Striving for perfection (and trust me, I know what I am talking about) is not what you think.
On the outside, we may want to come across as the kind of person who knows what to do, who has everything figured out, who is exceptional at their job. But that’s optics. It’s a story we tell the world around us.
Because on the inside, we may be scared and even terrified to make mistakes, we may be full of self-doubt about what can happen if we make the wrong choice and proceed in a direction where we’re bound to slip up and fail.
So what should one do with this perfection thing?
Let. It. Go.
If you don’t, you’ll remain in the same mode of trying to catch up to some impossible image of what things should be. Or could be. Or must be — just because others have done it (or claimed so).
Instead, use your time to practice self-discipline as a tool to improve in something important to you.
You can do this in three ways:
Turn every obstacle into a playground.
It’s highly likely you will encounter obstacles in every area of your life, from professional to personal and social interactions. Instead of blaming an obstacle for not letting you reach a short or long-term goal, make it work for you. Treat it like a playground where you get to practice. Give yourself space in this playground to look at the obstacle from all different angles. Ask yourself how can you turn it into something useful for you. Find out what specifically you can learn from the obstacle that you didn’t think of before. Keep an open mind.
Avoid the blame game.
The blame game is a game you play in your mind where you start focusing on someone or something else (in other words, an external force) that controlled the situation and didn’t allow you to succeed. As soon as you start blaming, you start allowing emotions to take over — you may feel angry, hurt, resentful, sad, despondent, or even hopeless. It’s absolutely OK to acknowledge all those feelings, but instead of taking action based on the feelings, try to look at the situation from a logical point of view. Be honest. What happened that may have contributed to your failure? Write down all possible reasons in a list, whether they’re very small or super big. Then, ask yourself how you can avoid making mistakes next time. By doing this exercise, you’re exploring ways to improve as opposed to wallowing in blame and negativity.
Understand that new things don’t have to be scary. If your professor or boss recommends that you use a new resource to track your work, don’t immediately label the new thing as unnecessary, bad, or a time-waster. Obviously, it will take a bit of time to figure out how this new thing works. But the feeling of discomfort at not knowing what to do will not last long. Ask yourself, how can this resource (textbook, database, app, tool) make my job easier? What are the advantages? Where can I go to find out more about how out works? When I get better at using it, how can this expertise help me reach a bigger goal?
Wishing things for yourself is like being in a cocoon.
Think of it as your comfort zone in which you get to dream, think, imagine. It’s the space to think of a million scenarios where things go your way, you live a wonderful life, have a beautiful home, enjoy the company of a partner who is a perfect fit for you, have a job that earns an income large enough so you can live comfortably and still have enough money to go on vacations to tropical destinations of your choice.
Speaking of destinations, that’s the thing.
Your cocoon of dreaming and wishing shouldn’t be a destination in itself. It should be a starting point.
You can use that time to prioritize what are the things most important to you and your personal growth. Then you can create goals so that those wishes don’t just stay in the realm of your imagination. They can be the motivational force to move you forward into a future you can create for yourself.
The good thing about goals is that they give your dreams a sense of purpose — you have an awareness of what you desire in life, which extends beyond what’s happening in your current life. Once you know what it is you desire, you can be honest with yourself about how badly you want it.
Are you willing to give up a bad habit today so you can invest in a better life two years from now?
Can you be self-disciplined to build habits that will keep you on track toward reaching an important goal?
How will you measure your progress and stay motivated to keep going until you get there?
What do you imagine it will feel like when you do eventually reach that goal?
Those are the questions that will help you step out of the cocoon of wishes and dreams, and on to the path towards making tangible, real changes in your life.
This path includes having an action plan that consists of the following steps:
1. You think about what you want your dream life to be.
Ask yourself the following questions to define your goals properly:
Where do you want to be 1, 5, or even 10 years from now? Don’t think only geography and economy of your country, but more in terms of personal development and skill level.
Who do you want to become in your career — a leader, CEO of a startup, data analyst in a Fortune 500 company, innovator, scientist, writer?
What is your dream scenario — living a life in a specific city, becoming an expert at something, being surrounded by smart and interesting people who contribute to my personal growth and well-being?
2. You create a specific goal.
Don’t just stop at dreaming and wishing a certain lifestyle for yourself. If you’re stuck in the imaginary world, your brain won’t know what to focus on and how to take action on an idea you’re thinking about.
Non-specific goals can be anything of the following. I want to get a job, or move out of my parents’ house, or get fit, or have a large salary.
Specific goals are spelled out. For example, if you want to get a job of your dreams, write down that you want to get a job offer for a [job title you want] that pays an annual salary of [amount you believe is fair given your skills and experience] so you can develop [current skills + new skills you’re working on].
3. You see everything you do as a personal choice, not an obligation.
This is largely a mindset issue because there is a big difference between feeling forced to do something and choosing to do it.
Tell yourself, “I really want to see myself succeed at this!” The benefit? It gives you a greater sense of control about what you’re doing. That’s much better than feeling like you’re reacting to things or you have an obligation to work towards someone else’s goal (for example, a goal set by parents).
Remind yourself of the reason for action with this question: “Why am I choosing this goal?” Make the connection with the initial wishes and dreams you had for yourself at the beginning. It can be passing all exams so you can graduate from college, start your own business, earn a promotion that will help you save up more money to purchase a home, etc.
4. You schedule it in.
Set aside one hour after dinner tonight to create a schedule that will make your dreams more tangible and real.
Select your top 3 personal goals. They can be anything you’ve been dreaming about for years, or something you’ve started considering more seriously in the past year or two.
Under each goal, write down 3 things you need to do on a consistent basis. It can be to practice a skill three times a week, set aside an hour a day to focus and do research, or sign up for a class to broaden your knowledge in a field.
Create a schedule for the week ahead. Set aside blocks of time to making progress in the areas you’ve identified. Start small, with a 15–30 minute block of time. You’ll be surprised how much the time adds up without you having to give up on other things you need to do during the day.
