.

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How can a person who’s not in the military achieve the same level of focus?

#1. Own your day, every day.

Making a decision isn’t about mumbling a few words to yourself, it’s not abstract, and it’s not vague. In fact, it’s more about training your brain to get focused on what it needs to do as soon as you wake up. Here’s how I practice it. I start my day with this question: “What is the one thing I am committed to completing today?” This technique gets my brain to start evaluating the goals that are important to me right now and forces me to prioritize one goal that needs attention immediately. In addition, I give myself the time to think about what’s important in my life, instead of letting other people or situations dictate what I should or shouldn’t be doing.

How can you do this?

Put it in writing. Write it in big letters on a sheet of paper and hang it on your bedroom or bathroom wall. Read it out loud as you start your day, for example as you’re brushing your teeth or getting dressed. Come up with an answer on the spot and answer it out loud. Then follow up by taking action: focus your energy throughout the day to completing your one thing.

#2. Make the most of your willpower reserves.

It’s common to wake up feeling overwhelmed because there are so many things you need to do, from small routine tasks to working on large projects, both professional and personal. Your first response might be to delay doing anything because it’s hard to decide what to do and in what order, which translates into a bad habit of procrastinating. This tactic can backfire. Because you (and I and everyone else) have a finite amount of willpower that takes you through the day. That willpower gets weaker and weaker as the day progresses. So if you think you’ll do your homework after dinner, think again. Chances are you’ll choose to watch TV instead.

How can you do this?

If you want to focus on priorities, work on them early. As early in the day as possible — in fact, I start right after my breakfast. Do that task that you’ve been putting off all week before lunchtime. Write up a plan for the school or work week ahead of time. Finish up homework or that exam review you’ve been procrastinating on for days. The benefit? You gain a sense of accomplishment early that will make you feel better about the whole day.

#3. Pick one positive habit to practice and keep it simple.

Is there something in your life you’d like to change because you don’t like what you’re currently doing? Maybe you want to start running in the mornings like you used to in college, stop eating junk food, or get more sleep instead of watching Netflix until 2 a.m. All those new habits you want to acquire will need self-discipline, time, and repetition. If this sounds unappealing, it’s because you make it sound that way: you feel like you have to be doing something difficult when you’d rather be relaxing.

How can you do this?

First, stop telling yourself that keeping a life-changing habit is a way to punish yourself. That’s the wrong attitude. Instead, think of a new habit as a choice that you make in order to become a better version of yourself. Next, make the change as easy as possible by starting with tiny steps. Instead of saying I have to work out for one hour each evening after work, I do a mini-workout at home for 20 minutes. Or, I go to bed 15 minutes earlier and read so I can fall asleep faster.

#4. Learn to calm your thoughts.

I don’t know about you, but my thoughts start going a 100 miles a minute the second I wake up and open my eyes. There’s so much to think about, from organizing my day to making the most of each morning, then there’s work to complete, smaller and bigger projects, scheduling time to take breaks, making healthy meals, finding time for personal life, and going outside for fresh air. What’s relevant to complete in a single day? What can wait? What gets prioritized and what gets dismissed? Which problem do I need to solve? Is this something I can control or can I let it go? There needs to be an order for all these busy thoughts to follow.

How can you do this?

First, it’s important to be aware that if you feel overwhelmed, have negative or self-critical thoughts, or find yourself ruminating on past events and personal failures, you are not alone. Consider this for a second — you are not your thoughts; you’re much bigger than your thoughts! Second, start considering a few habits to reign in those thoughts and categorize them as either relevant or just dramatic. You can start with a 10-minute meditation, practice the 4–7–8 breathing exercise, or go for a walk at a nearby park or somewhere close to nature.

#5. Minimize distractions and obstacles.

Distractions and obstacles aren’t just a phenomenon of the 21st century — even the Stoic philosopher Seneca wrote about them at length. In his book On the Shortness of Life he describes people’s struggles with focusing on materialistic things, vanity, gluttony, and trying to impress others to the detriment of their own daily work and habits. It all sounds eerily familiar. OK, so maybe in today’s society we don’t host lavish banquets to impress guests with an endless feast of food and wine, but we do pay attention to social media which can lead to lack of focus, feelings of dissatisfaction, even self-criticism. Those are areas where we can improve.

How can you do this?

If you spend hours on social media apps each day, be aware that what you see doesn’t always depict reality. Often, the lifestyle you see in photos is merely a marketing tactic used to sell a product, service, or brand. Don’t waste time on distractions if they don’t in some way add value to your life. Set your phone to Airplane mode when you need to focus. Check email and news in the afternoon or evening. Close all tabs in your browser so you can get work done.

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📖 If you’d like a resource to keep you on track with self-discipline, I created a workbook called Develop a Self Disciplined Lifestyle. It is a printable, 35-page book divided into 5 chapters with tips, question prompts, and a workbook section. You’ll also find supplemental material: a list of recommended reading and a weekly gratitude journal template. Learn more about it here.

What are the best ways to become mentally strong?

Your best bet is to be consistent with positive habits that will boost your mental strength.

The positive habits I’m talking about are not about eating healthy, working out regularly, and getting enough sleep, although those are important too. I’m talking about the way you think — about problems, obstacles, your abilities and skills — even the way you react to other people and how they interact with you.

I’ll give you examples of 5 positive habits you can practice every day that can improve your mental strength.

#1. Change the way you react to unexpected situations.

Encountering unexpected situations in life is a normal thing. This current situation with the COVID-19 pandemic, questions about getting vaccinated, the possibility of returning to work or school is definitely something out of the ordinary. But it’s not the first time you’ve encountered a turbulent time. In fact, more often than not, whatever you have on your regular daily schedule gets pushed back due to delays in traffic, people running late, forgetting to bring your wallet or lunch with you to work or school, and so on. Instead of responding with anger, helplessness, or frustration, it will benefit you to go with the flow.

