Where can you go with wishful thinking?

Wishing things for yourself is like being in a cocoon. 

Think of it as your comfort zone in which you get to dream, think, imagine. It’s the space to think of a million scenarios where things go your way, you live a wonderful life, have a beautiful home, enjoy the company of a partner who is a perfect fit for you, have a job that earns an income large enough so you can live comfortably and still have enough money to go on vacations to tropical destinations of your choice.

Speaking of destinations, that’s the thing.

Your cocoon of dreaming and wishing shouldn’t be a destination in itself. It should be a starting point. 

You can use that time to prioritize what are the things most important to you and your personal growth. Then you can create goals so that those wishes don’t just stay in the realm of your imagination. They can be the motivational force to move you forward into a future you can create for yourself.

The good thing about goals is that they give your dreams a sense of purpose — you have an awareness of what you desire in life, which extends beyond what’s happening in your current life. Once you know what it is you desire, you can be honest with yourself about how badly you want it.

Are you willing to give up a bad habit today so you can invest in a better life two years from now?

Can you be self-disciplined to build habits that will keep you on track toward reaching an important goal?

How will you measure your progress and stay motivated to keep going until you get there?

What do you imagine it will feel like when you do eventually reach that goal?

Those are the questions that will help you step out of the cocoon of wishes and dreams, and on to the path towards making tangible, real changes in your life.

This path includes having an action plan that consists of the following steps:

1. You think about what you want your dream life to be.

Ask yourself the following questions to define your goals properly:

• Where do you want to be 1, 5, or even 10 years from now? Don’t think only geography and economy of your country, but more in terms of personal development and skill level.
• Who do you want to become in your career — a leader, CEO of a startup, data analyst in a Fortune 500 company, innovator, scientist, writer?
• What is your dream scenario — living a life in a specific city, becoming an expert at something, being surrounded by smart and interesting people who contribute to my personal growth and well-being?

2. You create a specific goal.

Don’t just stop at dreaming and wishing a certain lifestyle for yourself. If you’re stuck in the imaginary world, your brain won’t know what to focus on and how to take action on an idea you’re thinking about.

• Non-specific goals can be anything of the following. I want to get a job, or move out of my parents’ house, or get fit, or have a large salary.
• Specific goals are spelled out. For example, if you want to get a job of your dreams, write down that you want to get a job offer for a [job title you want] that pays an annual salary of [amount you believe is fair given your skills and experience] so you can develop [current skills + new skills you’re working on].

3. You see everything you do as a personal choice, not an obligation.

This is largely a mindset issue because there is a big difference between feeling forced to do something and choosing to do it.

• Tell yourself, “I really want to see myself succeed at this!” The benefit? It gives you a greater sense of control about what you’re doing. That’s much better than feeling like you’re reacting to things or you have an obligation to work towards someone else’s goal (for example, a goal set by parents).
• Remind yourself of the reason for action with this question: “Why am I choosing this goal?” Make the connection with the initial wishes and dreams you had for yourself at the beginning. It can be passing all exams so you can graduate from college, start your own business, earn a promotion that will help you save up more money to purchase a home, etc.

4. You schedule it in.

Set aside one hour after dinner tonight to create a schedule that will make your dreams more tangible and real.

• Select your top 3 personal goals. They can be anything you’ve been dreaming about for years, or something you’ve started considering more seriously in the past year or two.
• Under each goal, write down 3 things you need to do on a consistent basis. It can be to practice a skill three times a week, set aside an hour a day to focus and do research, or sign up for a class to broaden your knowledge in a field.
• Create a schedule for the week ahead. Set aside blocks of time to making progress in the areas you’ve identified. Start small, with a 15–30 minute block of time. You’ll be surprised how much the time adds up without you having to give up on other things you need to do during the day.

5. You measure your progress.

After following your new goal schedule for one week, make an assessment of the progress you made. Be honest in answering the following questions:

• Did some activities take more time than you anticipated? If so, why?
• What was easy to do? Why do you think it wasn’t as difficult as you initially thought?
• What could you have done better? Could you have started earlier in the day, turned off distractions, or used shortcuts to save time without sacrificing the quality of your work?
• In what way can you improve the following week? Can you focus only on one activity to make significant progress?
• How will you measure your progress? Can you set milestones to reach by the end of each week, or deadlines that will keep you on track? Will you track your progress in a spreadsheet or a bullet journal?

You’re not born disciplined (and that’s OK).

I consider self-discipline to be a skill, not a trait.

There’s a big difference between the two concepts.

A trait — a characteristic that is specific to an individual — is determined by DNA or genes. For example, we can genetically inherit a specific hair color, eye color, or blood type.

A skill — the ability to do something well or to use knowledge to improve the way we perform an activity — is not determined by DNA. For example, we can learn a language that was not spoken by our ancestors. There’s one element that is required to acquire a skill, however: repetition of activity over time.

Here’s where your self-discipline can really pay off.

Ever heard of David Goggins?

He is a retired U.S. Navy SEAL who served in the Iraq War (and is now also a triathlete). Goggins calls self-discipline “the callusing of the mind.” It means building a thick, impenetrable layer that will allow you to do what’s uncomfortable so you can get out of your comfort zone and start shaping your life into something worthwhile.

He points out how beneficial it can be to practice self-discipline, and I agree with that mindset. For me, self-discipline as a skill is not just limited to physical endurance.

It is a way of thinking that anyone can practice if they want to.

We can decide today that we’ll get better at a skill, whether it’s physical strength training, managing stress better, or improving the way we work. We get to decide that we want to create something that has value, not just for ourselves but also for other people. And the most important thing — we decide that we will take action on it immediately.

So how do you start practicing the skill of self-discipline?

Tip #1. Start your day right.

The way you start the day — any day — is going to set the tone for whatever you do, try to do, want to do, and then actually do. You can choose to be reactive, which can mean you wake up, get your phone, and start checking emails, Twitter, or Instagram. You might watch the news and get caught up in world events, none of which you can control. Or, you might answer calls or respond to text messages that your friends start sending you as you’re having breakfast. If you’d like to create a different beginning to your day, train your brain to be focused as soon as you wake up.