5. You measure your progress.
After following your new goal schedule for one week, make an assessment of the progress you made. Be honest in answering the following questions:
Did some activities take more time than you anticipated? If so, why?
What was easy to do? Why do you think it wasn’t as difficult as you initially thought?
What could you have done better? Could you have started earlier in the day, turned off distractions, or used shortcuts to save time without sacrificing the quality of your work?
In what way can you improve the following week? Can you focus only on one activity to make significant progress?
How will you measure your progress? Can you set milestones to reach by the end of each week, or deadlines that will keep you on track? Will you track your progress in a spreadsheet or a bullet journal?
I think the answer is a combination of several things: understanding yourself and what you truly want, focusing less on what other people want, being realistic, holding yourself accountable, and starting with a simple question that will encourage you to take action.
This is an exercise in introspection. Allow yourself some time to focus on each element, ask yourself questions that will get your mindset on board about goal-setting, and if you’d like use this opportunity to write down your answers. This will be your blueprint for moving forward.
Ready?
Here are the 5 steps.
STEP 1. Think about which goals are the right fit for you.
You may initially think that every goal you currently have set for yourself is a right fit. But what if that’s not the case? It often happens that while we’re thinking about goals, we get distracted by what we hear. It’s inevitable — sooner or later you will hear other people give you advice and share their ideas of what they want you to do, what they discourage you from doing, and who they want you to become (this goes for professional and personal life, and even your role in the community you live in). This is exactly why it’s important to separate a goal that you truly want for yourself, from a goal that was suggested by or imposed by someone else — a family member, best friend, partner, or even someone you don’t know personally but admire and follow on social media.
Ask yourself:
Is this someone else’s goal? If it is, it won’t be realistic for you and your specific personal or professional aspirations. And if it’s not realistic for you, then you will have a difficult time being motivated to work on it.
If it’s my goal, how much do I care about reaching it? Is it something I’ve always wanted for myself, but was afraid to admit it? Is it a goal that, once I reach it, will give me more confidence and boost my life experience?
STEP 2. Think big and think forward.
Thinking big means exactly that — consider everything you would ideally want for yourself in life. You can call it creating the “big picture” of your life. Of course, this is the best case scenario, the ideal version, something you may have dreamt about since you were younger. Thinking forward is the second part — it’s not necessarily what you hope to achieve in six months or a year from now, but what you would like your life to be in a decade or two.
Ask yourself:
WHERE do I see myself in the future five or ten years from today? It doesn’t have to mean a specific geographical region, city, or country; it’s more about where you see yourself in terms of personal development and types of skills you want to have.
WHO do I want to become? Yes, it can be who you want to become professionally (CFO of a Fortune 100 company, college professor, professional athlete, business owner, chef); also, it can be the type of role you want to have in your community (organizer, leader, event planner, problem-solver, mentor).
WHAT is my ideal life scenario? Do I dream of living in a specific city or country, would I like to live with a partner and have a family, do I see myself as an expert in a particular field of expertise, what kind of social circle do I want to belong to, what does my version of work-life balance look like?
STEP 3. Put it in writing.
Now that you’ve given this topic some thought, it’s time to start writing things down. Here’s where you’ll turn your ideas about goals into specific steps you’ll take to make them feel more tangible and real. For this section of the exercise, you will need more time. I suggest you take a couple of hours one evening or weekend when you can write without distractions. Keeping your mind on what’s important will be critical to making progress.
Write down the following:
Your top 3 goals. They can be long-term goals you have been considering for years (but haven’t yet done anything about), a few professional goals you identified in the past year or two and maybe started working on for a while, or several goals you came up with as you’ve started this exercise.
Under each goal, write 3 things you need to do consistently to achieve it. This can mean practicing a skill three times a week, setting aside an hour a day for research, or taking an online class to earn a certificate or diploma you can add to your resume.
Make a schedule for the week. It doesn’t help to keep thinking about what needs to be done; it’s best to write the schedule and block off time to make progress in the areas you’ve identified. Keep it realistic. If this week you don’t have a lot of free time, schedule 30 minutes for an activity. It may not sound like a significant amount, but you’ll be surprised how much that time adds up without having to give up other activities you already know you’ll have to do.
STEP 4. Think about accountability.
If you’re working on something, it should all add up — in other words, it will help if you measure your success. If you don’t evaluate your efforts, how will you know if you’re on the right track? After following your new schedule for one week, assess how much progress you made.
Ask yourself:
Which activities were easy? What contributed to making them easy?
Which activities took more time than Ianticipated? Why did they take as long?
What areas can I improve on? For example, if I run out of time, which shortcuts can I try?
How much extra time can I dedicate to this? For example, can I add 30 more minutes to my schedule so I don’t feel rushed?
How will I measure my success? Can I set milestones for each week, create deadlines for myself, have a monthly recap of what went well and how much closer I am to my goals?
STEP 5. Encourage yourself to take action with one simple question.
This is a mini habit you can practice first thing in the morning. It shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes. Start the day by asking yourself, “What is the ONE THING I am committed to completing today?” It’s a question I’ve been asking for many years and it has helped me to stay focused and prioritize only what’s the most important, without wasting time on evaluating many options and distracting myself with them.
Practice this habit by doing the following:
Write the question in large letterson a sheet of paper. Hang the paper on your bedroom or bathroom wall. The important part is that you can easily see it as you’re brushing your teeth or getting ready.
Read it out loudin the morning. Come up with an answer on the spot. The trick is to get your eyes on it so that it becomes second nature and you don’t even think about having to glance over to it any more.
Think about your answer throughout the day. When you keep it top of mind, you won’t get easily distracted.
📘Goal-setting is one of the most popular topics on Quora, and I’ve written extensively about them for the past seven years. That’s why I created a workbook outlining these tips called 5 Ideas for Setting Realistic Goals. It’s a 35-page printable book with step-by-step instructions, templates, and a list of recommended reading materials. Learn more about it on this page of my blog.