How can you do it?

Step one is to be aware of the thoughts running through your mind as you’re reacting to the unexpected event. I can’t believe I forgot to do that! This is going to be a disaster! I’ll be late and totally miss my class! Step two is to tell yourself that whatever emotion you are feeling is only temporary. You can say, Of course I’m upset but this feeling will pass! And step 3 is to ask yourself, What can I do right now to make myself feel better?You can choose to take a few deep breaths, write a list of 1–3 things you can do to correct the situation, or go on a short walk to give yourself the space to calm down.

#2. Experience obstacles in a different way.

How often have you told yourself that if only it weren’t for a strict professor, slow bus driver or difficult family member, you would have managed to complete a school or work task on time? In those moments when you’re trying to rationalize the situation, you’re blaming the obstacles (in this instance, other people) for not letting you achieve a goal. To put it differently, you’re giving the external factors top priority and more importance than anything you can do. But what if obstacles were to serve a different purpose in your life? Instead of using them as an excuse to avoid or even to quit something, you can use them to your advantage.

How can you do it?

In his book Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual, retired US Navy SEAL Jocko Willink gives an unusual idea for dealing with obstacles. He says that when you reach an obstacle, instead of saying, Oh no! you should embrace it and say, GOOD! It’s a mindset switch that can yield positive results because (a) it affects how you react to a problematic situation, (b) gives you a greater feeling of control, and (c) allows your brain to be more flexible instead of rigid. If you’ve been getting bad grades in your college courses in the past year, GOOD! Now you’ll have more time to prepare and organize your study days more effectively. If you’ve been complaining that your desk is cluttered so you don’t have space to study, GOOD! Now you’ll find the time, maybe just 10 minutes, to tidy up.

#3. Be consistent in growing your mindset every day.

Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford, wrote a book called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success in which she makes an important distinction between two mindsets: fixed and growth mindset. A fixed mindset is when you think the world is “fixed” i.e. everything stays the same forever, people never change and cannot control their lives (that goes for you too). But if you develop a growth mindset, you start seeing yourself as a person who can get better at life skills if you work consistently on them over time. The benefit: instead of feeling powerless and weak, you feel more powerful about making changes in your life if those changes help you move forward.

How can you do it?

Shift your focus from “awfulizing” about a negative situation (failing an exam, getting a bad review for a project you submitted, gaining 10 pounds) to identifying something that is within your control and that you can work on every single day. If you wasted time while you should have been studying, organize your day better and remove distractions so you’re not tempted to multitask. If you want to be healthy and fit, prepare meals ahead of time so you’re not tempted to eat junk food. If you find yourself overwhelmed watching the news but can’t find the time to relax, turn off the TV, take that book that’s been sitting on your shelf for months and read the first chapter.

#4. Reduce your exposure to toxic people.

This one isn’t easy. Sometimes those closest to us can be extremely negative people, repeating how it’s impossible to do anything, complaining about their lot in life, blaming others for their failures, or focusing only on what’s preventing them from being happy — in their opinion. These people can be your friends, family members, even your partner or best friend. They may claim they know what’s best for you and they care about what happens to you, and that’s why their advice is to be careful, not try anything new (or learn new things) so as not to move forward. This is why it’s important to reduce the amount of time you spend with them.

How can you do it?

When you get unsolicited advice or are asked to spend time dealing with other people’s problems, remember that you have the power to live life the way you want to live it. Your decisions will primarily affect you and your future, so it’s important to have them work to your advantage instead of the advantage of others. Rather than allowing others to take over your time and then later resenting them for it, come up with an action plan. If someone whose behavior is toxic wants you to spend an evening listening to their problems or stories, say no and tell them you’re busy. If a friend or neighbor wants to gossip, don’t encourage them to continue and switch the topic. If you see your phone light up from incoming text messages when you’re supposed to be working, let the person know later that if they continue bothering you, you won’t respond at all.

#5. Practice your NO muscle.

If you often find yourself running out of time to do what you need or would like to have time for, that means you’re saying yes to too many things, and ultimately wasting time and energy on things or situations that are not that important in the long run. What are some real-life examples? Giving in to distractions of any kind such as spending hours on insignificant activities, pointless conversations, participating in drama caused by a partner or family member, answering every phone call, or indulging in passive forms of entertainment like watching TV or Netflix for hours. When you say no to distractions, you make a positive change that will impact each day and improve the quality of your overall life.

How can you do it?

Practicing your “no” muscle means saying no in a variety of situations. If there’s leftover cake in the fridge, don’t eat a double portion for the next three days just because you can and it’s there. If you’re in the middle of finishing up a project and a friend asks you out, don’t drop everything because you want to please them. If there’s someone in your life who constantly requires your attention, don’t put their needs ahead of your goals for the day. Know your priorities — and stay in tune with them. Be aware of what is relevant to you and why you’re working on something. If you think of it this way, you’re less likely to ignore the things that are beneficial to your personal and professional growth.

👉🏾📖 I created a workbook based on this answer called 5 Ways to Boost Mental Strength. It is a printable, 31-page book that includes tips, question prompts, a workbook section for writing down your answers, and a list of recommended reading on the topic of mental strength. To learn more, check out this page.

E-workbook #3 is now available!

I just completed a third growth mindset workbook which is part of a new series of workbooks I’ll be publishing in 2021. This workbook is called 5 Ways to Boost Mental Strength. It is a printable, 31-page workbook divided into 5 chapters. Each chapter includes an explanation of one tip, followed by question prompts and a workbook section for writing down your answers. At the end of the workbook you’ll also find a list of recommended reading on the topic of mental strength.