What’s an easy way to do this?

Start your day with this question: What is the one thing I am committed to completing today? This technique trains your brain to focus on identifying goals that are important to you and forces you to prioritize the single goal you believe to be the most relevant at this moment. How do you start? Put it in writing. Write it in large letters on a sheet of paper and hang it on your bedroom or bathroom wall. Read it out loud as you start your day, for example as you’re brushing your teeth or getting ready for work or school. Come up with an answer on the spot and answer it out loud. Then follow up by taking action — focus your energy throughout the day to complete your one thing.

Tip #2. Don’t just go through the motions — do deep work.

You can say a lot of things to describe the benefits of leading a self-disciplined life, but being spontaneous in managing your day-to-day activities isn’t one of them. There’s time for spontaneity, and then there’s time to do what you need to do. In other words, timing — just like in most other aspects of your life — is everything. Being self-disciplined means you do deep work (concentrating on complex cognitive tasks such as studying, problem-solving, and writing) first before you do anything for pleasure. It means you are aware of which times of day should be devoted to doing it, and which times can be allotted to entertainment and socializing.

What’s an easy way to do this?

Make the most of your mornings by building a habit of doing your deep work early. This means taking full advantage of your circadian rhythm (your body’s biological clock), which is your natural rhythm that “knows” what are the optimal times for you to perform certain tasks. For most people, the early morning hours are optimal for deep work. Specifically, the brain’s peak performance is 2–4 hours after we wake up. So if you wake up at 6, then your peak time is until 10 a.m. Working early allows your brain to focus fully on the problem at hand, with fewer distractions, and fewer inputs from your environment.

Tip #3. Postpone what gives you pleasure.

If doing deep work early helps you focus better and get the biggest responsibilities out of the way, what you’re also doing is postponing things that are more pleasurable. What’s the point of doing something difficult first to reward yourself later? You’d be surprised how far-reaching this practice can be. In a study performed by Stanford University scientists, results showed that delayed gratification can increase your chance of succeeding in many areas of your life — your education, career, short and long-term goals, and even your personal life choices. This study is now famous and is called the Marshmallow Experiment.

What’s an easy way to do this?

Start by observing the things you’d like to indulge in whenever the opportunity presents itself — for example, eating a large slice of chocolate cake or having a second portion of what you already ate for dinner. Then, resist the temptation to immediately choose to treat yourself by thinking of one reason why not to indulge: maybe you’re focused on your new fitness goals or developing better eating habits. And follow up. Take your attention away from the distractions and focus on your priorities for the day: complete your homework, go outside for a run or walk, listen to a podcast on an interesting topic, or prepare dinner early so you have time to watch a movie later.

Tip #4. Don’t be a Tik Tok addict.

Leading a self-disciplined life means you learn how to say no to many different things: no to giving in to temptations to indulge in pleasant activities, no to your desire to procrastinate on daily priorities, and no to distractions that take over your day. They may seem harmless to begin with, but distractions can easily make you slip from your work. One minute you’re just scrolling through hilarious Tik Tok videos, and the next thing you know it’s two hours later and you haven’t picked up your notes to start prepping for the exam. But when you turn off what distracts you, you have a better chance to actually get stuff done.

What’s an easy way to do this?

Be aware that distractions come from different sources, not just your electronic devices. Your goal is to dial down all types of distractions so they’re not in your way. First, set your phone to Airplane mode when you need to focus on your work — try this for 2 hours. Next, let people around you (family members, friends, or roommates) know you won’t be available during that time. Check your email and social media apps 2–3 times during the day; start around lunchtime and then check later in the afternoon. Avoid browsing the Internet or reading the news all day long. Close all tabs in your browser so you’re not tempted to do yet another Google search.

Tip #5. Develop an attitude of “I want” instead of “I should.”

Like with all other areas in your life, self-discipline is for the most part all about attitude. What’s your understanding of self-discipline? Does it sound like a practice that is uncomfortable, unusual, harsh, or maybe extreme? If it does, it’s time to take a second look because the attitude you have towards self-discipline will either help you or deter you from practicing it in your daily life. For me, it’s never been about what I “should” do or what feels uncomfortable to do. It’s all about what it can afford me. With daily practice, self-discipline trains my brain to prioritize the things I can control, allows me to let go of what I cannot, and frees me up to focus on my personal goals.

What’s an easy way to do this?

Instead of focusing only on daily schedules and tasks, start thinking about your future and what you want to accomplish in 5, 10, and yes even 20 years. Even if practicing self-discipline may feel like you’re sacrificing some things right now (chatting with friends or indulging in a delicious dessert), think about what leading a self-disciplined life will afford you. Write down a list of new habits you’re practicing (or want to start practicing) that can add up to bigger results a year from now. Create time in your calendar to practice them — even a 30-minute session is enough to begin. When you understand the benefits of leading a self-disciplined life, you are more likely to nurture it. It will become a lifestyle that will take you into the future you want for yourself.

🤓 If you’re like me, you may prefer to have a printout of tips so you can reread them and write notes in the margins. That’s why I put these steps in a printable workbook called Develop a Self Disciplined Lifestyle. It includes tips, a workbook section, a list of recommended readings, and a weekly gratitude journal template. You can learn more about it here.

What are the most common pitfalls in self-improvement?

What an excellent question. It’s important to have this conversation because there are quite a few drawbacks to the way we approach self-improvement, yet we don’t really talk about them much.

I want to address three pitfalls specifically.

#1. Going down the rabbit hole of intense navel-gazing.

Having self-awareness and knowing there’s something that needs improving in our life is a good thing. That’s the first step towards positive change. The problem starts when being self-aware turns into being completely consumed with the self. We start viewing every aspect of our life through a magnifying lens. A need to start eating healthy begins by doing research on healthy foods, reading nutrition labels on packages in the supermarket, and making smarter choices about what to eat. But what if this research becomes the lens of looking at the world in a certain way, and we start judging certain foods as “toxic” or “bad” and even tell other people how and what they should eat? If we don’t watch the way we talk to ourselves, we can easily slip into bad habits of awfulizing whatever is not our choice and labeling what is our choice as the “best” and “smartest” way to live. Other than demonstrating a rigid and more fixed mindset, this is also dangerous because we can alienate other people; it will be difficult to enjoy spending time with us and learn something constructive from us.