Whether you’re aware of it or not, you already are self-disciplined in some areas of your life. Maybe you have your breakfast at the same time each morning, or you set aside a few hours last night to prepare for an important work meeting. The question is how important is self-discipline to you, and what are some ways to boost it in your daily life.
I found it helpful to think of it like this: you can increase self-discipline if you:
Limit your excuses. It’s something we all do. There isn’t enough time in the day, I woke up too late, I need to treat myself after a long day at work. If you want to get serious about self-discipline, treat your excuses as your enemy. They are what’s standing between you and taking action, between you and seeing results. Are they really worth it? Identify what is preventing you from moving forward and assess whether that reason is big enough (or important enough) to derail your day. Once you make the time to look at your excuse calmly and rationally, you’ll figure out how to reduce it and pay less attention to it.
Find a SME (subject matter expert). This can be anyone, from someone you know in your social network to a well-known person like a podcast host, public speaker, or athlete. The key to finding the right SME is to look for someone whose traits, habits, and lifestyle you admire. It should be someone who is a thought leader, someone who has achieved mastery in their field, and someone who has more experience under their belt. Then start reading and listening to what they have to say. Subscribe to their blog, Twitter account, Quora profile, or podcast — and follow what they say every day. By absorbing their learnings and life experience, you’ll set yourself up to get on the same path.
Identify what you want and write it down. More often than not, we make grand statements like, I want to have a million dollars or I want to be an expert in my field or I want to win this competition. But those statements are too abstract; it’s as if we are chasing a vague image that’s somewhere on the horizon, but we don’t actually know what it is. Make your goals reachable by tightening them up. Start with a list where you brainstorm all the possibilities. Be as specific as possible. If you want a higher-paying job, write down the role you want and a specific number for a salary (“I want to work as a senior data analyst at company X and earn an annual income of… “). If you want to get fit and lose weight, write down what that will take (“I want to lose 20 pounds by October, which means I’ll change my diet and work out Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays.”).
Start small. If you are feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things you need to do to reach a goal, you’re not alone. Most of us feel this way. This is why it is so important to start the journey with a very small habit — the smaller it is, the greater the chance it will stick. A good way to do this is to select one of the goals from your list and start there. This doesn’t mean you’ll ignore everything else, but rather that you’re helping your brain focus on the goal most important to you right now. Next, find a small block of time where you’ll do something to get you moving in the direction of the goal. For example, if your goal is to lose weight, start by turning on the timer for 15 minutes and going outside for a brisk walk around your neighborhood.
Turn your timer into your best self-discipline tool. Locate the timer on your mobile phone (usually it’s in the built-in clock app). Or, get a multi-timer app which you can customize for different recurring habits (working out, meal prep, house chores, reading, cooking, etc.). Make it a point never to start working on anything without setting a timer. It’s an excellent tool to keep you focused, better manage your time, strategize the day by prioritizing tasks, and even help you feel more relaxed and less worried about “all that work you must do.” Have to clean the house? Set the timer for 15 minutes and see how much you can do in one go. Want to review for your exam? Set the timer for 25 minutes (that’s the length of one Pomodoro session), then take a break.
Keep the same schedule every day. You won’t achieve greater self-discipline if you work early one day, then leave the same work for the evening of the next day. If you’re going to build better habits and make them stick, train your brain to do the same type of work at the same time. Learn more about the circadian rhythm (our natural biorhythm) to maximize your morning, afternoon, and evening. For example, most people reach their peak cognitive performance up to 4 hours after waking up, which may be the best time for complex cognitive activities like studying, reading, writing, and problem-solving. If you typically spend mornings answering emails, you may want to rethink how you’re using that time and if you can save email checking for later in the day.
Track everything in a bullet journal. It’s one thing to say you’re making progress on a goal or improving a habit. But how do you actually know that you are? Let’s say that three years from today you’ll find yourself struggling to make progress on a goal very similar to the one you’re working on right now. Wouldn’t it be great if the recipe for success were right there, written out like a formula in a notebook? That’s where the bullet journal comes in handy. It is a dedicated journal where you track what you’re doing every day. You can create a monthly and weekly grid, and then map out your time into the smallest increments (hourly or less). This is something you can prepare for the month ahead on a Saturday morning before the new month begins. When you have your plan written out, all you need to do is stick to it, mark everything, and even jot down a few notes on what went well that day, or what didn’t go as planned. That way you are documenting every step to learn from it, and to show your future self how exactly to achieve the result you want.
⏱🏃🏾♂️🗓 If you are interested in this topic, I put together an e-book package called My Complete Self-Discipline Kit (Workbook + Journal). You can learn more about it here.
If you ask me, I don’t believe “one should follow their dreams” is useful advice.
It’s generic. It’s abstract. And most likely, it’s something people hear other people say and then repeat it. The advice doesn’t pertain to you specifically, or to your life situation, or to the things you deeply care about.
Going down the path of talking about dreams when it comes to the rest of your life is a tricky thing. Why? Because dreams could be anything that comes from your subconscious (the dreams you experience when you’re sleeping) or your imagination (daydreaming of an ideal scenario in the distant future that gives you pleasure). The thing to keep in mind is that your dreams may change, they may fluctuate over time as you grow up, and may take a back seat as you’re trying to figure out how to pass exams, graduate from school, get a job. Priorities, responsibilities, and daily tasks can easily take over.
In contrast, when you say that you don’t know what you want to achieve, it’s not a question of dreaming — it’s about a lack of goals. And here’s where things get more interesting. This is a topic that’s much more tangible and real. Why? Because goals have the potential to change your entire life if you know how to set them. A goal is a conscious effort you make over an extended period of time to achieve a specific end result. The key here is in setting a goal that is specific, realistic, attainable, and the right fit for you — not a replica of a goal set by other people like your friends, parents, grandparents, cousins, teachers, or anyone else in your social circle.
Instead of thinking about following your dreams, it’s a better use of your time to figure out which goals are beneficial for the future version of you.
To do that, you can:
👉🏾 Think about what you want your future life to be.