The workbook is available is three formats: PDF, MS Word, and Pages.  

Check out this page to learn more.

What exercises and routines can one perform to increase mental strength?

Great question!

Building mental strength is no small task. It’s not something you get to check off a list at the end of the day. It takes time. It requires that you put yourself out there in the elements where you cannot protect yourself, can’t complain about everything that’s happening to you, can’t run back to your comfort zone.

It takes guts.

But — what you get from dedicating yourself to it is priceless. Mental strength will help you deal with life, with other people, with challenging situations at work or in your personal life. That’s why the sooner you start working on it, the faster you’ll notice the results.

Here are five ways to increase mental strength.

#1. Train yourself to nurture a growth mindset.

Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford, wrote a book called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. This book completely changed the way I see myself, what I am capable of overcoming, and how I view other people and their abilities. Dweck makes an important distinction between two mindsets: fixed and growth mindset. If you’ve adopted a fixed mindset, you think being successful and mentally strong is due to good genes, a particular talent or gift, or something you are born with (or not lucky to be born with). Succeeding means being “perfect” every time, achieving results easily and effortlessly without ever experiencing any type of setback. Excellent way to set yourself up for disappointment with this way of thinking! If your focus is on being mentally strong, it’s wiser to expect a challenge and prepare for it, and that’s where having a growth mindset can prove helpful.

How can you do it?

Shift your focus from the end result (making straight A’s in school or getting a promotion at work) to the actual process of becoming successful. A growth mindset person doesn’t think that success is being the best — they believe success is doing their best. Start by moving away from your comfort zone (doing everything the same way over and over, using the same tools and processes), and towards a zone that’s uncomfortable and new. For example, come up with a better way to improve your work. Break down a large task in smaller increments. Tackle a difficult problem early in the morning when your mind is likely to concentrate better. Wake up a bit earlier each morning to practice a new fitness habit such as going for a run or swim.

#2. Use every obstacle you encounter to your advantage.

How often have you told yourself, If only I didn’t run out of time I could’ve finished that research paper? Or, If only I wasn’t invited to my friend’s house I wouldn’t have eaten so much food and forgotten all about my diet? In those moments when you’re trying to rationalize your decisions and actions, you’re blaming the obstacles for not achieving your short or long-term goals. To put it differently, you’re giving them top priority and more importance than anything you can do or change with your behavior. But what if obstacles were to serve a different purpose in your life? Instead of using them as an excuse to avoid something or even to quit something, it’s more beneficial to use them to your advantage.

How can you do it?

In his book Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual, retired US Navy SEAL Jocko Willink has a power tip for dealing with obstacles. He says that when you reach an obstacle, instead of saying, Oh no! you should embrace it and say, GOOD! Why talk about an obstacle in a positive light? It’s a subtle switch of your mindset that yields big results because it affects how you react to a problematic situation. If you’ve failed at an exam, GOOD! Now you’ll have more time to prepare and organize your study days more effectively. If you’re trying to multitask and fail, GOOD! Now you’ll have time to take a break and prioritize what is most important so you can focus on that first. If you didn’t get the job offer you expected, GOOD! Now you’ll be able to make over your resume and apply for jobs that are a better fit for your skill set.

#3. Don’t resist the unexpected; go with the flow.

It’s a normal thing to encounter unexpected situations in life. More often than not, our week takes a different turn from what we imagined it would be. You think you have ten days to complete a project and then suddenly the project manager informs you there are only three days to finish everything. You meet a friend for coffee and what you thought would be an enjoyable chat turns into several hours of them crying about a relationship. You’re careful with your finances this year and save enough to pay off credit card debt and then a forgotten bill that’s past due shows up out of nowhere. Regardless of the situation, the last thing you should do is let your emotions take over. It’s much better to go with the flow, even if it feels uncomfortable.

How can you do it?

Step one is to be aware of the thoughts that are running through your mind as you’re reacting to the unexpected event. The thoughts might sound something like this. Oh no, I will definitely fail at this! There’s no way I can manage the situation! It’s just going to get worse and worse! Step two is to tell yourself that whatever emotion you are feeling is only going to be temporary. You can say, Of course I feel upset, no wonder! It’s normal to be emotional right now but it will pass. And step 3 is to ask yourself, What can I do right now to make myself feel better? It can be taking a few deep breaths, going out for a walk, or taking out a pen and paper and writing down three things you can do to correct the situation.

#4. Practice self-discipline every day.

There’s something about the words “self-discipline” that upsets people. Does it sound like a punishment to you? For me, self-discipline is a positive thing. It’s about focusing my energies on an outcome I want — to increase my writing skills, improve my physical strength, or keep myself on track with a new habit that will make me feel proud. What’s at the core of self-discipline? It’s knowing how to postpone things that are more pleasurable and take care of the essentials FIRST. This practice actually yields long-term benefits. In a study performed by Stanford University scientists called the Marshmallow experiment, results showed that delayed gratification can increase your chance at succeeding in many areas of your life — your education, career, short and long term goals, even your personal life choices.

How can you do it?

Practicing self-discipline is not as hard as it sounds. Start by observing the things you’d like to indulge in whenever the opportunity presents itself — for example, when you see a tempting dessert in the bakery or candy section of your grocery store. Resist the temptation to immediately pick it up and put it in the basket or cart. Instead, think of one reason why you shouldn’t buy it: maybe you’re starting off the month with new fitness goals or better eating habits. And it’s important to follow up — take your attention away from the distraction and focus on your priorities for the day. Go for a short workout like a bike ride or quick run, complete your homework, or listen to a podcast.