Can you fix this?

You can, but you have to be deliberate and mindful about how you talk and how you think about self-improvement. It helps to broaden your view of the world to include data points other than yourself. What does that mean? Having awareness that the rest of the world may not have the same beliefs, needs, or goals is a good start. Learning something new to increase your knowledge and understanding, even if it clashes with your current set of beliefs. Solving a problem that someone else may have instead of just focusing on your own, which you can practice by asking the question, How can I help here? Finding ways to share your progress so that others can benefit from it, and explaining the progress in a way that is easy to understand (the point of what you’re doing, the habits you’re practicing, and the benefits you are experiencing). When we share our knowledge and experiences, we don’t just focus on us — we add value to others, which gives us a greater sense of purpose in life.

#2. Practicing small things, but procrastinating about the big things.

Small things are certain behaviors and habits we practice in our daily life that give us a feeling of accomplishment. Also, it looks good on the outside. We appear busy with our acts of self-improvement, which sends a signal to our brain that we are getting things done. For example, we get into the habit of keeping a bullet journal so that we can streamline the way we work and how we manage our daily schedule, both for our professional and personal life. The bullet journal method can easily morph into an obsession with aesthetics — how to add designs to your pages, put different colors, and experiment with different stickers and doodles to give the journal a cool artistic look. We start shopping for better notebooks, highlighters, cool pens. Suddenly a daily task of checking off items turns into hours of making things look good. What happened to the big picture? What are the initial goals we wanted to work on? Where did the time go to make progress on those goals?

Can you fix this?

Absolutely. If there’s anything we should really be dedicating our energy to, it’s the big things that matter to us — practicing a blue sky way of thinking. This means setting aside time to think about how to reach a big goal, overcome a personal challenge, improve relationships with people closest to us. Watch out for that self-talk that stems from feeling so busy with our daily lives that leads us to push all the big stuff aside and leave it for later. I can’t think about this right now, I don’t have the time! This is too complicated and stressful for me to deal with! It’s all going to work out anyway, why worry about it now? This is a form of procrastination, hidden under the guise of productivity. To deal with it, it helps to ask yourself, Why am I so reluctant to act on this today? Am I afraid of something, and if so, what is it? What’s standing in my way? Once you get to the bottom of it, you can take action. It’s a baby step move — you dedicate 15 minutes to getting something underway, whether it’s writing down five things you need to do to acquire a skill, or talking to your partner about solving a problem together.

#3. Obsessively monitoring the self-improvement journey of other people.

Watching others and how they behave, what they possess, and where they’re going is a human thing to do. We are social creatures. This is not altogether too bad — it’s important to learn from the experiences, behaviors, and even mistakes of other people. But there’s a danger hidden behind these observations: when we allow them to take over our thoughts and impede our judgment of what is truly important to our own self-development. Just because a friend mentions that they have taken up running at 6 a.m. to boost their physical stamina does not mean we need to immediately go shopping for a new pair of running shoes to do the same. And if a co-worker decides to quit so they can focus on being an entrepreneur and create their own business, that is not an excuse for us to give in to FOMO (the fear of missing out) and start asking ourselves if we’re really meant for this role or we should also give up a stable source of income to pursue something on our own — even though we’re not quite sure what that is.

Can you fix this?

Yes. It will, however, require you to change the way you think about goals that are important to you and only you. This is an exercise in goal-setting that can literally change your whole life if you know how to do it right. It does take a certain level of introspection and asking yourself difficult questions like, Is the lifestyle of the person I admire the right fit for me and what I need? Can I turn this lifestyle into a goal that fits into the bigger picture of my life and what I want it to look like 10 or 20 years from now? How can I make the goal actionable so it’s not just a “nice to have” but “I WANT to have this”? How will I measure my progress as I keep practicing these new behaviors? I created a workbook based on this process that includes question prompts, tips, templates, and a recommended reading list, all of which you can learn more about here.

What are 5 things you should say NO to in the morning?

I’m sure you have read all kinds of articles offering advice on morning routines. When to wake up. How much work to do. How to keep yourself entertained (or focused) on your commute. Podcast lists. Spotify lists. To-do lists. Meal prep. Writing in your journal. The list goes on and on. But did you ever consider what are some things you should not do as soon as you wake up?

Maybe it’s a good way to reframe your mindset.

Here are 5 things to say NO to in the morning.

1. Giving in to a state of anxiety and panic.

Many people open their eyes and immediately start listing all the things they have to do on that day. That type of mental “chatter” seems to be the brain’s default response to waking up. And of course the list feels endless — not to mention unrealistic. After all, you only have a certain amount of waking hours to get it all done, right? Next thing you know, you’re feeling overwhelmed with all those thoughts about the dreaded list. And feeling overwhelmed won’t help in any way, so it’s best to come up with a strategy for setting goals.

Instead of giving in to this state of mind, DO ask yourself one question first thing: What is the one thing I am committed to completing today? It will help your brain prioritize and identify one goal or task that’s the most important. To make this easier to do, write the question on a large sheet of paper and put it somewhere you can immediately see when you wake up.

2. Reaching for the phone to start checking your social media apps.

The list of social media apps is getting longer over the years. You probably know your top 3-5 apps. It’s not just Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook any more. It can be reading other sources of news, playing games, or scrolling through Reddit. One thing you’re forgetting is a valuable resource that’s at its peak around this time, and that is your willpower. And you choose this time to scroll through Instagram! You’re better off using this time of day in a more efficient way.

Instead of repeating the same habit, DO give yourself time to ease into the day. This may be taking the time to do a 5-minute meditation, writing in your journal, watering the plants, taking your dog out for a walk, or turning on music to add some energy and perk you up.