Ask yourself the following questions to define your goals properly:
Where do you want to be 1, 5, or even 10 years from now? Don’t think only geography and economy of your country, but more in terms of personal development and skill level.
Who do you want to become in your career — a leader, CEO of a startup, data analyst in a Fortune 500 company, innovator, scientist, entrepreneur?
What is your ideal scenario — living a life in a big city or smaller town, becoming an expert at something, managing your own business, traveling frequently for work or staying mostly at home, leading an active social life or having a smaller circle of friends?
👉🏾 Create a specific goal instead of thinking in an abstract way.
Don’t just stop at dreaming and wishing a certain lifestyle for yourself. If you’re stuck in the imaginary world, your brain won’t know what to focus on and how to take action on an idea you’re thinking about.
Non-specific goals can be anything of the following. I want to get a job, or move out of my parents’ house, or get fit, or have a large salary.
Specific goals are spelled out. For example, if you want to get a job of your dreams, write down that you want to get a job offer for a [job title you want] that pays an annual salary of [amount you believe is fair given your skills and experience] so you can develop [current skills + new skills you’re working on].
👉🏾 Tell yourself that what you decide to do is a personal choice, not an obligation.
Say, “I really want to see myself succeed at this!” The benefit? It gives you a greater sense of control about what you’re doing. That’s much better than feeling like you’re reacting to things or you have an obligation to work towards someone else’s goal (for example, a goal set by parents).
Remind yourself of the reason for your decision by asking, “Why am I choosing this goal?” Make the connection with the initial wishes and dreams you had for yourself at the beginning. It can be passing all exams so you can graduate from college, start your own business, earn a promotion that will help you save up more money to purchase a home, etc.
👉🏾 Make your goal actionable.
Set aside one hour after dinner tonight to create a plan of action that will make your goals more tangible and real.
Select your top 3 personal goals. They can be anything you’ve been dreaming about for years, or something you’ve started considering more seriously in the past year or two.
Under each goal, write down 3 things you need to do on a consistent basis. It can be to practice a skill three times a week, set aside an hour a day to focus and do research, or sign up for a class to broaden your knowledge in a field.
Create a schedule for the week ahead. Set aside blocks of time to making progress in the areas you’ve identified. Start small, with a 15–30 minute block of time. You’ll be surprised how much the time adds up without you having to give up on other things you need to do during the day.
👉🏾 Measure your progress consistently.
After following your new goal schedule for one week, make an assessment of the progress you made. Be honest in answering the following questions:
Did some activities take more time than you anticipated? If so, why?
What was easy to do? Why do you think it wasn’t as difficult as you initially thought?
What could you have done better? Could you have started earlier in the day, found an efficient way to turn off what distracts you, used shortcuts to save time without sacrificing the quality of your work?
In what way can you improve the following week? Can you focus only on one activity to make significant progress?
How will you measure your progress? Can you set milestones to reach by the end of each week or deadlines to stay on track? Will you track progress in a spreadsheet or a bullet journal?
Procrastination is often connected to a feeling of overwhelm. Instead of overwhelming yourself with a long list of all the goals you want to achieve, make it easier to take action by following small steps every day.
Small steps like what?
Here are 5 examples.
✅ Start the morning with a sense of purpose.
Most people wake up and instead of focusing on goals they set for themselves, they immediately start reacting to their day. They pick up their phone, start responding to emails and text messages, then rush because time is running out and they need to get to work or school. This doesn’t leave much time to think about goals, right? Instead, you can structure your mornings so you immediately know what is important to do that will give your day a greater sense of purpose. This is possible by creating your own morning routine.
How to do it?
Hack your morning alarm. Create an alarm that gets you out of bed. Pick a ring tone that’s unusual but not irritating, make a recording of your own voice saying a positive message, or queue up some music that you find uplifting and energizing and schedule it to play when you want to wake up.
Meditate to reset your brain. It can help you cope better with the thousands of random thoughts that occupy you throughout the day and may contribute to your feeling stressed, rushed, and overwhelmed. I started this practice with the Headspace app and one session only took 10 minutes; it’s easy for absolute beginners.
Give yourself energy with a short workout. It can be a morning yoga routine, a set of sun salutation poses or a 20-minute power walk. It won’t take a lot of time, but you’ll feel the benefits for hours.
✅ Create a mini goal by asking, “What is the ONE THING I am committed to completing today?”
While big life goals are certainly important to set for oneself, you need to start somewhere today. As for me, this small habit has helped me boost focus very early in the morning, and it has helped to set the tone for the entire day. This question simplifies my life, it helps my brain focus better, it makes me prioritize goals, and it streamlines my work so I don’t feel overwhelmed about having to accomplish too many things in a single day.
How to do it?
Write the question in big letterson a sheet of paper. Then hang it on your bedroom or bathroom wall. The important part is that you can easily see it as you’re brushing your teeth or getting ready.
Read it out loudas you start each day. Come up with an answer on the spot. The trick is to get your eyes on it so that it becomes second nature and you don’t even think about having to glance over to it any more.
Keep your answer top of mindas you go about your day. When you keep thinking about your answer, you’re less likely to get distracted by other things that might take you away from what’s important to you. Your answer will be a constant reminder of what’s your top priority.
✅ Do your “deep work” first.
You’re probably already doing deep work but you may not know it by that name. Deep work is any kind of analytical thinking that requires the most concentration, such as reading, writing, analyzing or problem solving. I’ve noticed that when I switched to doing my deep work early, my focus improved so I actually needed less time to complete tough cognitive tasks. In addition, I use my finite reserves of willpower to get the toughest tasks done first, so I don’t run out of energy and motivation.
How to do it?
Set aside 2-4 hours after you wake up. Many scientists say that this is the brain’s peak performance time. If, for example, you wake up at 7, your peak times are between 9 and 11 a.m. You can extend this time to whenever you have lunch, around midday, if you want to maximize your peak performance hours.