#5. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Mental strength doesn’t just appear in your life one day, nor does it last one day. It’s important to keep up the progress you’re making over an extended period of time. What’s the point of doing something meaningful right now and then letting yourself go in the next three weeks? If you do that, you’ll lose momentum, get complacent or just plain lazy, even worse — you’ll forget how confident you felt when you overcame that initial obstacle. That’s why it is critical to keep at it and hold yourself accountable every step of the way.

How can you do it?

Be smart with your time — plan everything out. Try out the bullet journal method and track your goals in one notebook. If you feel that you tend to procrastinate and get distracted by Twitter, Instagram, or the news which prevents you from achieving something important, your bullet journal will make it impossible to use these external factors as an excuse. Why? Because you’ll have to visually track your progress by checking off every single item for the day, week, and month. And if you don’t? You’ll have to carry the uncompleted task over to the next day or week. In other words, you cannot ignore it. Staying on track means you’re keeping the promise you made to yourself — to improve your life by building mental strength and creating a strong foundation for your future.

What is your unique way of developing mental strength?

What an excellent question to ask during this challenging year!

Developing our mental strength can help us in many ways. Being mentally strong essentially means knowing how to survive as an adult. It means being able to deal with challenges and obstacles. It means learning from mistakes instead of being paralyzed by them. Essentially, being mentally strong helps us process the world — and our role in it — better.

I wouldn’t say that my way of developing mental strength is necessarily unique. It’s more a matter of understanding what I need at this point in my life, which skills I need to work on more, and which habits I want to incorporate into my day so I can get better at those skills.

Here are three habits I’ve been practicing to develop mental strength.

✅ Mental strength building habit #1. Riding with the turbulence.

It’s nothing unusual to encounter unexpected situations in life. Granted, the current situation with the pandemic and COVID-19 is definitely something out of the ordinary, but it’s not the first time I have encountered a turbulent time. We’ve all been there in the past. We study for an exam, yet when exam day comes we aren’t able to concentrate and this affects our final grade. We get laid off from work or find a new job that turns out to be worse than the previous one we’ve had. We spend more time working from home and have to homeschool our siblings or children because they, too, are stuck indoors during the pandemic. Everyone is nervous because our lives have been disrupted. What is something we should be aware of? It’s important not to let emotions take over our whole day, whether they are feelings of sadness, anger, helplessness, or frustration. It will actually benefit us more if we go with the flow, and take things day by day.

How can you do this?

Step one is to be aware of the thoughts that are running through your mind as you’re reacting to the unexpected event. The thoughts might sound something like this. I’ve had it — this pandemic will never be over! I’ll never see my friends! We will never feel safe going to a concert again! Step two is to tell yourself that whatever emotion you are feeling is only going to be temporary. You can say, Of course I’m upset, no wonder — everyone else is going through the same thing! It’s normal to have an emotional reaction right now but it will pass. And step 3 is to ask yourself, What can I do right now to make myself feel better? You can choose to turn off the news on TV for one hour, take a few deep breaths, pick some music to listen to with eyes closed, make yourself a warm meal or get a snack, or take out a pen and write in your journal to give your thoughts and emotions a place to live.

✅ Mental strength building habit #2. Seeing obstacles in a new light.

If we’re really honest about it, there are obstacles we run across every single day of our lives. Some are really small ones, like running out of laundry detergent just when we realize we have no more clean clothes left to wear. Others are bigger ones, like not being able to pay bills at the end of the month because those textbooks we had to purchase last week were more expensive than we anticipated. And then there are all those obstacles in between — road construction that’s slowing down traffic, being late to a meeting, a difficult landlord, friends who demand our time and want to party, or maybe that box of cookies calling your name right when you’ve decided you want to lose ten pounds and go back to your fitness regimen. In all of the cases, what do we typically do? We blame the obstacles for not “allowing” us to achieve a short or long-term goal. But what if obstacles were to serve a different purpose in our life? Instead of using them as an excuse to avoid something or even quit something, we can use them to our advantage.

How can you do this?

There’s a cool hack for overcoming obstacles that I read in the book Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual by retired US Navy SEAL Jocko Willink. He says that when you reach an obstacle, instead of saying, Oh no, this is really bad! try embracing it and say, GOOD! Why talk about an obstacle in a positive light? It’s a subtle switch of your mindset that can yield big results because it affects how you react to a problematic situation, gives you a greater feeling of control, and allows your brain to be more flexible instead of rigid. If you’ve been getting bad grades in your college courses, GOOD! Now you’ll have more time to prepare and organize your study days in the following semester more effectively. If you’ve been complaining that there’s no more laundry detergent left, GOOD! Now you’ll have to plan ahead by writing a shopping list. If you feel bad that you ate 5 cookies after dinner, GOOD! Now you can use the time sitting on the couch to write a list of healthy meals you can prepare ahead for the week so you’re not tempted to eat too much.

✅ Mental strength building habit #3. Growing my mindset.

There is one book that has completely changed the way I think about the capabilities of the human brain. It is called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford. Dr. Dweck makes an important distinction between two mindsets: fixed and growth mindset. A fixed mindset is when you think the world is “fixed” i.e. everything stays the same forever, and people never change and are incapable of being in control of their lives. You’re lucky if you have good genes, a particular talent or gift; conversely, if your IQ isn’t high “enough,” too bad because you can’t do anything to improve your intellect.