3. Beginning the day on an empty stomach.

Unless you’re doing intermittent fasting, starting the day without any type of fuel won’t give you the energy you need. And it’s not only about addressing your stomach. Think about what your brain needs — like your stomach, it also needs food. Actually, the brain of an average adult consumes about 20 percent of the body’s total energy — which you mostly get from the food you eat. If you don’t eat, your brain won’t have the energy it needs to function properly and be productive.

Instead of skipping your fuel, DO start the day with breakfast. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or big. Try oatmeal with fresh fruit or yogurt with a combination of fruit, walnuts, and granola. An egg or two is another good option; eggs contain B vitamins, antioxidants (which protect neurons against damage), and omega-3 fatty acids to keep nerve cells functioning at optimal speed. If you’re fine with caffeine, it’s a perfect time for that first cup of coffee or tea to get you going.

4. Wasting time on things that don’t need your full focus and attention.

Consider for a minute what are the types of activities you typically perform before noon. You might be listening to the news, tidying up your home, chatting with or texting friends. It could also be spending a lot of time packing up what you need for work or school or agonizing over which outfit to wear. But what you’re not giving your brain is what it needs at that time — the opportunity to do deep, focused, uninterrupted work such as reading, writing, coding, analyzing, critical thinking, and problem solving.

Instead of wasting time, DO take advantage of your brain’s peak performance hours which are around 2–4 hours after you wake up. If you wake up at 6, your peak time for complex cognitive tasks is between 8 and 10. Another bonus is that when you get that tough cognitive work out of the way, you’ll feel more accomplished and ready to relax when you really need to.

5. Staying indoors all morning.

There’s so much goodness from giving yourself some time in the sun, even if the weather is overcast. Think of it as spending a few minutes absorbing daylight, much like plants do. Getting some sun exposure will allow your body to naturally produce vitamin D, which is important for optimal brain function. Vitamin D helps the brain through its anti-inflammatory and immune-boosting properties. Additionally, studies have shown it protects agains dementia by helping to break down Alzheimer’s disease-related proteins and enhancing blood flow to the brain.

Instead of being indoors all morning, DO schedule a short walk or run early when the sun comes up. Your mornings are super busy? It doesn’t have to take a long time. You can set the timer on your mobile phone to go off anywhere between 15 and 30 minutes. When you’re moving, you’ll also get the additional benefit of producing more endorphins — those happy hormones we all need more of!

I struggle with being consistent. How can I be consistent every day?

Create a life in which you practice very small habits as a way to build your self-discipline.

This means practice every day.

This means don’t put things off any more.

This means show up for yourself, respect your time, be focused on an important goal.

How can you do that?

#1. Take ownership of your day.

Instead of waiting to respond to external factors (work or school assignments, a task given by your manager, other chores given by family members), take the day into your hands by asking one question that I use to start my mornings: “What is the one thing I am committed to completing today?” This technique will train your brain to start evaluating the goals that are important to you right now and prioritize one goal that needs immediate attention.

How can you do this?

Write it down on a sheet of paper and hang it on a wall in your home. Read it out loud as you start your day, for example as you’re brushing your teeth or getting dressed. Come up with an answer on the spot and answer it out loud. Then take action: focus your energy throughout the day to completing your one thing.

#2. Instead of putting off work, attack it immediately.

It’s not unusual to feel a sense of overwhelm because there are so many things you need to do, from small everyday chores and tasks to working on a large project. Of course, your first response can be to delay doing anything (because it’s hard to decide what to do and in what order), which translates into a bad habit of procrastinating. What you’re actually doing is ignoring your willpower reserves; they’re at their highest peak early and then taper on as the day progresses. The solution? Do not delay what you know you’ll have to do anyway.

How can you do this?

Once you’ve established your top priority, work on it as early in the day as possible. I try to start right around breakfast time. It can be a small thing that I can do in 30 minutes but I’ve been avoiding all week. Sometimes it’s even shorter and can be completed in 10 minutes, but it feels unlpleasant and a chore. That doesn’t matter. Set the timer for 10, 15, or 30 minutes and work on it right now. And the benefit? Feeling that you accomplished something important so early will set the tone to the rest of the day.

#3. Don’t complicate new habits.

Let’s imagine a scenario in which you neglected yourself, for example you’ve been saying you’ll make healthier meals or work out regularly, but life gets in the way so the new habit never begins. Why would you avoid something that you know will most likely have positive results? Maybe it’s the way you think about the habit — it’s going to be difficult to do it, you cannot find the time, you’re preparing for exams so you can’t think about meal prepping right now, and so on. But are those thoughts really true? Or are you just setting it up to make it easier on yourself to delay some more? Maybe the simple answer is this: you complicate the habit to the point that it sounds like it’s going to be excruciating to do. Simplifying it is a better solution.

How can you do this?

A good first step is to stop telling yourself that practicing self-control is self-punishment. It may feel unnatural at first to tackle a new habit like running early in the morning, but you’re not a child being told what to do. You are making decisions for yourself and your well-being. And you are taking charge of your life. Do you see the difference, that shift in your attitude? It is one of the most important changes you will make that will allow you to stay focused. Another thing that is helpful is to break down something hard into manageable increments. One hour at the gym sounds like torture, but what about a 20-minute workout at home? If that’s too long, how about you do two short workouts or walks of 10 minutes each? Make the task as easy to do as possible.

#4. Be more deliberate in avoiding distractions.

Yes, we may all have cell phones and use social media accounts to be informed, stay in touch with friends, and experience something funny, beautiful, or fascinating. But at the end of the day, social media is more of a distraction and less of a proactive experience. If you find yourself spending hours on Tik Tok or YouTube, maybe it’s a good idea to ask yourself a few questions. What do I like to watch the most? How much time do I spend each day on this? When I’m done, how do I feel? What do I want to get out of this experience? Very often we go to our apps to distract ourselves from work, or to make time go by more quickly as we’re waiting in a long line at the post office. The question is this — will you remember everything you’ve seen today one year from now? And if you won’t, is there something better you can do with your time? In other words, minimize what distracts you to take charge of your time.