Keep a log for one week to keep track of what you do during your peak times.Are you focusing on your important mental tasks? Are you learning new material, solving complex problems, reading, or writing? For most people, this time is usually spent commuting to work, checking email, making phone calls, watching or listening to the news, chatting with co-workers or attending meetings.
Re-create your peak brain performance time. Think of how you can rearrange the things you do early that are less important to your personal and professional development. If you like to stay on top of the latest news, do it on your lunch break. If there are emails waiting in your inbox, choose a few blocks of time to go over them, but don’t check them every few minutes.
✅ Give yourself time to think about your big picture.
Distractions don’t always come in the shape of mobile phones, TV, or friends knocking on your door asking you to join them for a night on the town. Often, life itself is distracting enough to get us sidetracked from our goals. The day is filled with numerous tasks: shopping for groceries, running to the post office, getting to the gym before it closes, and spending family time in the evenings. This doesn’t mean life isn’t important, but not all those activities are directly related to what you want to achieve in your life. You should think about your big picture on a regular basis.
How to do it?
Set aside one evening each week to contemplate your big picture. I usually take an afternoon on weekends to workshop these topics, and I always write my thoughts in list format in a notebook. You can also create this ritual by dedicating a few hours, along with a cup of coffee or tea, to contemplating your goals.
Ask yourself questions to help you clearly define your goals. Where do I want to be 1, 5, 10 years from now? Don’t think only geography (although it’s OK to include that topic), but think more in terms of personal development and skill level. Who do I want to become — a professor, painter, chef, VP of a startup, writer?
Define your dream life scenario in detail. Don’t keep your goals or your future abstract to the point that you don’t know what you’ll need to do to get there. What’s that dream life like for you? Does it entailliving in a specific city, having a partner, becoming an expert at something, being surrounded by smart and interesting people who share your values and growth mindset?
✅ Treat your time as your most valuable commodity.
If we want to focus on anything — from a personal goal to a relationship to a particular skill we’d like to master — there’s one thing we need in order to keep that focus: time. Maybe you don’t pay much attention to it right now, but you should. If you allow phone calls, random text messages, Tik Tok, Instagram, Snapchat, TV shows, or those dozens of emails in your inbox to monopolize your day, you won’t have time to do anything truly extraordinary. Treat your time better and be more selective about how you spend it.
How to do it?
Turn off all notifications on your mobile phone. There’s no need to always be “on” and to keep track of every single update on any number of apps you have installed on your phone. Leave the phone until you have time to read what’s interesting, especially after you’re done with your most important work of the day.
Check email and social media apps 2–3 times a day. I make sure to do this around midday, later in the afternoon, and evening. You can schedule this time too: for example, do it during your lunch break, when you have a cup of coffee in the afternoon, or when you’re relaxing early in the evening after classes or work.
Close all tabs in your browser. Whenever you have all those websites a fingertip away, you’re more likely to take a peek. if you don’t need your computer to work on something, turn it off and focus on what’s in front of you. The important thing is to create a clean, distraction-free working zone that will make it easier for you to focus on your goals. If you don’t, no one else will. So make that small change today, and start thinking about what matters most to you.
✏️📖 I get asked many questions about goal-setting on Quora, so I created a workbook based on these tips called 5 Ideas for Setting Realistic Goals. It’s a 35-page printable book with step-by-step instructions, templates, and a list of recommended reading materials. You can learn more about it here.
I suggest that you expand this question a bit more to say:
How can we figure out what we want to be in the future, and are we prepared to do what it takes to become that?
Because if you only answer the first part of the question (how can we figure it out), it’s not enough. Maybe today you have an idea of what you want to be that’s different from what you wanted last year. Or maybe you want something your best friend wants because it sounds cool, but you don’t really spend any time thinking about whether it’s the right thing for you. Most important — saying what you want is only half the story. You have to create a plan and follow through so your story turns into something tangible and real.
Does that make sense?
If you rephrase the question, you give yourself the space to really get into it.
So how do you figure out what you want and whether you’re prepared to do whatever it takes?
Here are my 5 recommendations.
👉🏾 Get your goals in order.
Having a realistic, specific, and important goal is one of the most critical factors that can help you build a meaningful future. With goals, everything you do in your day to day life will start feeling like it has a greater sense of purpose. You won’t see your actions as inconsequential or isolated ones. Quite the opposite: everything you do will start to add up to something much bigger.
How do you do that?
Identify specific goals. If your goals sound abstract, you won’t have much to work with. Non-specific goals can be any of the following: I want to get a job, live alone, get fit, lose weight, or have a large salary. Instead, make your goal as specific as possible. For example, if you’re starting a job search, write down that you want to get a job offer for a specific role that pays an annual salary of [write an amount you believe is fair given your skills and experience] so you can develop skills [write the skills you currently have and the ones you will be working on].
Train your brain to focus on the immediate future. Who can be motivated to do anything if they don’t believe it can add up to something big and important? To make a connection between what you are doing each day with your future self, try this simple mind hack. Start each day with this question: What is the one thing I am committed to completing today? Asking it forces you to prioritize, helps your brain focus better, and streamlines the work you need to do so you don’t feel overwhelmed.
Hold yourself accountable. This means you start being responsible for your actions. A good way to improve self-responsibility is by building commitments to yourself. How? Define a very specific goal you want to achieve in a certain time frame. For example, I am committed to focusing on my studies in the next 30 days so I can pass all three of my exams with top marks. Or, I am committed to building my physical endurance by running 4 times a week for 3 months so that I can run a 5K race.
👉🏾 Work on your core skill set.
You probably have a good idea of skills you’ve already developed in the past 10 or 20 years. Still, there are other skills you’ve identified as important, or in your vision of the future, the better you is an expert or master in a specific field of expertise! This is why it’s important to identify and develop the core skill set that will help your better self.
How do you do that?
Identify skills you need to succeed in your dream career, current job, or athletic discipline. Take the time to come up with ideas and don’t rush through this step. You might want to go on a walk, hike, or bike ride and use one day this weekend to devote to this activity. The first step is to just brainstorm: think of all the possible skills you will need. Then, when you have a good list in your mind, sit in a quiet place with a pen and paper, and write down a list of all the skills, then select the top 3 that you want to focus on.