To apply this way of thinking to the present challenges we are facing around COVID-19, having a fixed mindset can mean we see the world completely out of our control. Governments are in power, presidents can “save” or “destroy” the population of their country depending on the decisions and laws they put into effect. And we, the regular people, just react — no choices, no decision-making is up to us. We merely receive — the news, changes in laws, restrictions, you name it. And that way of thinking can make us feel powerless. It’s exactly what we should avoid. Here’s where having a growth mindset can prove helpful.

How can you do this?

Shift your focus from awfulizing about the global health crisis to identifying something that is within your control and that you can work on every single day. Instead of reading the news on Twitter for hours and getting more anxious by the minute, you can find one area of your life that you can improve and that has a positive side effect of making you feel better about yourself. For example, you can dedicate 30 minutes a day to practice a skill. Go on YouTube and learn how to bake bread from scratch. Take that book that’s been sitting on your shelf for months and read the first chapter. Take 15 minutes early each morning to take a brisk walk outside to get some daylight and also produce more endorphins (your “happy” hormones).

Remember — all these little habits, if you practice them every day, will help you build mental strength so you can manage your life, regardless of its ups and downs, more effectively. You can do it!

How do I become a tough and confident person?

 

Stop making excuses for yourself about why you can’t change anything about your life.

Because it’s not true. It just feels comfortable to do nothing. Maintaining the status quo requires less energy, less thinking, less doing. And yes, in return that’s what you get. Less of a life.

If you admit you’ve been making excuses, that’s step one.

Step two? You make a decision that this year, this month, this week, right now you’ll do something different.

And step three? You experiment. Practice new habits. Like these.

Welcome obstacles into your life.

How often have you told yourself, If only I didn’t have that chocolate ice-cream in the freezer, I would have maintained my diet? In those moments when you’re trying to rationalize your decisions and actions, you’re blaming the obstacles for not achieving your short or long-term goals. Or, to put it differently, you’re giving them top priority and more importance than anything you can do or change with your behavior. But what if obstacles were to serve a different purpose in our life? Instead of using them as an excuse to avoid something or even to quit something, it’s more beneficial if we use them to our advantage.

How can you do this?

In his book Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual, retired US Navy SEAL and author Jocko Willink has a power tip for dealing with obstacles — when you see one, instead of saying, Oh no! you should embrace it and say, Good! Why position an obstacle in a positive light? It’s a subtle switch of your mindset, but it can make a huge difference in how you react to a potentially problematic situation. If you’ve failed at an exam, good! Now you’ll have more time to prep and organize your study days more effectively. If you dropped the ball on the diet you’ve been trying for a week, good! Now you’ll have time to clean out the fridge, clean a meal plan for the week, and schedule a workout every afternoon. If you didn’t get that job offer, good! Now you’ll be able to revamp your resume and apply for jobs that are an even better fit for your skill set.

Practice a growth mindset.

Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford, wrote the book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. She makes an important distinction between two mindsets: fixed and growth mindset. If you’ve adopted a fixed mindset, you think being successful is due to good genes, a particular talent or gift, or something you are or aren’t born with but can never change. Succeeding means being perfect every time, achieving results easily and effortlessly, without much preparation or learning anything new. It’s about staying in the comfort zone and repeating what works. The downside to a fixed way of thinking is never stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something that is tough and challenging. Yet that’s where real success happens — in the growth mindset way of thinking.

How can you do this?

To nurture a growth mindset, shift your focus from the end result (making straight A’s in school or getting a promotion at work) to the actual process of becoming successful. A growth mindset person doesn’t think that success is being the best—they believe success is doing their best. You can start by moving away from your comfort zone (doing everything the same way over and over, using the same tools and processes), and towards a zone that’s uncomfortable and new. For example, come up with a better way to improve how you do your work — break down a large task in smaller increments, or tackle a difficult cognitive problem early in the day when your mind can concentrate better. Or, wake up a bit earlier each morning to practice a new fitness habit such as going for a run or swim.

Avoid toxic people at all costs.

Toxic people are everywhere, from the workplace to the family, and often in our circle of friends. They can be extremely negative, repeating how work is impossible, complaining about their lot in life (or suggesting you should see yours the same way), or just focusing on what’s preventing them from being happy. However, they may claim to know what’s best for you, that they care about happens to you, and that’s why their advice is to be careful, not to try anything new, not to move forward. That’s when things can veer off into seeing the world full of impossibilities, instead of possibilities. However, there are ways to deal with their toxicity.

How can you do this?

So maybe you don’t have a choice if your university professor is a pessimist. Work and school don’t give us many opportunities to select who we interact with. However, you can make up for it by being very selective who you spend your free time with. If a relative or school friend wants to call you up to complain or to gossip, just say no. Tell them you’re busy. Don’t engage in awfulizing scenarios and negative banter over the phone. Why not do something important for your personal development, like read a book or start an online course on a topic that fascinates you?

Practice saying NO often.

If you often find yourself running out of time to do what you need or would like to have time for, that means you’re saying yes to too many things, and ultimately wasting time and energy on things that are not that important in the long run. What are some typical real-life examples? Giving in to distractions of any kind, such as spending hours on insignificant activities, pointless conversations, answering every phone call, or indulging in passive forms of entertainment such as watching TV or Netflix for hours. When you say no to distractions, you make a positive change that will impact your daily life and improve the quality of your overall life.

How can you do this?

Exercising your “no” muscle means literally saying no in a variety of situations in your daily life. If there’s leftover cake in the fridge, don’t indulge and eat a double portion for the next three days just because you can. If you’re in the middle of finishing up a project and a friend calls to ask you out, don’t drop everything because you want to please them. Know your priorities — and stay in tune with them. Be aware of what is relevant to your life and why you’re working on something. If you think of it this way, you will be less likely to ignore the things that are beneficial to your personal and professional growth.