How can you do this?

If you feel anxiety, dread or overwhelm after spending time reading news on Twitter, you have to acknowledge these feelings. If an action doesn’t add value to your life (or even reduces the quality of your emotions and your thoughts), do you need it? Eliminate what doesn’t make sense to keep any more. Set your phone to Airplane mode when you need to focus. Don’t let other people’s schedules and priorities take over your own; let others know that you are working and won’t allow interruptions. Check email and social media apps only in the afternoon and evening, and set your timer so you’re aware at all times how many minutes you’re dedicating to these activities.

#5. Keep a self-discipline journal.

Since you are making a lot of changes in the way you think and organize your days, a good idea is to document these changes. When you write things down, your brain can focus better to sort through new information, prioritize, make decisions, and plan out what needs to be done. In addition, when you have words written down on paper, it will feel like more of a commitment you are making towards your future. It’s important to mark your progress in all these areas so you can track everything, including your thoughts and mood.

How can you do this?

Dedicate one notebook to this activity. For each day’s entry, write down several prompts that you can answer on that day. Here are a few suggestions: What is the one thing I am committed to completing today? How will I distribute the work morning/afternoon/evening (create a plan)? What went well today, and what didn’t (why)? What is one obstacle I can remove or reduce tomorrow?

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✏️🗓 If you are interested in self-discipline, head over to this page to read about a packet (e-book + journal) I put together to help you build and maintain a self-disciplined lifestyle.

Why do I always waste my weekends on things that aren’t important to me?

Interesting question, and truthfully — I don’t know.

If there was a tiny door located in the back of your head, I would love to go inside and take a walk down the path of your neural networks. It would be fascinating to see how everything functions. I would be able to see the world through your eyes, and I would pay attention to the things you pay attention to. I’d start noticing patterns in your behavior. I’d see what triggers you to choose TV at 10 p.m. instead of a walk outside in the moonlight. I’d observe how good it feels when you are gaming and winning a battle in some faraway land, feeling accomplished and proud to have made it so far.

But that tiny door does not exist. I don’t know what is the real reason (or reasons) why you waste your weekends away on things that aren’t important to you.

But I do have an idea.

There probably was no weekend plan.

What if you were to turn the situation around and actually make a plan for this weekend and see how that goes? When you do that, you are making a decision to take charge of your time, which is a powerful thing. You will decide to allow yourself to do certain things and avoid others. When you are disciplined about your time, you gain freedom over it. And next thing you know, those 48 hours seem long enough to do good things, important things, meaningful things.

It’s worth a shot.

I’ll give you a few ideas of what to include in your plan, but really it’s up to you. Whatever you decide to do, write it down. List the activities and then next to them write how much time you estimate they will take to complete. This will give you a general idea of how many things you can do Saturday morning versus Sunday evening. Don’t overwhelm yourself, just focus on what is important to you.

Idea #1. Boost your inner batteries.

You know you’re often tempted to stay indoors all weekend watching movies, checking Reddit or Instagram, texting friends or browsing YouTube videos. Do something different this time: make it a point to go outdoors. Being outside, especially in nature, will give you more energy and a much needed daily dose of vitamin D. To maximize the time, use it to do some sort of physical activity you don’t have time for during the week: go for a hike out of town, ride your bike, swim, or go for a run in a park or somewhere by the water.

Idea #2. Reassess your goals.

One way to make your weekends count and give yourself a sense of purpose is to think about your personal development. It’s a good idea to consider questions like Where do you want to be 1, 5, 10 years from now? Who do you want to become? What is your dream scenario: a life in a specific city, building a career in an industry that motivates you, becoming an expert in a specific field? Set aside an hour or two to do the following:

• Write down your top 3 goals. They can be either personal or professional, or a combination of both.
• Under each, write 3 things you need to do consistently to get you closer to each goal.
• Create a schedule for the week ahead so you can dedicate blocks of time to making progress in the areas you’ve identified.
• At the end of next week make an assessment of your progress. Did some activities take more time than anticipated? Did you need to plan better and if so, what could you have done better? Then make adjustments for the following week.

Idea #3. Read books.

I am not talking about reading in general, which can mean news and the blurbs on Instagram posts — I’m talking about reading books. What’s so important about reading them? It’s the equivalent of living multiple lives; reading can stimulate your imagination, build critical thinking skills, feed your brain, let you time travel, and absorb life experiences of other people. If the writers you pick are excellent storytellers, you will soon be drawn into their world so quickly that you won’t be able to put the book down.

• Download the Goodreads app to get recommendations, add books to your bookshelf, and track your reading progress.
• Check out books from your local library. If you need a greater selection to pick from, ask about interlibrary loans.
• Consider the benefits to reading fiction (as opposed to non-fiction), backed by scientific study I wrote about in this Medium post.

Idea #4. Learn something new.

Ask yourself how you reacted just now when you saw the word “learn.” Did you immediately think about sitting in a classroom, reading a textbook, or attending a lecture at university? If you did, then it’s time to adjust your mindset about where you can go to learn new things. The key is to ask yourself what you find interesting, then look for ways to immerse yourself in it in as many ways as possible.

• Take an online class to develop a skill that makes you feel powerful, smart, and strong. Whether it’s learning to code, speaking a foreign language, or making croissants that look like they came straight out of a bakery in Paris, there’s a diverse number of topics you can choose.
• Watch an interesting documentary on YouTube. You can learn about planet Earth with David Attenborough, travel the world and discover delicious street food with Mark Wiens, or go back in time to the ancient world with Bettany Hughes.
• Download a free resource on a topic related to your personal development. It can be an infographic on growth mindsets or a flow chart about changing a negative habit.

Idea #5. Don’t leave stress-inducing tasks for Sunday evening.