Create a skill-building plan. What’s the point of having ideas if there isn’t an action plan to make them come alive? Building new skills takes time. Tolstoy didn’t write Anna Karenina in a day. Nikola Tesla didn’t work on developing the modern alternating current (AC) electricity supply system or wireless communication in a single month. As for you, where can you begin? Take those top 3 skills you’ve selected, then create a plan to devote time each day to them, even if that means only 15 minutes in the beginning.
Practice each skill consistently. It’s one thing to create a plan, and another to put that plan into action. Put your planned time on your calendar and set reminders so you don’t forget what you set for yourself. When you’re working on a skill, make sure it’s deep work — focus on it without interruptions and do not multitask. Keep going even as you make mistakes; if you don’t make mistakes, you are not doing it right!
👉🏾 Develop good habits in small, simple steps.
Why? If you make your habits super complicated, you might only work on them for a week or two. Did you notice what happens in January each year when people come up with New Year resolutions, especially those related to fitness? There are many people running in the neighborhood and the gyms in the area are packed. But by the end of the month, most of them have already given up because their goals were too lofty and habits too complicated to keep up. You can approach this problem differently.
How do you do that?
Start with small steps. Practice super short activities that are not only doable but easy to fit into your day so you won’t be able to make excuses for avoiding them. For example, if you’re improving your writing skills, start by writing a paragraph or two each day. If you’re learning a new language, start by learning how to introduce yourself in a sentence or two. If you want to lose 10 pounds, start by going on a 30-minute walk after work to get you in the workout frame of mind.
Make it impossible to say no. If it takes a long time to start something new, chances are you’ll give up quickly, maybe even after a week of trying. That’s why it’s important to keep a new habit as simple as possible. For example, do a mini-workout at home for 10 minutes every day this month, instead of giving up on working out just because your gym is a 30-minute bus ride away.
Prepare what you need. You’ll have a much better chance at achieving success if you’re prepared for action. If you’re overwhelmed and exhausted from studying, go to bed 30 minutes earlier than usual to give yourself time to de-stress and relax with a good book or soothing music. If you want to stop making unhealthy choices for lunch, prepare and pack your meal the night before so you don’t have to grab a burger at a fast food place when you’re starving.
👉🏾 Say “thank you” for what you have in your life right now.
This one is VERY important. Why? Because practicing gratitude trains your brain to focus on positive things and makes you think of what you already have in your life, as opposed to what you do not. Being grateful will also keep you grounded in your personal life so you are less focused or even obsessed with what others (friends, classmates, people you follow on Instagram) are doing with theirs.
How do you do that?
Do it early in the day. It will only take a few minutes when you wake up and before you start getting ready for work or school. You may want to write your thoughts down in a journal, or think about them silently, or say your thoughts out loud. It’s up to you.
Start small. Focus on 3 things you are grateful for today. It can be having a warm bed to sleep in; a family member or friend who you trust and who encourages you to become the best version of yourself; food in your fridge; the opportunity to focus on your education so that you can take charge of your life and become independent.
Be as specific as possible. If it’s one person you’re grateful for having in your life, emphasize which qualities you are grateful for (they’re warm, intelligent, helpful in giving advice, or incredibly funny). If it’s having your own space, point out why this is important to you (you have your own room or apartment to relax at the end of the day, and devote yourself to activities important to your personal growth).
👉🏾 Practice developing the right mindset.
More often than not, over time we start talking to ourselves more and more in a critical way. We may not even be aware of it, but there’s a lot of negativity that we absorb from listening to other people and the way they talk. And let’s face it, most of the time people are negative in the way they view the world and especially themselves. As a result, whenever we engage in negative self-talk ourselves or give in to self-doubt, we become our biggest critic. That won’t help us achieve the future we want! So how can you move beyond that negative way of thinking? By changing your mindset, bit by bit, each day.
How do you do that?
Develop a growth mindset. In a nutshell, a growth mindset means you stretch yourself to learn something new every day, challenge yourself to solve tough problems, and work consistently until you improve. Instead of telling yourself what you can or cannot do, what you’re talented at, or how you feel stupid whenever you try doing it (all of which is a fixed mindset way of thinking), start expanding your horizons by saying, What if I tried getting better at this every day, in small steps?
Grow your critical thinking muscle. Yes, there’s a big difference between being self-critical and using your critical thinking skills. As you experience life and the world around you, it’s important not take everything you see and hear for granted, but rather learn how to think on your own. Start by asking open-ended questions that begin with why and how. Take from the information you receive what is important to you (based on your own personal goals, values, and priorities). When someone offers you advice ask yourself, does it align with my personal values? How would I benefit from following this advice, or is it not useful to me?
Turn obstacles into opportunities. When we encounter an obstacle, it’s a default reaction to feel frustrated, angry, sad, or helpless. As a result, we may quit and never find out what would’ve happened if we kept going. Instead of the emotional reaction, work through the challenge so you can get stronger mentally. Write down the problem and why it happened. Consider all possible solutions and their pros and cons. Make a decision based on the information you know, then act on it. Doing this will help you see yourself as stronger and more powerful version of yourself.
📖✏️ I created a workbook on this topic called Best Version of Myself — a printable, 30-page growth mindset workbook consisting of five chapters. Each chapter has a brief introduction, checklist of tips, in-depth explanation of each tip, question prompts, and a workbook section for writing down your answers. Learn more about it here.
Goals vs. greed — where should you focus your energy?
It’s important to differentiate between these two concepts.
Goals are an idea of the future, an objective that you hope to achieve, especially when much time and effort will be needed.
Greed is a selfish or excessive desire for more than what you need or deserve, especially in matters of money, wealth, food, or other possessions.
Do you see the difference?
More than having patience (which is also important), I think it’s critical for you to take a closer look at the goals you set for yourself. Specifically, you need to understand where they come from and why they’re important to you, rather than let greed drive your pursuit of those goals.