Stop making excuses to live a better quality of life.

It’s amazing how much we go through life making excuses for why we cannot do things. We don’t have the time to read books, but we sure make the time to watch TV for three hours straight after dinner. We don’t feel like studying tonight, because we’d much rather hang out with friends and ignore the exam until it’s well past midnight. We don’t want to apply for a new job because it sounds much more challenging than the one we currently have, so we keep the status quo and drag ourselves to work each day feeling unmotivated. It all sounds illogical, doesn’t it? But excuses, no matter their shape or size, are standing in the way of living our life to the fullest. That’s why it’s time to stop making them.

How can you do this?

Here’s where you can really experience what mental toughness is all about. It’s time to put a stop to destructive behavior and bad habits that are not helpful to you and your future self. It’s time to change the way you talk to yourself and also how you see yourself. Don’t coddle yourself; be tough when it comes to setting daily goals. Don’t count on motivation to get you out of bed; set the alarm and as soon as you hear it, get up. Don’t tell yourself you cannot do something; even if you’re not in the mood, just do it anyway. Don’t dwell on past mistakes; focus on what you’ve learned from the situation and move on, even if it’s making a tiny step forward. Today, you may not see yourself as a disciplined person, but tomorrow — it’s a real possibility.

Are there any books to help improve decision making under duress?

 

There is one specific chapter in the book Smarter, Faster, Better by Charles Duhigg that describes a powerful, real-life example of making decisions in a time of extreme duress.

A few years ago, a Qantas Airways Airbus A380 headed out from Singapore en route to Sydney. Shortly after takeoff, most of the plane’s mechanical systems experienced failure. The computers were showing that several engines were on fire. Fuel pumps were not working and fuel was leaking everywhere. Electrical systems, hydraulics, pneumatics were rapidly deteriorating. All the data pointed to the inevitable — the plane was surely going to go down. But, the opposite happened. The pilot Richard de Crespigny and his crew managed to land the plane safely in Singapore and everyone got off board uninjured.

How?

De Crespigny trained his crew before every single flight to visualize all possible scenarios of what could go wrong, anticipate problems, and come up with solutions. This is why the crew was able to remain calm in a situation that was escalating by the minute, with emergency warnings firing off on the computer screens by the second, indicating every possible mechanical failure that needed to be addressed. The crew knew what to do, what to focus on, how to act. This preparation saved the lives of everyone on board.

This process of visualization is called building a mental model. It is a cognitive technique similar to storytelling where we tell ourselves a story of what we expect to happen in the near future. When we build a mental model, we imagine in detail how we expect things will go in a specific real life situation; it can be related to school, work, relationships, social interactions, or even major life events.

What are the benefits of building a mental model?

• Storytelling helps our brain absorb new information better.
• Visualizing helps us anticipate challenges and make plans to deal with them and overcome them.
• Anticipating obstacles helps us strengthen our decision-making.
• When we train our brain to pay attention to what’s important, we help it to ignore less relevant elements such as distractions because those things are not part of our story.
• By telling ourselves a story, we boost focus and concentration so we can accomplish more important tasks and goals during the day.

Read more about the story that made the news: Qantas Flight 32 – Wikipedia

How do you develop mental toughness?

 

This is one of my keystone habits (and goals!), so I’d like to think it makes me qualified to tell you a few things about it.

How do you develop mental toughness?

You do it every day.

You are committed to making it a priority — not just that, but also making it a survival strategy.

You understand that there are no shortcuts and that you have to work on it yourself.

What does all this look like in real, day-to-day life?

If I were to summarize my experience into a few essential tips, they would look something like this.

Toughness tip #1. You welcome obstacles into your life.

How often have you told yourself, If only I didn’t run out of time I could’ve finished that term paper? Or, If only I wasn’t invited to the party I wouldn’t have eaten three slices of pizza and gone off my diet? In those moments when you’re trying to rationalize your decisions and actions, you’re blaming the obstacles for not achieving your short or long-term goals. Or, to put it differently, you’re giving them top priority and more importance than anything you can do or change with your behavior. But what if obstacles were to serve a different purpose in our life? Instead of using them as an excuse to avoid something or even to quit something, it’s more beneficial if we use them to our advantage.

How can you do this?

In his book Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual, retired US Navy SEAL and author Jocko Willink has a power tip for how to deal with obstacles — when you reach an obstacle, instead of saying, Oh no! you should embrace it and say, Good! Why position an obstacle in a positive light? It’s a subtle switch of your mindset, but it can make a huge difference in how you react to a potentially problematic situation. If you’ve failed at an exam, good! Now you’ll have more time to prep and organize your study days more effectively. If you’re trying to multitask and fail at everything, good! Now you’ll have time to regroup, take a break, and prioritize what is most important so you don’t have to do anything halfway. If you didn’t get that job offer, good! Now you’ll be able to revamp your resume and apply for jobs that are an even better fit for your skill set.

Toughness tip #2. You practice a growth mindset.

Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford, wrote the book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. My take on it? This book completely changed the way I see myself and what I am capable of achieving! Dweck makes an important distinction between two mindsets: fixed and growth mindset. If you’ve adopted a fixed mindset, you think being successful is due to good genes, a particular talent or gift, or something you are or aren’t born with but can never change. Succeeding means being perfect every time, achieving results easily and effortlessly, without much preparation or learning anything new. It’s about staying in the comfort zone and repeating what works. The downside to a fixed way of thinking is never stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something that is tough and challenging. Yet that’s where real success happens.

How can you do this?