Yes, of course you should spend the weekend recharging your batteries and getting much needed rest. However, you can still sneak in some things you don’t want but need to do. Do them in small increments. For example, go grocery shopping after you’re done with your hike. Pay bills, finish up homework, or draft a few work emails earlier in the morning over a hot cup of coffee and some music before you have fun the rest of the day. Then, spend the evening relaxing, making a nice dinner, and reading that book you put on your nightstand weeks ago. Your brain will thank you.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Turn Monday into a distraction-free zone

It’s a new week and you’re back to the grind. School, work, family responsibilities, and that busy commute that promises to derail your day, again. Finally, you sit down to start working. But something catches your eye, and next thing your brain wants to do anything but work. This can happen for a number of reasons.

You’re working on something but find it hard to focus.

You don’t feel motivated to complete a task.

You’re overwhelmed with the amount of work you have to do.

You’re stressed out about something.

You’re avoiding doing something.

You feel time will go by much faster if you distract yourself.

You’re bored.

You don’t enjoy what you’re doing.

You don’t understand the value of your work.

You feel there’s plenty of time to catch up.

Sound familiar?

If you can relate to at least one of those statements, you’re pretty much a normal human being. The key to making a change is to understand the real reason for allowing yourself to be distracted on a regular basis. But this is not easy. There is something really uncomfortable about being honest with yourself and addressing the real reason WHY you do this. But when you figure it out, you’re on the right path to solving the problem that is ultimately very expensive. Why? Because distractions will cost you at least three things: time, energy, and focus.

Less time in your day. Tasks will take much longer than they need to and you’ll realize you’re constantly running out of time. You can’t manage to relax, hang out with friends, and do things outside of work and study. You’ll find yourself frazzled and overwhelmed with the amount of work you need to do.

Less energy to get things done. All these distractions you pay attention to also take energy away from you. You may feel mentally exhausted going back and forth between what distracts you and what you need to do, which can also feel like physical exhaustion at times.

Less focus on what matters. By now you’ve realized that multitasking doesn’t really work: you start a task, then the phone rings, then a family member or roommate calls you to help them with something. All this comes at a price. Scientists say that it takes the average person about 20 minutes to regain focus after a single distraction. Now multiply that by 4, 5, or 6 times this happens in one hour!

How can you do something different this Monday and go distraction-free?

#1. Visualize what you need to do.

This is a technique called building a mental model; you imagine in detail what you expect to see, learn, read, or do. It will require some imagination because you’ll imagine all the specific steps you will cover. For example, if you are studying new material in school, take a few minutes to visualize covering certain chapters, taking notes on important concepts, writing questions you will follow up on later. What’s the benefit? By telling yourself a story, you train your brain to anticipate next steps and map out the entire learning process in a way that’s easier to understand.

#2. Turn off whatever distracts you.

It’s really hard to focus on what we are currently doing because our attention moves to little things we notice around us. But when you turn off what distracts you, you have a better chance to actually do what’s important. You can try a few strategies. First, set your phone to Airplane mode when you need to focus or just turn off the volume and place it away from your desk. Next, let people around you know you won’t be available in the next few hours. Check your email and social media apps at specific intervals 2–3 times a day (the earliest should be around lunchtime, not as soon as you open your eyes in the morning). Avoid browsing the Internet or reading the daily news. Close all tabs in your browser.

#3. Reduce the noise.

If you live in a noisy environment, it pays off to invest in a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones. You don’t have to listen to your neighbors argue, or the guy down the street use the lawnmower for hours. That’s not even mentioning a family member who likes to watch TV with the volume on full blast! Instead, you can listen to music that can help you relax and improve your focus (it can be classical music, a relaxing playlist of chillout tunes, or even sounds of nature). And what if you don’t want to listen to music at all? Get a pair of soft silicone ear plugs and work in silence.

#4. Use a timer to work more efficiently.

There is no need to punish yourself by spending hours in endless studying or working without taking a single break. If you do, you will likely lose focus as well as motivation to continue. Learn how to manage your time better with a timer. When you’re ready to work, set your timer to 30 minutes. What’s the benefit? Your brain can focus in a more targeted and effective way, so it’ll be easier to work through a session once you know it’s only a limited period of time. If you want to set up even shorter working sessions, try the Pomodoro technique which consists of 25 minute blocks. Be sure to take frequent breaks of around 5-15 minutes between sessions.

#5. Calm your busy mind.

When you pay attention to distractions like noise from the street, an incoming phone call from a friend, or a YouTube video you want to watch, your mind feels busier than it needs to be. Instead of adding to the clutter, try practicing the 4–7–8 breathing exercise. It will help you quiet down the mental chatter and anxiety that comes with thinking about many things at once. First, close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a count of 4; hold your breath for a count of 7; exhale through your mouth loudly to a count of 8; repeat the cycle four times.

Join me on Medium!

Happy Friday everyone!

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I publish my writing regularly both on Quora and WordPress, less regularly on Twitter (I’ll get better at that one!), and I also collect the “best of” tips in my Growth Mindset Workbook Collection. As of this summer, I’ve added another platform to this list — Medium. I like to call it my distraction-free zone. The layout of each page is simple, clean, with no clutter of visuals, memes, or ads. For someone who thrives in a quiet environment where it’s possible to focus on reading a story, get useful information, learn something new, and write notes on things to remember, this is pure bliss!

As you know, all of my articles on Quora and WordPress are always free and easily accessible. On Medium, there are two options: you can read without becoming a member (and there’s a limit to the number of articles you can read per month) and you can get membership.

What are the benefits of becoming a member?

You give yourself the gift of ad-free, distraction-free reading.
This means no ads, no popups, no noise while you’re focused on reading your top picks. Your time is your most previous commodity, and it’s important to protect it!

You get unlimited access to all the stories on Medium.
Once you become a member, you’ll be able to read every story published on the platform — including those behind the metered paywall (marked with a ⭐️ icon on the preview).

You can show your support for good quality writing.
When you read a story for members, a portion of your membership fee goes directly to the author through the Medium Partner Program. This way, your Medium membership lets you support your favorite writers (there are many good writers out there!) and helps them earn money.

I invite you to check it all out for yourself. Of course, I will continue to write on my blog and respond to every comment you have, so keep them coming. And on Medium, I’ll focus on similar topics you read here — building self-discipline, committing to good habits, reducing procrastination, training the mind on growth and learning, and many more.