Here are a few things that can be helpful.
Choose specific and realistic goals. Don’t make your goals vague or abstract. Non-specific goals can be anything of the following: I want to get rich, I want to be a CEO of a company, I want to be much skinnier, I want to have money to travel the world. Instead, make your goal as specific as possible. For example, if you’re looking for your next job, write down that you want to get a job offer for a [ job title you want] that pays an annual salary of [amount you believe is fair given your skills and experience] so you can develop [current skills and new skills you’re working on].
Find goals that are the right fit for you. Often when we are busy thinking about goals, we get distracted by things other people tell us or show us. Usually this comes in the shape of an Instagram post showing off a lavish lifestyle or well-intended advice from a parent telling you who they want you to become (a doctor, an engineer, the next in line to run the family business). It’s important to separate a goal that you truly want for yourself from a goal that was set by someone else. Ask yourself, is this someone else’s goal? If it’s mine, how deeply do I care about reaching it and is this for all the right reasons?
Make sure the goals fit into the big picture of your life. I believe that the big picture of our life lurks somewhere in our thoughts, even if we don’t think about it or aren’t aware of it all the time. But it’s there. The big picture is the ideal version, the ultimate version, the scenario you dream about. To move it from a dream to a possible scenario, ask yourself what you want in your future: Where do I want to be 5, 10, even 20 years from now? Who do I want to become — an entrepreneur, scientist, innovator, chef, writer? Get as specific as possible about the kind of lifestyle and career you want.
Take one step every day in the right direction. It’s easy to set ourselves up for disappointment if we want one thing (I want to get rich quick), then let it go and do absolutely nothing to make it happen. See? Nothing is happening. There’s no money coming my way. I might as well give up on it. Who’s motivated to proceed if they don’t believe it even matters in the long run? To make a connection between what you are doing today with your future self, start each day with this question: What is the ONE THING I am committed to completing today? Asking it forces you to prioritize, helps your brain focus better, and streamlines the work you need to do so you don’t feel overwhelmed and can focus better on what’s most important to you.
Hold yourself accountable. Instead of setting yourself up for disappointment, be responsible for your actions and what you choose to do each day to get closer to a goal. A good way to improve self-responsibility is by building commitments to yourself. How? Define a very specific goal you want to achieve in a certain time frame — it can be days, weeks, or months. The point of having a time frame is that you create a milestone you want to reach, so you know you’re staying on track. For example, I am committed to find a side hustle in the next 30 days that will create an additional source of income to boost my earnings. Or, I am committed to waking up at 6 a.m. for the next two weeks so I have time to finish my most challenging work early in the day when it’s really quiet and I don’t have anything to distract me.
📖✏️ I created a workbook based on these steps called 5 Ideas for Setting Realistic Goals. It’s a 35-page printable book with step-by-step instructions, tips, templates, and a list of recommended reading materials. You can learn more about it here.
That depends on how much you’re engaged in creating a fantasy, versus setting attainable and realistic goals for yourself.
The picture you’re creating seems full of contrasts. On the one side, you’re talking about aspirational thinking and creating a desirable version of yourself. On the other, you’re forecasting bitter and inevitable disappointment.
Why do you think you’ll be disappointed in the end?
There’s a lot to uncover there.
The way I see it, it’s a better use of your time to take a closer look at the goals you set for yourself to better understand where they come from and why they’re important to you. Once you understand the WHY, it’s easier to approach the HOW part of the equation.
So how do you go from aspirational thinking to creating an actionable plan to reach your goals?
Here are a few things to think about.
Identify goals that are specific and realistic. Don’t make your goals vague, far fetched, or unbelievable — because you need to believe the goals you set for yourself if you truly want to turn them into a reality. Non-specific goals can be anything of the following: I want to be a millionaire, I want to be a CEO, I want to be much skinnier than I am now, I want to have my own business and travel the world. Instead, make your goal as specific as possible. For example, if you’re looking for your next job, write down that you want to get a job offer for a [ job title you want] that pays an annual salary of [amount you believe is fair given your skills and experience] so you can develop [current skills and new skills you’re working on].
Ask yourself if these goals are the right fit for you. Quite often when we are busy thinking about goals, we get distracted by things other people tell us or show us. Usually this comes in the shape of an Instagram post showing off a lavish lifestyle or well-intended advice from a parent telling you who they want you to become (a doctor, an engineer, the next in line to run the family business). It’s important to separate a goal that you truly want for yourself from a goal that was set by someone else. Ask yourself, is this someone else’s goal? If it’s mine, how deeply do I care about reaching it?
Consider if the goals fit into the big picture of your life. I believe that the big picture of our life lurks somewhere in our thoughts, even if we don’t think about it or aren’t aware of it all the time. But it’s there. The big picture is the ideal version, the ultimate version, the scenario you dream about. To move it from a dream to a possible scenario, ask: If I am completely honest with myself, where do I want to be 5, 10, even 20 years from now? Who do I want to become — an entrepreneur, scientist, innovator, chef, writer? Get as specific as possible about the kind of lifestyle and career you want.
Make every day count. It’s easy to set ourselves up for disappointment if we want one thing, then do absolutely nothing to make it happen. See? Nothing is happening. The goal is unreachable after all. How disappointing! Who is motivated to proceed if they don’t believe in their goal? To make a connection between what you are doing today with your future self, start each day with this question: What is the ONE THING I am committed to completing today? Asking it forces you to prioritize, helps your brain focus better, and streamlines the work you need to do so you don’t feel overwhelmed and can focus better on what’s most important to you.
Hold yourself accountable. Instead of setting yourself up for disappointment, be responsible for your actions and what you choose to do each day to get closer to a goal. A good way to improve self-responsibility is by building commitments to yourself. How? Define a very specific goal you want to achieve in a certain time frame — it can be days, weeks, or months. The point of having a time frame is that you create a milestone you want to reach, so you know you’re staying on track. For example, I am committed to focusing on my studies in the next 30 days so I can pass my exams with the ultimate goal of graduating college and getting a job. Or, I am committed to working out every morning at 7 a.m. so that I can build up my physical endurance and be prepared for the marathon I signed up for that’s in 6 months.