To nurture a growth mindset, shift your focus from the end result (making straight A’s in school or getting a promotion at work) to the actual process of becoming successful. A growth mindset person doesn’t think that success is being the best—they believe success is doing their best. You can start by moving away from your comfort zone (doing everything the same way over and over, using the same tools and processes), and towards a zone that’s uncomfortable and new. For example, come up with a better way to improve how you do your work — break down a large task in smaller increments, or tackle a difficult cognitive problem early in the day when your mind can concentrate better. Or, wake up a bit earlier each morning to practice a new fitness habit such as going for a run or swim.

Toughness tip #3. You avoid toxic people at all costs.

This tip is probably the most challenging one for most of us. Sometimes those who are closest to us can be extremely negative, repeating how work is impossible, complaining about their lot in life (or suggesting you should see yours the same way), or just focusing on what’s preventing them from being happy. These people can be your friends, family members, even your partner or best friend. They may claim to know what’s best for you, that they care about happens to you, and that’s why their advice is to be careful, not to try anything new, not to move forward. That’s when things can veer off into seeing the world full of impossibilities, instead of possibilities. However, there are ways to deal with their toxicity.

How can you do this?

So maybe you don’t have a choice if a professor at university is pessimistic. Work and school don’t give us many opportunities to select who we interact with. However, you can make up for it by being very selective who you spend all of your free time with. If a toxic friend wants to monopolize your evening after school for example, just say no. Tell them you’re busy. Don’t engage in gossip, awfulizing scenarios, and negative banter over the phone. You’re better off spending your free time doing something important for your personal development or having a few hours to yourself to relax and have a good time.

Toughness tip #4. You practice saying NO often.

If you often find yourself running out of time to do what you need or would like to have time for, that means you’re saying yes to too many things, and ultimately wasting time and energy on things that are not that important in the long run. What are some typical real-life examples? Giving in to distractions of any kind, such as spending hours on insignificant activities, pointless conversations, answering every phone call, or indulging in passive forms of entertainment such as watching TV for hours. When you say no to distractions, you make a positive change that will impact your daily life and improve the quality of your overall life.

How can you do this?

Exercising your “no” muscle means literally saying no in a variety of situations in your daily life. If there’s leftover cake in the fridge, don’t indulge and eat a double portion for the next three days just because you can. If you’re in the middle of finishing up a project and a friend calls to ask you out, don’t drop everything because you want to please them. Know your priorities — and stay in tune with them. Be aware of what is relevant to your life and why you’re working on something. If you think of it this way, you will be less likely to ignore the things that are beneficial to your personal and professional growth.

Toughness tip #5. You stop making excuses to live the best version of your life.

It’s amazing how much we go through life making excuses for why we cannot do things. We don’t have the time to read books, but we sure make the time to watch TV for three hours straight after dinner. We don’t feel like studying tonight, because we’d much rather go to the movie theater and ignore the exam until it’s well past midnight. We don’t want to apply for a new job because it sounds much more challenging than the one we currently have, so we keep the status quo and drag ourselves to work each day feeling unmotivated. It all sounds illogical, doesn’t it? But excuses, no matter their shape or size, are standing in the way of living our life to the fullest. That’s why it’s time to stop making them.

How can you do this?

Here’s where you can really experience what mental toughness is all about. It’s time to put a stop to destructive behavior and bad habits that are not helpful to you and your future self. It’s time to change the way you talk to yourself and also how you see yourself. Don’t coddle yourself; be tough when it comes to setting daily goals. Don’t count on motivation to get you out of bed; set the alarm and as soon as you hear it, get up. Don’t tell yourself you cannot do something; even if you’re not in the mood, just do it anyway. Don’t dwell on past mistakes; focus on what you’ve learned from the situation and move on, even if it’s making a tiny step forward. And if you don’t see yourself as a disciplined person, maybe you’re not one — yet.

… And a final tip on developing mental toughness: 

If you find the concept of mental toughness a difficult one to embrace, I recommend reading Viktor E. Frankl’s Man’s Search For Meaning. If you wonder whether it’s possible to build endurance and optimism in life when you are struggling with a negative environment or a challenging situation, this book can be a game changer for you. Based on the psychology of survival, it’s a real-life story told by a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor who found the strength to live in circumstances where most people would simply give up. Be warned though — it’s not an easy read. However, it’s an important book as you’re thinking about ways to become mentally tougher and stronger to win at this game we like to call life.

How do you become strong as a person?

Based on my personal experience, I would say this:

To become strong, choose to live your life like a modern-day Stoic!

Stoicism, a school of Hellenistic philosophy which dates back to Ancient Greece in the 3rd century BC, was a philosophy of personal ethics. According to the Stoics, the path to happiness consists of accepting the moment as it presents itself, not allowing oneself to be controlled by the desire for pleasure or fear of pain, using one’s mind to understand the world and to do one’s part in nature’s plan, and working together and treating others fairly and justly (check out the Wikipedia page for more details).

How is Stoicism perceived today?

The word “stoic” today is often interpreted to describe a person who is indifferent, unemotional, hard as nails, even cold. But the real Stoics weren’t all about getting rid of emotions; they were focused on creating a set of rules to live by that were based on reason, logic, clear judgment, and inner calm.

What does that mean for you?

If you find yourself reacting to various circumstances, other people, and situations in daily life with a lot of emotion, chances are you’re allowing those emotions to get the better of you and to affect your decision-making. Feeling frustrated about a bad grade can force you to skip class and maybe fail the entire course. Interpreting feedback from your boss as a bad thing can make you take things so personally that you quit your job, which can leave you without an income to pay your bills. Making decisions about your career and even your personal life, based on an emotion that could dissipate in a few hours, is probably not the best option. Here’s where you can benefit from a modern-day interpretation of the Stoic way of life.

Living your life like a Stoic starts with a few simple habits.