My Medium profile page can be found here.
And, you can sign up for a Medium membership here.

As always, I thank you for your continued support and words of encouragement and I appreciate you keeping me company on my writing journey! 🙌

Nela

Ten small rules for leading a better life

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I often write about developing a growth mindset — making continuous efforts over time to get better at a skill or changing a behavior if it no longer serves us. Having a growth mindset is obviously not something you wake up to one day and voilà — it magically appears out of nowhere! It takes time to cultivate it, it requires a lot of introspection and questioning why you do the things you do, and it takes having a lot of patience towards yourself.

To speed things along, it will help to set up a few simple rules you can adhere to every day so that having a growth mindset isn’t just something abstract you think about from time to time. These rules are most beneficial when they are set up by YOU, not anyone else. If you make the time to think about them, get to understand them and why they’re important, and use them as a guideline for dealing with everyday situations, they will keep you on track.

Here are 10 simple rules to keep in mind.

#1. Learn something new every day. When you are intellectually curious, your brain is constantly looking for opportunities to absorb new information that goes beyond your school curriculum, job description, or social responsibilities. Feed your curiosity by reading books, both fiction and non-fiction. Use a thesaurus to broaden your vocabulary. Watch documentaries on ancient civilizations, history and geography, and the lives of influential leaders throughout history like Cleopatra and Winston Churchill. Do some research on different ways to improve the quality of your life with positive daily habits that can keep you mentally and physically healthy.

#2. Develop and express your own opinion. Just because your friends say something is interesting, cool, boring, dull, totally acceptable or not, does not mean you need to mirror what they say or tell you to do. How can you avoid taking on opinions of other people? Practice your critical-thinking skills. Ask yourself if the topic of discussion is important to you, and if it is, why it’s important to you. If it isn’t relevant, ask yourself why you should waste time on it. Whenever you get a chance, question things. Don’t blindly accept what you’re told as the “truth.” Grow that critical thinking muscle.

#3. Be proud of what makes you different. Yes, we are all members of society and different social, national, and ethnic groups. Still, every one of us is an individual human being. Ask yourself, what makes you different? It may be your heritage, the value system you’ve been raised with, cultural background, the languages you speak, where you grew up. It may be the way you like to cook your food with a specific combination of spices. A preference for one particular author of books, a music genre, or podcast collection. It can be your singing voice. Your sketchbook or that 500-page journal where you write, draw, plan out your life. Or the way you think about your future. Pick something that you find beautiful in that mix, and nurture it every day.

#4. Build up your emotional resilience. This is an important one. Being emotionally resilient will help you better deal with negativity, obstacles, and problems you’ll face in life — and let’s face it, all of those are a part of adult life. For example, you can use it to deal with criticism and negative feedback at work or in school. Being emotionally resilient means that whenever you receive some type of negative feedback, you don’t immediately interpret it as someone being mean or malicious towards you. Learn to tell the difference between constructive criticism (when someone suggests that you do something in a different way, which gives you the opportunity to approach a problem differently) and habitual negativity (when people constantly complain and criticize no matter the topic, in which case it’s best to ignore or avoid the person altogether).

#5. Don’t be that person in your circle of friends who talks non-stop. Want to avoid being average? Don’t make constant chatter and gossip a top priority. What can help you change the behavior? First, it helps to understand that the people in your life (family, close friends, co-workers) aren’t always there and ready to listen to you. Why should they? Wisdom comes through listening and observing what is being said and even from other bits of non-verbal communication — how others behave and react. Next, listen to what people are talking about. Try to understand what they’re telling you. Focus on their words, the ideas or personal experiences they’re sharing with you. Observe their behavior. Respond when the time is right and when you can contribute to the conversation, not just for the sake of having your voice heard.

#6. Learn to respect yourself. Self-respect is critical to progress. Why? Because it is the starting point to your self-development. Often times when we hear the word “respect” we automatically think of respecting others, but respecting YOU always has to come first. What does that mean, to respect yourself? Acknowledge the value of who you are as an adult, what you are doing with your life, even who you are becoming. Value your time and your efforts because things do not come easy to you. Value your skills and what you’re good at, because you can add value to other people’s lives through your skills. Don’t take everything you’ve accomplished so far for granted. If you do, so will everyone else. Respect starts with you. Others will follow.

#7. Read — a lot. Not only articles on the Internet, or mandatory material for school or work. Read books. Big books. Novels. Books written by Nobel prize winners. Books that are considered the classics. Novels by Toni Morrison, Dostoyevsky, Tagore, Shakespeare, Hemingway, Kundera, Camus, Orwell, and others. Read biographies of influential historical figures. Read about history and politics. Explore other centuries, different points of view, characters who were challenged by circumstances similar to yours or perhaps not at all. Read to feed your brain. Read to expand your mind about what is possible.

#8. Don’t spend too much time on social media. You know how much time you spend using apps on your phone — or do you really? Maybe it’s time to find out. Your phone is your device for staying in touch and sharing information with others, so of course it’s important to you. But is it really the best use of your time to immediately start scrolling through Instagram or Tik Tok as soon as you wake up? Should you repeatedly check for notifications, text messages from friends, and news alerts throughout the day? It’s important to be aware of how much time you dedicate to these activities. Change the way you do things. Be more mindful about what you’re doing during the day.

#9. Make independence your top goal. You may be a student focused on getting a diploma and finding that first job, a professional acquiring skills necessary for your career, or an entrepreneur starting a side hustle to generate more income. Either way, you are setting a foundation for becoming an independent adult. Why is this important? When you are independent — financially, emotionally, physically — you can make choices that are right for you. Independence can mean a lot of different things. Deciding which food to eat to be more healthy. Saving up money to move to an apartment you can afford on your own. Investing time in relationships with people who pursue a growth mindset. Saying no to something that is not constructive, beneficial, or healthy for you.