📖✏️ If you’re finding the whole process of goal-setting a challenge, I created a workbook based on these steps called 5 Ideas for Setting Realistic Goals. It’s a 35-page printable book with step-by-step instructions, tips, templates, and a list of recommended reading materials. You can learn more about it here.
You’re absolutely right — there’s a strong connection between being responsible and self-disciplined.
But most people don’t see it.
Why? Because they’re focused on the concept of self-discipline in a negative way. They see it as a form of self-punishment, as something uncomfortable and a chore they must complete, perhaps because they’re shown on social media it is something they “must” also practice.
But let’s be honest: if you do something just because others say it’s important, it’s not going to stick.
Instead, it’s more beneficial to consider what being self-disciplined will afford you. Being treated as an adult, for one. Being taken seriously. Maybe even admired and followed — because you can lead by example of what a disciplined person does in their day-to-day life.
And, even more important, having the freedom to design the kind of life you want for yourself. Making the most of your day, instead of letting the hours just slip by. Pursuing goals important to you, instead of following other people and imitating what they do. Getting better at skills that will improve the quality of your work, instead of doing things over and over even if they don’t amount up to much. Knowing how to focus and get stuff done sooner, instead of allowing apps on your phone to distract you from your life.
It sounds like an important skill, a habit, even a way of life!
But how do you implement it?
Here are five ways in which you can practice it in your daily life.
👉🏾 Narrow down your focus.
The way you start any day will set the tone to whatever you do, try to do, want to do, and then actually do. You can choose to be reactive, which can mean you wake up, get your phone, start checking emails, read the news on Twitter. If you’d like to create a different beginning to your day, get proactive by training your brain to be focused as soon as you wake up.
How would you do this?
Start your day with this question: What is the one thing I am committed to completing today? This technique trains your brain to focus on identifying goals that are important to you and forces you to prioritize the single goal you believe to be the most relevant in this moment. How? Put it in writing. Write it in large letters on a sheet of paper and hang it on your bedroom or bathroom wall. Read it out loud as you start your day, for example as you’re brushing your teeth or getting ready for work or school. Come up with an answer on the spot and answer it out loud. Then follow up by taking action — focus your energy throughout the day to completing your one thing.
👉🏾 Know when to do your “deep work.”
When it comes to work, timing — just like in most other aspects of your life — is everything. Being self-disciplined means you do deep work (concentrating on complex cognitive tasks such as studying, problem-solving, writing) first before you do anything for pleasure. It means you set aside a certain time of day for work, and then leave other times for entertainment and socializing.
How would you do this?
Make the most of your mornings by building a habit of doing your deep work early. Take full advantage of your circadian rhythm (your body’s biological clock), which is your natural rhythm that “knows” what are the optimal times for you to perform certain tasks. For most people, the early morning hours are optimal for deep work. Specifically, the brain’s peak performance is 2-4 hours after we wake up. So if you wake up at 6, then your peak times are between 8 and 10 a.m. Working early allows your brain to focus fully on the problem at hand, with fewer distractions, and less inputs from your environment.
👉🏾 Postpone what you do for pleasure.
What’s the point of postponing pleasant activities? You’d be surprised how far-reaching this practice can be. In a study performed by Stanford University scientists, results showed that delayed gratification can increase your chance at succeeding in many areas of your life — your education, career, short and long term goals, even your personal life choices. This study is now famous and is called the Marshmallow experiment.
How would you do this?
Start by observing the things you’d like to indulge in whenever the opportunity presents itself — for example, eating a large slice of chocolate cake after dinner. Then, resist the temptation to treat yourself by thinking of one reason why not to indulge: maybe you’re focused on your new fitness goals or developing better eating habits. And follow up — take your attention away from the distractions and focus on your priorities for the day: complete your homework, go outside for a run or brisk walk, listen to a podcast on an interesting topic.
👉🏾 Don’t allow social media to run your life.
Leading a self-disciplined life means you learn how to say no to indulging in pleasant activities, procrastinating on daily priorities, letting distractions take over your day. Distractions are toxic — one minute you’re catching up with a friend on WhatsApp, and next thing you know it’s two hours later and you haven’t started studying for your exam. When you turn off what distracts you, you have a better chance to actually get stuff done.
How would you do this?
Distractions come from different sources, not just your electronic devices. Deal with them one by one. First, set your phone to Airplane mode when you need to focus on work — try it for a 2-hour period. Next, let people around you (family members, friends, or roommates) know you won’t be available during that time. Check your email and social media apps 2–3 times during the day. To avoid browsing the Internet while working, close all tabs in your browser.
👉🏾 Let self-discipline shape your future.
Like with all other areas in your life, self-discipline is for the most part all about attitude. It’s not about what you “should” do or what feels uncomfortable to do. It’s all about what it can afford you. With daily practice, self-discipline can train your brain to prioritize the things you can control and free up your time to focus on personal goals.
How would you do this?
Instead of focusing only on daily tasks, start thinking about your future and what you want to accomplish in 5, 10, and yes even 20 years. Maybe it feels like you’re sacrificing some things right now (chatting with friends or indulging in a delicious dessert), but think long-term. Write down a list of new habits you’re practicing that can add up to bigger results a year from now. Create time for them in your calendar — even for 30 minutes a day. When you understand the benefits of leading a self-disciplined life, you are more likely to nurture it. It will become a lifestyle that will take you into that future you dream of today.
📖✏️🗓 If you are interested in this topic, I put together an e-book package called My Complete Self-Discipline Kit. It consists of two e-books:
Develop a Self Disciplined Lifestyle Workbook — a workbook with tips, question prompts, a list of recommended reading, and a weekly gratitude journal template
My Self-Discipline Journal — a journal template for each day of the week that includes a situation report, question prompts, daily schedule, and a performance review
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