These 9 habits have helped me incorporate Stoicism in practical ways.

Stoic habit #1. Don’t waste your energy on pointless activities.

The Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca devotes a section of his book On the Shortness of Life to a problem that many people had back then. He describes gluttony, vanity, focusing on materialistic things and trying to impress others. That’s not unlike our own world that’s focused on social media and often on creating a superficial image of lifestyles we see on Facebook and Instagram. There are ways to use your time more wisely: always focus on a specific goal you are striving towards. Don’t just keep it on an abstract level; actually create a plan to reach it. And don’t let random situations, chance, or other people’s behavior dictate how you lead your life. Seneca says that nothing happens to the wise man against his expectation.

Stoic habit #2. Practice gratitude for everything you have in your life today.

Speaking of social media, especially during this busy holiday season where you are inundated with vacation pictures of friends and the tropical destinations they’re gushing about, you may find yourself wondering how come they’re enjoying their lives while you’re sitting at home in snowy weather. The envy you’re feeling will soon turn into frustration and eventually unhappiness about your life, and for what real reason? The reality is this: there’s so much you already do have going for you. Think about what those things are. Set aside a few minutes each day to develop your own practice of gratitude. For example: list 3 things you’re grateful for in your life this very moment: having a home, a job, a skill you are good at, or a close friend who you enjoy spending time with.

Stoic habit #3. Don’t complain all the time — get proactive about what’s possible.

There’s nothing unique about complaining. It’s easy to do it, which is why we tend to do it by default. We are human. However, to be realistic, complaining won’t change a thing. Why waste your time? What will make a difference is if we take a proactive stand on a problem that bothers us. What does that mean? It means do something about it. If there’s a situation you don’t like, think of ways to change it. Brainstorm what you will need to do to change it — start with a list of possible solutions. You may need more resources, or more knowledge on a topic, or just a bit more time to reach a personal goal. For additional support, ask a trusted friend or someone who is an expert in the field.

Stoic habit #4. Don’t make comfort your top priority in life.

Living like a Stoic doesn’t mean surrounding yourself with material things or a bunch of people in order to feel comfortable and happy. It means taking life in stride and making peace with discomfort when it occurs. If there’s a situation that you don’t like, don’t immediately do everything you can to avoid it. Embrace it for a bit, sit with it, and ask yourself, How can I benefit from this? What will it allow me to learn about solving a problem? When you frame discomfort in this way, you take control. You also learn to rely on yourself so that when tough times come around, you’re better prepared to deal with them. You can practice this by trying to solve problems by yourself first, even if that means making mistakes, before you give up or turn to someone else to help you fix the situation.

Stoic habit #5. Learn to manage your thoughts better.

This is one area of life in which we can all improve. On any given day, chances are you have thousands of thoughts running through your mind, and let’s face it, a lot of them are not exactly sunny and happy ones. They can be negative, self-critical, dismissive, they can focus on past failures or tap into your insecurities. Think about this powerful statement for a second. You are not your thoughts. There are ways to manage your thoughts more successfully and even change your entire mindset. You can practice a short 10-minute meditation to calm your thoughts. For an even bigger shift in the way you think, you can get a copy of Carol Dweck’s book Mindset which can impact your entire attitude and how you think about what is possible to achieve.

Stoic habit #6. Do your hard work first, before you do anything for pleasure.

On any given day, we give in to the urge to start our morning by checking social media apps on our phone and sending messages back and forth with our friends. But mornings are the ideal time of day to get the hardest work out of the way. Try maximizing each morning by building a habit of doing your hard work early. It will help you deal with the feelings of procrastination whenever you have to study for an exam or finish up a project for work. Even better: it will improve your focus and concentration so that your brain can do its brilliant work more efficiently and effectively than any other time of day.

Stoic habit #7. Learn to practice self-discipline with delayed gratification.

It may not seem like a natural choice at first, but putting off doing what makes you feel great and that gives you pleasure has its advantages. It’s about instilling a good dose of self-discipline so that you do something difficult first in order to reward yourself later. There’s even science to back this up: Stanford University’s Marshmallow experiment showed how delayed gratification can increase your chance at succeeding in many areas of your life. You can practice it too. For example, if you want to watch a movie or go out with friends, leave it for the evening after you have completed what you planned to work on during the day. Or, if there’s a slice of chocolate cake you really feel like having, go for a 30-minute walk or bike ride beforehand so you get some cardio exercise before you enjoy it — and even then, eat a smaller piece.

Stoic habit #8. Turn an obstacle into an opportunity to approach a problem in a different way.

What often happens when we are faced with an obstacle is that we stop everything we are doing and we start reacting, often emotionally. Maybe it’s a sign I should just give up! Maybe it’s just too hard for me to do! Those are all emotional reactions. You can change your approach in three ways. First, start anticipating that there will be obstacles you will encounter on your path. If you prepare yourself psychologically for them, they won’t feel so devastating when they actually do happen. Second, use the opportunity to learn something new, to take a different approach to the problem, to think it through, and to try something different that can yield better results. And third, take advantage of the tough times to achieve mastery in one area so that you can become an expert at something.

Stoic habit #9. Accept that although you cannot control life, there are some things you can change.

Sure, you can’t control life, no matter how much you feel a deep desire to do so. But you can control how you react to it. That is always your prerogative and your right as a human being. What if you don’t think it’s possible? Take on this challenge. Read Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search For Meaning. It is a manual describing the psychology of survival, written by a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor who found strength to live in circumstances where most people would have given up. It’s a real-life story about living life stoically — by accepting the moment, by not allowing oneself to be controlled by the fear of pain, and by using one’s mind to understand the world and how to make it a better place.