#10. Become a person that others will look up to. It’s likely that throughout your life there were people who you would look up to or admire. A parent, favorite teacher, athlete, scientist, maybe entrepreneur. As you’re growing, you too can be a role model for someone else. And that’s something you can have as a life goal — becoming a person others will seek to learn more about a particular field of expertise, or someone whose friends come to when they need guidance or a warm embrace. Strive to become someone’s hero, as the Greeks called ἥρως (hērōs) — a warrior, a defender, a protector. This is what will help you live not just a life, but an extraordinary life.

How can something as abstract as philosophy help you navigate life?

That’s a really good question.

Many people believe that philosophy is everything abstract — reading books about philosophy, contemplating concepts and ideas found in those books, and staying in that thinking zone that’s far removed from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

But it doesn’t have to be that limited. There is a practical aspect to philosophy too: moving on from learning about it to applying it. We can apply any philosophy to our daily lives by building habits to reinforce it, by adopting a belief and value system if it’s important to us, by practicing critical thinking skills (deciding what is relevant to keep and practice, versus what is less relevant), and by adapting our behavior to fit the philosophy we admire.

When we practice a philosophy, we also do something that is incredibly important to our personal self-development.

We learn more about ourselves.

I’ll give one example of a philosophy that I find very useful, practical, and important to me: Stoicism. I believe it to be a philosophy that has many practical applications in our modern 21st century life.

The original Stoics — Seneca, Zeno, Marcus Aurelius, Musonius Rufus, and Epictetus to name a few — didn’t consider themselves to be exemplary human beings who preached a perfect way to live. That said, they were focused on values and finding ways to live a life of virtue, a more meaningful life, a life that is inward and not outward-focused. And to stay on the path of a virtuous life, they built habits that they would practice for years.

And that’s exactly where the practical application of a philosophy comes in. It’s about building daily habits that can help you navigate more easily through all the surprises, challenges, and obstacles you may encounter as you go through adulthood.

Using the example of Stoicism, here are three daily habits that can help you incorporate this philosophy into your daily life.

#1. Learn to embrace discomfort.

Being stoic isn’t about staying in your comfort zone. That’s the place where you’re surrounded by familiar things, people, and experiences. If you are used to studying for 12 hours at your desk, you keep doing it even if it makes you dizzy and leaves you unmotivated. If you react the same way when you have a problem at work, you continue with the same problem-solving approach even though you know the results won’t be any different. Staying in your comfort zone is the opposite of growth. As soon as you step out of it, you give yourself a chance to experience something new. Yes, you’ll experience growing pains. Yes, you’ll feel discomfort. Yes, you may feel out of place, or not knowledgeable enough, or even silly. Those are all good things. The more you get used to discomfort, the more flexible you’ll be when problem-solving. You can:

• Give yourself permission to feel. Being stoic isn’t about being in denial. You need to process your thoughts and feelings so they don’t overwhelm you. The best way to do this is by giving yourself the time to observe what you’re feeling. Are you scared? Frustrated? Feeling like you don’t belong? Dreading that you’ll fail? Acknowledge those feelings. Your awareness will benefit you.
• Learn to rely on yourself by trying to solve a problem at work or school by yourself first. If you make mistakes, it’s good. Mistakes will eventually lead you to success. You’ll figure out what works and what doesn’t. And, you won’t be dependent on others to solve your problems.
• Don’t be afraid to try a different way of overcoming an obstacle. Experiment a little. Try something new. Learn and repeat and get better at something.

#2. Get into the habit of practicing self-discipline.

This is probably the top habit to embrace if you want to practice stoicism. Why? Because putting off activities that make you feel great and give you pleasure does have its advantages. When you give yourself a healthy dose of self-discipline, you do something difficult first in order to reward yourself later. There’s even science to back this up: Stanford University’s Marshmallow Experiment shows how delayed gratification can increase your chances at succeeding in many areas of your life. You can:

• Make the most of your mornings by building a habit of doing deep work. It will help you reduce the amount of procrastination you feel when you’re trying to prep for exams or meet deadlines for work projects. Use the first 4 hours of the day to read, write, problem-solve. Your brain will be able to focus more effectively.
• Resist the usual routine of waking up and reaching for your phone to start scrolling. If you’re like most people, you probably like to check email, Twitter, funny Tik Tok videos, websites, blogs, or even games. One good way to resist this is to turn off all notifications so you don’t see them pop up every time there’s a new post somewhere.
• Leave conversations, social media, and TV activities for the evening. Once you’re done with work for the day, of course you need to rest and have fun. Hold yourself accountable and don’t do things just for the pleasure of it unless you’ve completed your daily work goals.

#3. Avoid wasting time on pointless activities.

The Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca devotes a section of his book On the Shortness of Life to this problem. Indulging in pointless activities was an issue for many people back then, too. Seneca describes gluttony, vanity, focusing on materialistic things, and trying to impress others. If you think about it, it’s not that different from our world today. There are ways to use your time more wisely. You can:

• Reduce your exposure to social media. Find a way to measure how much time you spend on Twitter, for example, and when you usually do this. Make a plan to reduce the total time and to check updates only in the evening.
• Don’t indulge in gossip and complaining when talking to friends. What would be the point, the end result of such an activity? You can’t change people’s behavior, and they won’t care about your opinion of them anyway. Find other topics that are more helpful and interesting. Use the time to learn something new from one another, tell a funny story, or share a positive experience.
• Keep one specific goal top of mind. When you’re focused on a personal or professional goal, you’re less likely to distract yourself with activities that will take you away from it. A good habit to practice each morning is to ask yourself, What is the one thing I am committed to completing today? Your answer will help your brain focus better because it won’t have to constantly evaluate and make decisions. And the rest of the day you’ll know that this is your mission and you will do what it takes to accomplish it. Just like in the words of Seneca, “Nothing happens to the wise man against his expectation.”

📖 I’ve been a big advocate of Stoicism for quite a while, so I created a workbook called 7 Ways to Practice Stoicism: Become more resilient, reduce fear and suffering, and lead a content life. It includes question prompts, a workbook section, a list of recommended reading, a weekly plan template, and an obstacle journal template. If this topic sounds interesting, you can learn more about the workbook here.